Out-Grinching the Grinch

It’s Thursday. There are 551 days until the midterm elections. The cabinet kiss-butt-a-thon, VP Harris returns and begging for small biz relief.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It only makes sense in a world with Stephen Miller’s creepy ass.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, gather ‘round. Ol’ Alt Media has some bad news. We can’t have Christmas this year because President Trump killed Santa Claus. Yeah, we know. It’s awful. And cruel and also since when does the fucking government decide how many goddamn dolls we get to play with?!

Um is that what he meant by great again? We’re rationing fucking toys? You wanna bet Barron still gets more than two dolls? This is some fucking bullshit. We heard some people even comparing Trump to the Grinch. We thought that was harsh, so we reached out to the Grinch…

Us: Hey Grinch!

Grinch: Hey guys. Love the newsletter.

Us: Your heart must still be enlarged. So what do you think of comparisons to Trump?

Grinch: Fuck that. I sure as shit never pardoned the Jan. 6 scumbags.

Us: Good point. But he is stealing Christmas presents from kids and that’s kinda your thing.

Grinch: Yeah, now I know how Michelle Obama felt when that Melania trash stole her speech. Look, I never wanted to steal Christmas. I just hated all that singing. I get migraines! To compare me to Trump, one of history’s greatest monsters, is just beyond the pale.

Us: We’re sorry?

Grinch: You should be. And so should the press. Can you fucking imagine if Obama had declared a goddamn doll limit? This country would still be on fire.

The Grinch makes some valid points. And that’s not a weird thing to say because everything is weird and fucking stupid now. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Sam says thank you all for the amazing birthday wishes yesterday. It’s really damn nice when y’all remind us that we’re all in this together. Thanks for that :)

Note three: It’s May Day! If you’re out protesting or taking action today, please be safe and keep it legal. We don’t want Trump sending your hot asses to jail. More: Associated Press

Note four: Elon Leon Melvin Musk is big mad this morning. The Wall Street Journal reported that Tesla is looking for a new CEO who isn’t quite as hated as their current dipshit, and Elon is screaming on twitter that it’s not true. We believe the Journal. More: Politico

Note five: Just look at this fucking loser. Who would buy a car from someone this lame? And how can we call someone a genius if he thinks this is fucking comedy?

Note six: Holy hell! DHS is actually admitting they screwed up. And all it took was outrage over raiding a U.S. citizen’s home and pointing guns at her and her three daughters. What a cool country we are. More: KFOR, KFOR II

Note seven: McDonalds and sex workers say a recession is coming. We believe them. More: The Guardian, HuffPost

Note eight: The U.S. Senate voted yesterday to stop Trump’s tariffs. Or they would have but Mitch McConnell skipped the vote for some reason and Democratic Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse missed the vote because he’s at a conference in Korea. Maybe Chuck Schumer just sucks at being a leader. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We love Robert De Niro. Not only because he’s one of this nation’s greatest actors, but also because he’s a supportive and loving dad to his trans daughter. If only Elon Leon was capable of such decency. More: The Guardian

Note 10: Ron Johnson is one of the dumbest people on this doomed planet. He spent last week wanting to investigate 9/11. And even his stupid ass knows how bad Trump is wrecking the economy…

Note 11: If you’re like us, you think the idea that ESPN jackass Stephen A. Smith could run for president is too goddamn stupid to even mention. But Trump thinks it’s smart. ‘Nuff said. More: The Hill

Note 12: Btw, watch our shit-for-brains president take a question from a Black man about Harvard and give a weird answer about Harlem instead. When is Axios gonna start doing stories about Trump’s mental decline? More: Independent TV

Note 13: Trump is absolutely destroying America’s health and research infrastructure. But don’t worry because that brain worm asshole is totally focused on teenager sperm. More: Science.org

Note 14: Speaking of the brain worm dumbshit, here he is being a brain worm dumbshit.

Note 15: Want to see some shocking corruption that would instantly sink a Democrat? Well Trump is going to Qatar for a visit. But first Qatar and Trump are agreeing to build a new golf course. They made Jimmy Carter sell his fucking peanut farm. More: Associated Press

Note 16: Passed Out Pete Hegseth’s Pentagon was going to make it against the rules for soldiers to play board games and ping-pong. After an outcry, Pete backed down. Everything is so stupid. More: Task and Purpose

Note 17: Want to really be freaked out today? Then watch this clip of Stephen Miller telling you how he’s gonna raise your kids. Yikes!

Note 18: Yesterday Karoline Leavitt welcomed a social media “influencer” who was suspended from twitter for posting child sex abuse photos and quoting Hitler. Apparently that’s what Karoline thinks journalism is. Btw, we tried to find a mainstream media story about this and couldn’t. More: Yahoo News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Vice President Kamala Harris. We’ll talk more about this in the news section, but we thought y’all might need to see this clip. We sure did.

Note 20: And on that powerful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. We also hope that you’re not living your life in a way that even the Grinch thinks you’re an asshole. Love y’all!

P.S. As we were hitting send this happened:

North Korea 2.0
To soothe his broken soul amid record-low poll numbers, Trump held a cabinet meeting yesterday so that the most corrupt and horrible people on the planet could kiss his ass and tell him how great everything is going. It was quite a scene. Pam Bondi claimed that Trump saved 258 million American lives (there are only 340 million Americans) and RFK Jr. said they found a study that says fluoride is making kids “stupider.” So yeah, we’re all totally fucked. More: NY Mag, HuffPost

Welcome back!!!
As we mentioned, VP Harris returned to the stage last night, railing against Trump and his failed administration in remarks to Emerge. She blasted Trump on his disastrous tariffs and encouraged us to keep up the good fight. After 100 days of dipshittery, it was so nice to hear from someone who actually loves this country and the people who live here. It made us sad to think we could have had this wonderful person leading us. And then it made us very angry. More: NPR, NBC News

Screwing small biz
The Chamber of Commerce this morning is begging the White House to provide some relief for small businesses that are being crushed by Trump’s stupid tariffs. Sadly, it does not seem like that relief is coming. As part of his insane briefing this morning, Stephen Miller said the relief for small businesses would be coming in the form of a tax cut. Yeah, we’ve heard that before. We’re sure it will be of huge comfort to small businesses that have to close their doors in the next month or two. More: CNBC

Today’s clips
Republicans are already hitting some snags as they begin the work of crafting a bill for President Donald Trump’s sweeping domestic policy agenda. And they haven’t even made some of their hardest decisions yet. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump’s massive China tariffs are jeopardizing American fireworks shows, threatening to drive up prices and limit supplies. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump has had a historically unpopular first 100 days in office, and his policies have led to the stock market tanking, the economy shrinking, and longtime allies accusing the United States of “betrayal.” More: HuffPost

Shari Redstone, the controlling shareholder of Paramount, the parent company of CBS and its news division, is eager to close the sale of her company to SkyDance. So eager, in fact, that she reportedly asked CBS News to delay any sensitive stories about President Donald Trump until the deal is finalized. More: Mediaite

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