Noem on down to South Park

It’s Thursday. There are 453 days until the midterm elections. JD Vance’s nonstop vacation, Trump backs Cuomo and Kristi Noem goes on down to South Park.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But you’ll never catch it kissing Putin ass.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You’ve almost made it to the weekend, so hang in there. We know it’s not easy to get through even a single day here in the dumb country, but it could be worse. Yesterday we watched billionaire Tim Cook kiss Trump’s ass and then stand there while Trump and Jiggly Dudeboobies (JD) Vance lied to the world about Jeffrey Epstein. What’s the point of Fuck You Money if you can’t say fuck you to a gross pedophile scumbag?

But this isn’t about Tim Cook and his pathetic lack of a spine or his deep love of kissing pedo ass. No, we’ve all seen these rich losers bend the knee. Today, we want to talk about the heroes. Like many of y’all, we were raised in part by Mr. Rogers, who told us to look for the heroes. Well, we found some…

LOLOL!!! YES! THIS IS THE WAY! We have no idea who hacked the audio at this event and started playing circus music, but we’d like to buy them a drink and then give them a goddamn medal. The fucked up truth is that right now in this country fascists have all the power and all the big guns on their side. That’s why we have to resist any way we can. And the best way to do that is to win elections. But the second best way to do it is to make fun of these goddamn losers until they cry.

One of the most enduring images from the first Trump term was Juli Briskman, on her bike, giving Trump’s motorcade the finger. It’s the energy that’s going to help us carry the day. Or at least make Trump weep like the limp-weinered man-baby he is. It’s the only thing we like about Trumpland — watching everyday Americans become heroes by taking a stand against fascism.

So HUGE THANKS to whomever pulled this off. And fuck you to all-time clown Linda McMahon, who didn’t seem rattled at all by music she’s been living to her whole miserable goddamn life. Y’all have a blessed day. More: The Guardian

Note two: Oh look who’s trying to rig the next election by calling for a new census. Someone tell this dumbshit the constitution requires a census every decade and some dim-witted gameshow host doesn’t get to change that with a memo. More: CNBC

Note three: Here’s the story about Tim Cook being Trump’s bitch. We’re not gonna burn our Apple products, but we really want to. More: The Verge

Note four: Trump got mad yesterday and said that the Epstein story was “total bullshit.” He didn’t say which part though. He and Vance were very angry that people found out about their super secret pedophile conspiracy dinner. More: The New Republic

Note five: We don’t know about y’all, but we find it pretty fucking alarming that the Library of Congress disappeared some sections of the Constitution and then obvious lied about it. Remember when we didn’t have to worry about places like the Library of Congress or the Smithsonian? Now we have to keep an eye on the fucking gift shop at the Treasury Department.

Note six: The stupid, idiotic tariffs from a stupid, idiotic president went into effect at midnight. Hope everyone enjoys paying more for shit. It really is wild watching this moron take a hammer to our economy. More: HuffPost

Note seven: The free speech guy is threatening more late night comedy hosts. So yeah we’re just North Korea with better television now. More: HuffPost

Note eight: This isn’t a sports newsletter, but holy shit the Dodgers’ Shohei Ohtani might be the greatest baseball player of all time. More: ESPN

Note nine: The Cuomos sucks. They really, really suck. Chris Cuomo got caught yesterday using an AI deep fake of AOC. When she called him out, he whined and said that it still sounded like her. What the hell is wrong with these guys and why do they suck so much? More: The Guardian

Note 10: We’re about to find out just how dumb South Carolina can be. Because voting for the chemtrails dumbfuck who hangs out in bathrooms would be pretty dang dumb.

