Oh Canada!

It’s Tuesday. There are 553 days until the midterm elections. Amazon vs. the a-hole, America has some regrets and the great Canadian FU.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never talked shit about Canada.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! You’re looking even sexier and more patriotic than usual today. Someday you’ll have to tell us how you keep it so damn fine when everything around you is turning to absolute shit. Yeah, sorry to butter you up today, but we don’t know how else to break it to you. This is some scary stuff. Not only has Trump fucked everything up, but he’s turned cute adorable caterpillars into terrifying monsters…

Yiiiiiiikes. No thank you very much. We don’t want anything to do with something called “the bone collector,” which we hear was actually RFK Jr.’s nickname for a while. And it wasn’t a double-entendre unfortunately. And any one of Trump’s cabinet members has worn the “remains” of their “prey” at some point. Hell, it's probably a job requirement. Ya know, we didn’t have fucking bone collector caterpillars under the sleepy guy! We could’ve had Kamala Harris and joy and a good economy and being friends with Canada and shit. But no. Thanks to a bunch of dumb forgetful motherfuckers we’ve got straight up fascism, in-your-face corruption and killer evil goddamn caterpillars. Just fucking great.

The good news — and we want to always remind you of this —- is that you’re not facing any of this crazy and crazy upsetting shit alone. Nope, we’re all in this fucking nightmare together. Whatever you’re feeling, we promise you are not alone. We’re here with you until they cart us away. Or unless there’s a scary killer caterpillar. We’re not fucking with that shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ok now for something really scary. Trump wants more police brutality, and he signed an executive order to get it. More: The Mercury News

Note three: This is so goddamn embarrassing. Trump keeps lying and saying he’s negotiating with the Chinese and they keep saying that’s a lie. The worst part is that it’s way easier to believe China than the American president. More: CNBC

Note four: Yesterday we made fun of the Navy spokesperson who took the blame for getting the date of Pearl Harbor wrong. We should have blamed him instead because apparently he’s a fucking idiot who keeps doing this. More: HuffPost

Note five: Today is a hundred days of dumbshit. And even the kiss-asses are having a hard time making excuses…

Note six: The Eagles’ Saquon Barkley spent the weekend with a fascist fuckhead and then didn’t understand why we wanted to make that political. We sure hope Saquon fucks all the way off. Thanks to QB Jalen Hurts and the rest of the team who told Trump to eat shit. More: CBSSports

Note seven: America is still holding a college student in a Louisiana jail because she wrote an op-ed. What kind of fucked up chickenshit country does something like that? More: NBC Boston

Note eight: We have some polling on Trump’s talk of taking Canada and Greenland and people hate it. According to ABC, 86 percent oppose taking Canada and 76 percent oppose taking Greenland. But Americans only hate it because it’s mean and stupid. More: ABC News

Note nine: We’re gonna talk more about Canada in the news section, but we seriously can’t stop laughing that Pierre Poilievre, the conservative Trump was rooting for, not only lost the big election but he also lost his own seat in Parliament. LOL! Nice work, Trump! More: Politico

Note 10: We’re gonna need a Canadian version of this newsletter, and we’ve found just the person to write it…

Note 11: We want to wish the happiest of birthdays to the amazing Willie Nelson, who is still going strong at 92 years old. More: USA Today

Note 12: Consumer confidence is in the toilet. Probably because the president of the United States took a giant shit on the economy. More: PR Newswire

Note 13: Republicans are going after medicaid and lying about it. They really do think we’re stupid. More: NBC News

Note 14: Adidas just warned that prices are about to go up because of Trump’s tariffs. Expect most companies to do this. More: CNBC

Note 15: Sigh. This kinda nails it, doesn’t it?

Note 16: Republicans are trying to jam through a Jan. 6 Hitler-lover to be the D.C. U.S. Attorney. Basically everybody is warning he shouldn’t have that job. More: CBS News

Note 17: And the guy lied about not knowing his neo-nazi friend is a neo-nazi. So yeah, he probably shouldn’t be a U.S. Attorney. More: CNN

Note 18: Trump is going to Michigan today for a rally. The White House said he’s going to meet with Gov. Gretchen Whitmer again. We don’t normally advocate for people to lose their jobs, but Big Gretch needs to fire her political advisers because this is insane. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it’s hard to find much to be happy about a hundred days into the stupidest time ever. But we do take some joy in seeing that the billionaire butt-kiss club is losing a shitload of money. Hope it was worth it, assholes.

Note 20: And on that tasty note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to an awesome start. Please beware of killer caterpillars and Republicans. Both like to wear the remains of their prey. Love y’all!

Amazon vs. the asshole
Despite constant ass-kissing from Jeff Bezos, the White House is big mad at Amazon today. After the online store told Punchbowl that they were going to list the price increases that can be attributed to Trump’s tariffs, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt went off, accusing the company of a “hostile and political act.” Yeah, it’s so hostile to tell people how much shit costs. Anyway, this tariff shit is about to get real rough for this White House, and they don’t seem to know it. And for what it’s worth, Bezos is still a wuss and it appears that Amazon is already backing off its plans after being attacked by Leavitt. More: CNBC

Now you tell us
At 100 days in, Trump’s shitty poll numbers are well known. But we were damn struck by one finding this morning. A national survey done by PRRI found that 16 percent of 2024 voters regret their vote. The poll found that 52 percent of Americans believe Trump is a “dangerous dictator whose power should be limited before he destroys American democracy.” If only he had told us repeatedly during the campaign that he wanted to be a dictator. Oh wait. More: Axios

Oh Canada!
This is old news by now, but it’s just too fun to ignore. As you know, Canada told Trump to go fuck himself and then eat some shit last night. In an all-time political fuck-up, Trump turned a 25-point lead for conservatives into a crushing defeat in just a couple of months by being an abusive dickhead to our neighbors to the North. The best part? Even he knows it. He admitted to the Atlantic that Canadians hate him and voted for Carney for that reason. Congrats to PM Carney. He ran a great race and stood up for his country. We’re pretty fucking jealous. More: Vox

Today’s clips
UPS on Tuesday announced it is planning to cut 20,000 jobs this year, part of a cost-cutting effort that's linked to fewer deliveries from Amazon, its biggest customer. More: CBS News

The UK and the EU have outlined a “new strategic partnership” aimed at bolstering trade and presenting a united European front in Ukraine in defiance of Donald Trump’s threat to upend decades of transatlantic alignment. More: The Guardian

Former Vice President Kamala Harris is reportedly set to make her first major speech since losing last fall's presidential election to Donald Trump, with an address in San Francisco this week. More: CBS San Francisco

Mark Carney, the projected winner of Canada’s general election, said early Tuesday that his country is “over the shock of the American betrayal,” while warning that U.S. President Donald Trump has permanently fractured the relationship between the two neighbors. More: HuffPost

Job openings in the United States fell in March as President Donald Trump’s trade wars clouded the economic outlook. More: HuffPost

U.S. automakers are set to get a break on some of the sweeping tariffs President Donald Trump is imposing. More: NBC News

The latest from Adam