Obscene for America

Happy Friday. There are 158 days until the midterm elections. Bari breaks 60 Minutes, the Iran arrangement that wasn’t and Bondi’s big day.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It learned it from Republicans.

Note: To cuss or not to cuss? That is the fucking question. It might surprise you Sexy Patriots to know that we like the obscenities. Big time. We believe in extreme cussing for extreme times. But we know others can be squeamish about harsh tones and real talk. Especially when they see an unapologetic badass like this one…

Fuuuuuck yeah. Hello, new leader. Which battle or wall of fire may we follow you into? Because we approve the eff out of that message. Look, as guys who write a profane newsletter, we have been told more times than we can remember that we’d be a lot more successful if we didn’t use so many obscenities. And every time we said “fuck that shit.” We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again — we’ll stop cussing when the evil sonsofbitches dismantling our country stop giving us shit to cuss about. And the generations coming behind us aren’t fucking around either. They’ve had it, and we don’t blame them one fucking bit. Gen Z has Gen Zero fucks to give.

So we get it if cussing ain’t for you. In fact we respect the shit out of that. But for a lot of us, it’s only natural when shit is this fucked up. And if nothing else, surely we can all agree to boo this sorry sack of shit…

BOOOOOO!!!!! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This has been a pretty fucked up week. Y’all want some extra therapy? Cool. How about 1:30 p.m. ET/10:30 a.m. PT? We’ll see you here or on YouTube!

Note three: “Vomiting virus is spreading across most of the U.S.” Well that’s a nice headline to wake up to. But don’t worry. We’re sure raccoon dick guy is gonna get on it after he does some blow off a toilet seat. More: NBC News

Note four: Californians! Have you voted yet? We need you to turn out and vote for Democrats. Especially if you live in L.A. We ain’t doing this Spencer Pratt shit. More: WFMD

Note five: This is the funniest thing to happen all week. Since Molly made this list, Bret Michaels has pulled out too. Do you know how fucking radioactive you have to be to be too toxic for the former lead singer of Poison?

Note six: We like Gretchen Whitmer, but she has seemed off her game ever since that Oval Office debacle. We’re not sure what’s going on with her 2028 messaging, but this ain’t ideal. More: AP

Note seven: And while we’re questioning people we adore, we’re not real sure why Dr. Jill Biden thinks we needed another discussion about her husband’s health right now, but the right-wing scumbags are sure enjoying it. More: WFMD

Note eight: While we were writing this morning, a judge temporarily blocked Trump’s slush fund for cop-beaters and pedos. Thank goodness for small miracles. More: CNN

Note nine: We’re all waiting to see if Trump has the stones to go get booed at Madison Square Garden, but we’ve got a Game Seven this weekend to focus on first. Two sweetest words in the English language — Game Seven. More: ESPN

Note 10: This guy sure makes messaging look easy, don’t he?

Note 11: The weirdos are very afraid of James Talarico. They’ve never seen a real man before. More: HuffPost

Note 12: You know how we know Stephen A. Smith is really a Republican? No, it’s not all the GOP lies and his endless attacks on Democrats. It’s that he never fucking stops whining. More: Awful Announcing

Note 13: The Hill is reporting that Trump’s latest attack on E. Jean Carroll is causing heartburn for Senate Republicans. Good. Fuck ‘em. That’s what they get for supporting a rapist. More: The Hill

Note 14: Trump is spending millions of our dollars to paint some horse statues gold. Is there even a White House press corps anymore or did they all just give up and go home? More: NOTUS

Note 15: The Onion had us laughing and then dry-heaving with this one…

Note 16: Hockey great Claude Lemieux took his own life this week. He was 60. You might wonder why we give a shit since he was a Trump guy. Well, frankly we don’t want anyone to take their own life and we thought this was a good opportunity to remind everyone that the crisis hotline number is 988. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 17: Putin is bringing us closer to a world war by accidentally bombing Romania. If only we had a president who would call him out or just stop sucking his taint for one damn second. More: NBC News

Note 18: Thank you to Kaitlan Collins for pushing arrogant freakshow Scott Bessent on that stupid $250 bill idea. If Bessent was a Democrat, all we would ever hear about is how out of touch he is. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we got nuthin’. Sorry, but that’s just the state of the world right now. Maybe you can tell us something good that’s happening in your life in the comments. In the meantime, here’s Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison because Bret Michaels did the right thing and this song still rocks… More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that half-assed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And if you see Stephen Miller, don’t forget to call him an ugly fudge. Love y’all!

So long, 60!

Donald Trump has always hated 60 Minutes. So he got his billionaire butt-kissing friends to buy it and destroy it, and that’s exactly what has happened. Yesterday Bari Weiss announced she was firing some of the best journalists at the esteemed news program and replacing them with some asshole who has zero broadcast experience. Since Bari has already tanked CBS Evening News’s ratings and still has her job, we can only assume that the goal is not building numbers but satisfying Trump. So RIP to CBS News and 60 Minutes. And shame on the so-called journalists who haven’t said shit about their fired colleagues.

More: People

Iran or Iran’t

Yesterday Axios reported that the U.S. and Iran had a deal to extend the ceasefire, open the Strait of Hormuz and figure out the nuclear stuff later. Then Reuters and the NYTimes confirmed this scoop. And then nothing happened. If that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s happened like 50 fucking times and the press just keep falling for the same shit. We want this war to end, but we can’t imagine being so stupid that you still believe this White House at this point.

More: NBC News

Spill it, Pam

We put this here because we think it should be noted, but the truth is this is kind of a nothingburger. Pam Bondi is finally testifying in front of the House Oversight Committee today, but we’re not expecting much. Why? Well because as we mentioned earlier this week, Committee Chairman James Comer is doing everything he can to protect the Epstein class. And that includes letting Bondi testify without videotaping it or putting her under oath. So yeah, this is a fucking joke. But it’s also more fuel for our side to remind Americans that the entire GOP is engaged in this cover-up.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Democrats may be in a more celebratory mood than usual as they gather Friday in South Carolina, a state led almost entirely by Republicans.

The party is holding events days after the GOP-led state Senate shot down an effortbacked by President Donald Trump to redraw House district lines to help Republicans this fall. That move was aimed at ousting longtime Rep. Jim Clyburn, the state’s lone congressional Democrat and a party powerbroker who has been in office since 1993. More: AP

STAFFORD, Va. (AP) — A bus struck six vehicles on Interstate 95 in Virginia as traffic slowed for a work zone, killing five people and sending 34 to hospitals, state police said Friday. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Tomatoes, ubiquitous in everything from fast-food burgers to haute cuisine, are taking on a new role beyond the plate: A nagging reminder of rising costs. More: AP

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — A rocket belonging to Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin exploded during a test at the launch pad Thursday night, shaking nearby homes and briefly painting the sky orange. More: AP

WASHINGTON — An apparent “swatting” incident targeted the home of Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Wednesday night, police confirmed to NBC News. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump bought a load of Dell Technologies stock just months before the computer maker received a massive Pentagon contract, in yet another example of how the president can benefit financially from his work in the White House. More: HuffPost

New York Knicks legend Bill Bradley has dunked on Donald Trump’s NBA Finals plans.

As the Knicks head to the NBA Finals for the first time this century, Bradley told TMZ Sportsthat if the New York native president does follow through with his stated idea of attending one of the games, then he won’t actually be the star of the show. More: HuffPost