Noem’s Blankie

Happy Friday. There are 263 days until the midterm elections. Jailing Jared, Russell Vought is going to hell and Trump kills Earth.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never fired anyone for misplacing its blankie.

Note: Yesssss, Sexy Patriots! The weekend is here!!! Sure, it’s a weekend in a fascist hellscape, but it’s still a weekend. And since we continue to face fresh horrors and zero accountability on an hourly basis, we thought it was important today to end on a positive note. We’ve seen your comments asking if we saw that the Monks and their adorable dog made it to D.C. Well of course we saw those amazing fucking Monks and their adorable dog made it to D.C. Sorry. Amazing fudging Monks…

Thank goodness for these lovely humans. We are so goddamn grateful for anyone who reminds us of decency and peace these days. We simply had to know more, so we caught up with one of the Monks for an interview…

Us: Hello, sir!

Friar Rick: Hey dudes! I’m Friar Rick. Are you those righteous cussing newsletter bros? Love your shit, man.

Us: Um… ok. Thanks. Nice to meet you, Friar Rick. So congrats. Are you exhausted?

Friar Rick: Oh hell yeah! These dawgs are barking if you know what I mean. I need a Coors Light, a Newport and a motel with a bathtub. One with Cinemax wouldn’t be the worst if you know what I mean. Wink. Wink.

Us: Are you sure you were on the Walk for Peace?

Friar Rick: Oh shit. Naw, fellas. I was on the Walk for Pizza. Peace sounds good too though.

Us: Well this is embarrassing. And probably blasphemous even for us.

Alright so that was a misfire. Sorry about that, everybody. And congratulations and thank you to the Peace Monks and their amazing dog, Aloka, on reaching their destination and spreading their beautiful message. Y’all have a blessed day. Even you, Friar Rick.

Note two: Hey so Sam’s power came back on and we did a make-up therapy session yesterday. If you missed it and want to catch up, you can check it out here…

Note three: It’s hard to describe how much anger and hate we feel for Senate Democrats who watch those brave Americans in the streets of Minnesota and then turn around and vote to confirm Trump nominees. We wish we could throw every last goddamn one of them out of the party. More: TPM

Note four: That said, we are seeing them hold the line and shut down DHS. Good. Because fuck DHS. More: NBC News

Note five: We talked about this in the therapy session yesterday, but we are now officially HUGE Cardi B fans. Fuck them up, Cardi!

Note six: Pete Hegseth lost to Mark Kelly yesterday. In court and in life. More: Associated Press

Note seven: So Corey Lewandowski, the DHS secretary’s lover, fired a pilot because he forgot Noem’s blankie. They had to then rehire the pilot so he could fly them home. Hey so why are we paying for these freaks to have an affair? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Finally! We finally saw some fucking accountability in this country for someone on the Epstein list. Kathy Ruemmler was a top Obama official and a dear friend of the gross child rapist. She was just fired as head lawyer at Goldman Sachs. Like we said from the start, fuck the party. Lock up the creeps. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Iran killed thousands of protesters. Trump said he would have their backs. It was another deadly lie. More: NBC News

Note 10: God this is so fucking funny. Thank you to everyone who showed up to make this human garbage miserable…

Note 11: The Trump administration is cheering good jobs and inflation numbers this week, so of course here comes the next housing crisis. More: The Independent

Note 12: We now live in a backwards country that is anti-vaccine. We really should put a bucket on the Statue of Liberty’s head just so people know exactly how fucking stupid we’ve become. More: Stat News

Note 13: Well this is upsetting. We think the toilet seats should get tested.

Note 14: Yikes. The AP found that 72 percent of Americans want Trump to quit fucking with Greenland. Sixty percent disapprove of ICE, and only 36 percent approve of Trump. And this is the asshole who keeps telling us how popular he is. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Trump nominated an avowed white nationalist for a State Department position. Dude is going down, but still what the effing fuck?! More: HuffPost, NBC News

Note 16: Remember when DHS said ICE agents had to shoot because they were attacked by shovels? Well that was another goddamn lie. More: Yahoo News

Note 17: You simply can’t fuck with Ukrainian unity.

Note 18: That creepy Yale professor from the Epstein files is no longer teaching. Good. He should have to notify his neighbors he lives near them. More: Yale Daily News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, just enjoy…

Note 20: And on that goosebumps note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. Especially those badass Monks and Friar Rick. Love y’all!

Jail Jared
So you know that whistleblower report that Tulsi Gabbard has been trying to keep from Congress? Well it seems to be about Jared Kushner being a fucking traitor. Yeah, who would have guessed that the dude who couldn’t get a security clearance and then took $2 billion from the Saudis was compromised? It seems that Jared is just like his convict daddy. So are any of the reporters who thirsted after Hunter Biden’s dick pics gonna get on this? More: The Independent

Sicko
Jail is too good for Russell Vought. The OMB director and author of Project 2025 was behind the despicable cuts to USAID that will kill millions and he’s using the money for his own private security. Remember our whole lives when we were told Congress controls the power of the purse? Well apparently that was bullshit like everything else. We sure hope Karma comes and finds this motherfucker with a quickness. More: Reuters

RIP Earth
The dumbest dumb shit on the planet is desperately trying to kill that planet. Yesterday, on behalf of Big Oil and Satan, Trump announced that he is reversing the EPA finding that greenhouse gasses contribute to climate change. And with that, he took the toolbox we had to fight climate change and he kicked it into the rapidly rising ocean. He will get sued over this, but does anyone think this corrupt Supreme Court isn’t going to side with the fossil fuel companies? Guess it’s back to smog for L.A. and asthma for everyone. Sigh. We could have had Kamala. More: CNBC

Today’s clips
Ukrainian skeleton athlete Vladyslav Heraskevych said Friday that he knows there’s no pathway for him to race in the Milan Cortina Games, even if his disqualification is overturned on appeal by sport’s highest court. MOre: Associated Press

David Huerta faces up to a year in prison for allegedly interfering in a federal immigration raid last year in his hometown of Los Angeles. He has pleaded not guilty and is awaiting trial, but he is not staying quiet in the meantime. More: HuffPost

The federal immigration agents who shot Marimar Martinez five times in October had said minutes earlier that it’s “time to get aggressive” before swerving their patrol car into the Chicago teacher’s vehicle and opening fire, according to newly released body camera footage of the three Border Patrol agents. More: HuffPost

A federal judge used part of a court hearing Thursday to read email and social media death threats she received following her ruling blocking the Trump administration from ending temporary immigration protections for Haitians living in the United States. More: NBC News

Members of Congress sharply criticized the Justice Department over allegations that it was tracking what lawmakers were searching for as they viewed unredacted versions of the Jeffrey Epstein files. More: NBC News

The cognitive dissonance of rooting for U.S. sports while hating the U.S. government is so common that “it continues to be one of the main topics I hold space for in therapy,” said Los Angeles-based licensed clinical social worker Aimee Monterrosa. “As we continue to witness national and global atrocities in real time...it can trigger feelings of guilt, despair, shame, anger.” More: HuffPost