Passed Out Pete Pees on Pride

It’s Wednesday. There are 517 days until the midterm elections. Passed Out Pete’s ugly war on Pride, Trump’s scariest lie yet and a cussing oversight endorsement.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Majorie Taylor Greene doesn’t know that because she can’t read.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it happened. Democrats are actually in disarray. Actually, that’s not the right way to put it. Democrats are in shock. Why? Because we found ourselves agreeing with one of the most repugnant human beings in the history of this cursed planet.

Um… we don’t know what to say. We kinda sorta agree with Elon Leon? Are we a week away from finding ourselves stroking our chins and nodding while thinking that maybe Jiggly Dudeboobs (JD) Vance has some good points about sexing up furniture?! We were so shocked to find ourselves kinda sorta agreeing with Elon Leon that we started digging through his 4,000 tweets a day to see if there was anything else we agreed with. Here are a few that blew our minds…

@elonmusk how can Trump let a whacked out South African with a chainsaw fuck over American veterans? He must really think they’re suckers and losers!

@elonmusk I have been a total fucking asshole to my kids. Tomorrow I promise I will learn their names. I will even learn to throw a ball so that we might one day throw it back and forth together. I believe it is called throw. Or catch. Grok?

@elonmusk I should be deported. Why does this country keep giving me government contracts? Are they on so much ketamine they can’t pee? Should I start drinking pee? Isn’t pee a funny word. This is comedy.

@elonmusk I fucking suck and America should have voted for Kamala. You were right to tell me to eat shit, Wisconsin.

@elonmusk Trump really does stink. I haven’t showered in 17 years, and even I am repulsed by this man’s odor. He smells as orange as he looks.

@elonmusk Tim Walz was right. We are really weird. And not good weird. The kind of weird Netflix makes documentaries about in a few years. Hell, I like to eat people.

Well, SPs, we’re flummoxed. We had no idea we could agree so much with such a total piece of shit. Man, we sure wish these were real. Or we wish Elon Leon would crawl up his own butt and disappear. And that means we’re now agreeing with Mike Johnson. What a weird time. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, Elon Leon is mad because this already cruel bill doesn’t hurt enough Americans. So he can still go fuck himself and then eat shit. But goddamn it sure is hilarious watching him crap all over the GOP’s whole ball of wax. More: The Guardian

Note three: We haven’t talked about it much, but that’s about to change. Are y’all ready for the No Kings rallies on June 14? More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note four: We weren’t kidding about that MTG thing. Someone should have told her that reading is fundamental. And that Jewish space lasers aren’t a thing. And that she sucks. More: The Guardian

Note five: This is a pretty important warning from a weatherman. We admire his calm. The script we wrote for him was just screaming TRUMP IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL US ALL!!!!

Note six: Trump wants Congress to help him kill kids and Big Bird. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Things keep getting worse for John Fettermanchin. He just lost his chief of staff and the Philly Inquirer, one of the best papers in the nation, is calling for him to resign if he won’t do his job. Ouch. More: The Guardian

Note eight: We saw people making fun of Democrats for handing out tacos outside of the RNC, but we think it’s pretty funny. It’s ok to try creative shit in this political environment. In fact, it’s a must. More: Axios

Note nine: Law professor Kate Shaw took Josh Hawley to school yesterday, and it was delicious. We assume Hawley pissed himself and then ran away. But that’s his go-to move. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We fucking love watching Zelensky embarrass Putin and Trump.

Note 11: Monica Crowley wants people to sing Happy Birthday to Trump at his fucking parade. We’re in but only if we add the lesser known verse about him getting syphilis (again) and shitting himself into oblivion. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Yikes. Now we kinda sorta agree with Trump on something. Because we hate his SCOTUS picks too. Probably for different reasons though. More: CNN

Note 13: This “guffaw” might have done permanent damage to our dude parts.

Note 14: It seems pretty obvious that Trump wants more women to die. But only because his administration is saying it. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Gretchen Whitmer says she called Trump to tell him she doesn't want him to pardon the guys who tried to kidnap her. There are about 50 things in that sentence that make us want to hurl. More: WILX

Note 16: The brain worm butthead is gonna take a hard look at baby formula. That is very, very bad news for babies and people who like them. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Call this dude butter because he’s on a roll…

Note 18: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to South Carolina, where Democrat Keishan Scott won a special statehouse election over his Republican opponent by 41 POINTS!!! Harris only won the district by five! People are pissed. No wonder Elon Leon is jumping starship. More: WISTV

Note 19: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week! And if not, just remember it could be worse — your ketamine-cooked buddy could be shitting all over you in public. Love y’all!

Pete pisses on Pride
The thing about Trump people is that they’re not just corrupt and greedy. They’re also real assholes. Passed Out Pete Hegseth is trying to tell the Navy it has to rename a ship that is named after former sailor and gay rights icon Harvey Milk. Reports make clear that this is “intentionally” being done during Pride Month. So they are going out of their way to shit on Americans and an American hero. But they’re not stopping there. According to the report, Pete and Trump are also trying to change the names of ships like the USNS Thurgood Marshall, USNS Ruth Bader Ginsburg, USNS Harriet Tubman, the USNS Cesar Chavez and the USNS Medgar Evers. Gosh. It sure is hard to figure out what message these racist fuckheads are trying to send. More: Associated Press

Um what?
So we never thought we would link to a webpage from this White House, but here we are. And we’re only doing it because it’s terrifying. By now we know that this White House and this president lie about anything and everything. If they say something, you should immediately believe the opposite. That’s why it’s so fucking terrifying that yesterday they put out a “mythbuster” entitled “No, People Will Not ‘Literally Die’ with the One Big Beautiful Bill.” Yikes. The page then goes on to tell lies about Medicaid. So yeah, we were pretty sure that this bill was going to kill Americans before, but this feels like confirmation. More: White House

A rare cussing endorsement
We like to make friends with other Democrats and pro-democracy people. A good way to do that is to stay out of primaries and Democrat vs. Democrat battles and trust y’all to make those decisions. But we’re stepping out of that comfort zone today to endorse the amazing Rep. Jasmine Crockett for Oversight Chair. Crockett made her candidacy official yesterday, and for whatever it’s worth, she has our support. The battlefield has changed drastically in the Trump era, and Crockett is one of the Democrats who clearly understands that. The old rules are dead. We need a fighter. Jasmine Crockett is that fighter. More: Politico

Today’s clips
Russia will likely surpass 1 million casualties in its war on Ukraine this summer, according to one of the world’s leading think tanks, reflecting the staggering human toll of President Vladimir Putin’s assault on his neighbor. More: NBC News

The 88-year-old Holocaust survivor who was burned during an attack by a man armed with a "makeshift flamethrower" had a message on Tuesday for the rest of America: "We are better than this." More: NBC News

White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller desperately attempted to make the case for President Donald Trump’s “big, beautiful bill” on Tuesday after Elon Musk tore into the bill, calling it a “disgusting abomination.” More: Mediaite

Longtime academic Santa Ono was rejected Tuesday for the University of Florida presidency by the state university system board amid sharp criticism from political conservatives about his past support for diversity, equity and inclusion programs and other initiatives they view as unacceptable liberal ideology. More: HuffPost

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