Operation: Epstein Fury

It’s Monday. There are 246 days until the midterm elections. France wants more nukes, WMD Part II ain’t looking so good and Trump parties while our soldiers die.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t put a drunken asshole in charge of the Pentagon.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, our shit-for-brains draft-dodging commander-in-chief got some American troops killed. Oh and dozens of schoolgirls. So maybe the people telling us how great this all is should go shit in their own mouths and then fuck right off. Unless of course John Fetterman shocked us all and enlisted this morning. Did he? Did Uncle Fester the Hoodied Asshat put his money where his spoiled rotten mouth is? No? How shocking.

We’re guessing this hasn’t come to fruition either…

There are few things that disgust us more than the American tradition of rich chickenshits sending poor kids to die in stupid wars. Like a lot of y’all, we spent part of this weekend fuming over the unfairness of American boys and girls dying while Trump and his boys hang out at the country club. So we decided to call Barron and ask him about it directly…

Us: Hey so… WHAT THE HELL?! ARE YOU BREASTFEEDING?! YOU’RE 19 YEARS OLD!!!

Barron Trump: Mommy, I’ll have the rest later. I must talk to these two cussing men.

Us: We can’t unsee that, dude. It’s going to haunt us forever. Kinda like this war your dumbshit dad just started.

Barron Trump: My dad is Kevin McHale. He used to play for the Celtics.

Us: We believe you. Still, you should have to go to war since your dad is so happy to send other kids your age there.

Barron Trump: Oh no.

Us: What?

Barron Trump: I just peed myself like Pappa Donald does. Now please leave while I suck my thumb.

Well, at least he’s good at the sucking part. We still think his weird bitch ass should have to be among the first to go fight. He can even take Don Jr. with him. Hell, take Tiffany too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: In case you were worried there were sober adults in charge and America is going to do smart things, well, Pete Hegseth is here to assure you that everything will be gross and stupid. Anyone else embarrassed to be represented by a Fox News war criminal? More: NBC

Note three: Only 24 percent of Americans support this stupid war. So you can see why so many Democrats are hedging. More: Mother Jones

Note four: Speaking of Democrats and war, we wrote a piece this weekend begging our party to be the anti-war party. Thanks to the handful of them who understood the assignment.

Note five: This right here should have been all the press were talking about this morning. Unfortunately, they don’t give a shit about the troops either.

Note six: Everyone excited to pay more for gas? We know we sure are. More: NBC

Note seven: How the fuck does Howard Nutlick still have a job? Oh right. His boss is on the list too. More: HuffPost

Note eight: We are HUGE Radiohead fans, so we were delighted to see them tell Trump to fo fuck himself. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We’ve got some big damn elections this week. Hell, we’ve got some big damn elections all month. Who’s ready to pick a fighter in Texas? More: Bolts Mag

Note 10: We like Mark Kelly. That’s why we want to give him some advice — don’t fucking go on tv unless you know what your message is. This both-sides-shit is embarrassing.

Note 11: Trump has largely been hiding from the public since he decided to get our troops killed. But he is calling his buddies like Jake Tapper and Bret Baier to let them know that the real attack hasn’t even started yet. We’re sure Jake and Bret responded with some tough questions and not endless ass-kissing.

Note 12: So how is the war going? Well Kuwait shot down three of our planes. So not great! More: AP News

Note 13: Axios reports this morning that Trump has ordered more military strikes on more countries than any other president. So congrats to every fucking moron who thought he was the peace candidate. Idiots. More: Axios

Note 14: Hey so we’re staying out of primaries, but we have to ask why does Graham Platner have such a big goddamn nazi problem? That’s a pretty large dealbreaker for us. More: Jewish Insider

Note 15: Some men’s and women’s hockey players joined SNL this weekend. Take a second to compare the crowd reactions…

Note 16: Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks Trump is attacking Iran so he can declare a national emergency and cancel the midterms. And that’s just great. We now live in a world where Marge’s crazy shit makes sense. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Yesterday would have been Alex Pretti’s 38th birthday. But he was murdered by the United States government. More: Reddit

Note 18: Thank you to HuffPo for telling Aliya Rahman’s story. We’re sure the New York Times will get to it at some point. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it ain’t easy to find one during war. But we love love, and we’re over the moon for these two kids…

Note 20: And on that romantic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. But we’re pretty sure you didn’t since some dumbfuck started a war. Love y’all!

We don’t blame ‘em

France is going to build more nukes. Normally we’d be opposed to this kind of thing, but we really can’t blame them. Hell, let’s get Canada some too. Yeah, Europe has learned the hard way that the United States is neither reliable nor trustworthy. Especially when it comes to threats from Russia. So France and other European countries are going their own way. Frankly, they’re lucky to be getting away from us as we start stupid war after stupid war. More: NBC

About those nukes

So why did we go to war this weekend? Well, no one really seems to know. We’ve been told it was because Iran was close to developing a nuclear bomb. That, of course, is a lie. Or maybe it’s because they were going to attack us first? No, that’s a lie too. Well maybe it’s because we wanted regime change because we believe in freedom and we want to stand with the protesters? Well that might be believable if we didn’t know about Minnesota. The truth is there is no official justification for this war. Trump and his cabinet of morons keep changing their reasons for this war. At least Bush was committed to the lie. More: HuffPost

Party animal

Let it not be lost on any of us that Donald Trump launched this war of choice from his goddamn country club. Yeah, Trump spent the weekend at Mar-a-Lago in a makeshift situation room because he just can’t be bothered to stay at the White House. But also, the man had some fundraisers to attend. That’s right. While American men and women were being sent into harm’s way, the commander-in-chief was partying it up with his rich friends. If you thought the press would be outraged by this, well, this must be your first day here. More: The Daily Beast

Today’s clips

The man suspected of killing two people and injuring 14 others when he opened fire on patrons outside a bar in Austin, Texas, early Sunday had a history of mental illness, sources familiar with the investigation told NBC News. More: NBC

Paramount Skydance plans to combine Paramount+ and HBO Max into one streaming service after it officially takes over Warner Bros. Discovery, the company’s top executive announced Monday. More: NBC

LOS ANGELES (AP) — The Screen Actors Guild’s 32nd Actor Awards ended with thunderous roars inside the Shrine Exposition Hall, where attendees leaped from their banquet seats in celebration as back-to-back wins for Ryan Coogler’s “Sinners” brought the ceremony to an electrifying close. More: AP News

NEW YORK (AP) — A blood-red moon will soon grace the skies for a total lunar eclipse — and there won’t be another until late 2028. More: AP News

A man convicted for participating in the 2021 insurrection on the U.S. Capitol shared a photo of himself attending Monday morning’s press conference with U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, while marveling at what a difference five years makes. More: HuffPost