Note 11: Trump’s stormtroopers are still terrorizing people in Los Angeles. While the troops have retreated, a lot of people are still being hunted. Fuck ICE. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Bill Cassidy is a weasel. He could have stopped RFK’s war on science and vaccines, but he didn’t. And now he’s doing a chickenshit Susan Collins routine. More: Stat News

Note 13: Speaking of RFK, thank you to Stephen Colbert for cussing his brainwormed ass to hell and back last night. Colbert is off the chain, and we’re here for it. More: Mediaite

Note 14: The free market people are fucking with the free market again. We’re starting to think they’re full of shit. More: NBC News

Note 15: We’re freaking loving JB Pritzker’s role in this Texas horseshit. Democrats need more tough guys with heart, and that’s JB in a nutshell.

Note 16: Leonardo DiCaprio has been spotted hanging out with Jeff Bezos at his wedding and now on his yacht. So we totally get why Rose let him drown. More: HuffPost

Note 17: What’s the opposite of congratulations? Because that’s what we have for the soulless corporate scum as they celebrate the Paramount-Skydance merger today. We hope they all eat shit. More: Deadline

Note 18: Things might be shitty, but at least we still have Alan Dershowitz to laugh at. What a dunce. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we can’t wait to the news section, so we have to show you a clip from the latest South Park (also, we’re sorry we screwed up the link yesterday).

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is going well. And if it ain’t, just remember that nobody played circus music while you were at work to point out what a joke you are. Unless you actually work at a circus. Love y’all!

Vacay Vance
Trump and Vance have been in office for more than six months. Vance has spent four of them on vacation and the other two with his giant head up Trump’s giant ass. But it somehow gets even more corrupt than that. The Guardian scoops that Vance had the Army Corp of Engineers change the water levels of a lake in Ohio to improve canoeing. This is what VP Couchfuck is doing while the rest of us are sharing a dirty bathroom at national parks. We’re torn. On the one hand, we’re sick of paying for this weird creep to go on corrupt vacations. On the other hand, we really don’t like the cruel shit he does when he’s working. More: The Guardian

The only anti-Trump candidate
Zohran Mamdani came out firing yesterday after the New York Times reported that not only is Trump thinking about endorsing Andrew Cuomo for mayor, but he’s actually been in direct contact with the disgraced ex-governor. Mamdani rightfully pointed out that the collusion between the two sex creeps is a “betrayal” of New Yorkers. It’s also worth noting that with Eric Adams owing his freedom to Trump and Cuomo now in direct contact with Trump, there is only one candidate for NYC mayor who will actually stand up to the orange asshead. Go Zo! More: The Independent, Newsweek

Noem on down to South Park
Well we already showed you one of the clips because we just couldn’t wait. As we said in the opening note, mocking fascists is crucial to our resistance. That’s why we are really goddamn glad to have the creators of South Park joining in our efforts. After getting in a fight with ICE this week and making fun of Trump’s tiny pecker last week, the South Park boys went off on Kristi Noem and ICE last night. The sound of the pit crew applying her make-up almost made us piss ourselves. We also fucking lost it at their portrayal of VP Couchfuck. Why are we so excited about this stuff? Because this is the kind of shit that breaks through in ways news reporting doesn’t. And because we love it when people make fun of fascist assholes. More: CNN

Today’s clips
The FBI has agreed to cooperate with Texas state law enforcement to locate the 50 Democratic legislators who left the state to avoid a vote on redistricting, Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) said on Thursday. More: Axios

President Donald Trump on Thursday demanded that the CEO of the tech firm Intel resign immediately, saying he is “highly conflicted” because of alleged ties to China. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin may be meeting in person “in the coming days,” the Kremlin said Thursday, as critics worry the Russian leader could be setting up a trap for the U.S. More: Huff Post

Billionaire hedge funder and MAGA megadonor Bill Ackman has walked back his claims that Time’s Gaza cover photo of Palestinians lining up for food at an aid station was “staged.” More: Mediaite

U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia Jeanine Pirro said Wednesday that the age of legal accountability in Washington, D.C., should be lowered to 14 in light of the recent assault of former Department of Government Efficiency worker Edward “Big Balls” Coristine. More: The Hill