No effing kings

Happy Friday. There are 508 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s goons assault a senator, E. Jean wins again and an orange idiot’s war.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity, and it’s coming in hot today.

Note: We don’t know about you Sexy Patriots, but the accumulation of insults and attacks from the Republican Party is giving birth to a Sexy Rage Monster inside of us. That video of Sen. Padilla being roughed up by Trump and Noem’s goons was like a Thanksgiving feast for our Sexy Rage Monster (we’re calling him Geoffrey). Thankfully, we get to take Geoffrey for a walk this weekend at the No Kings Protest. Are you coming?

Hell to the yeah! We hope to see you there rocking out with your democracy out. But remember to keep Geoffrey on a leash. We write an angry, cussing newsletter every day, so we’re not about to start giving lessons in civility. But we would like to offer some advice for keeping your hot asses out of jail. Please remember free speech has legal limits (and that’s in a world where the law matters). So no threats. Not against the president, or the couch-fucking guy or the cop giving you a dirty look. You can say a lot of shit, but no threats. Leave that to the dumbfuck incels on twitter. We also don’t do violence. Again, that’s for the Jan. 6 dirtbag shitheads.

Also remember to write contact information on your forearm so you don’t need it in your phone. Oh and remember to be loud. Loud as fuck, in fact. Because we don’t have no goddamn kings in this country, and some folks need to be reminded of that. Have fun, be loud and please be safe. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We screwed up. For our protest sign, we made a life-size cutout of Trump’s pecker. But now nobody can see it and we don’t know where it is. Zing!

Note three: Israel is already planning another strike on Iran. You want to know how we know this? Because our idiot fucking president posted it on Truth Social. We’re feeling just great about all of this. More: CNN

Note four: We fucked up and forgot to link to this “no fat soldiers” story from the other day. Basically Trump’s team ordered only MAGA soldiers who looked the part were allowed to be at his gross rally the other day. Army officials pushed back but we know what ultimately happened. More: Military.com, Army Times

Note five: We are really liking the non-podcast version of Gavin Newsom. This is who California needs him to be.

Note six: A judge told Trump to return control of the National Guard to Newsom last night and almost immediately some Trump judges on the appeals court said not so fast. Maybe now that Trump is starting another stupid war he’ll need these soldiers somewhere else. More: BBC

Note seven: A judge also said that Trump can’t overhaul federal elections to make it easier for him to cheat. We assume this one was appointed by a real president. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Will wonders never cease? Senate Republicans are quietly signaling that they don’t actually want Trump to be a king. Of course in public they’re kissing so much ass they might as well be toilet seats. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We mentioned this in our Thursday Therapy Session yesterday, but we are so fucking excited there’s a new Spaceballs being made. We really needed the news that the amazing Rick Moranis is returning to the silver screen. Keep firing, assholes! More: The Dish

If you missed our therapy session you can watch here! Thank you to everyone that joined - throw us a comment in the post!

Note 10: We try like hell to stay out of primaries, and our feeling about the NYC mayoral primary is pretty much Anyone But Cuomo. That said, this is a helluva answer…

Note 11: A MAGA boxer is suddenly upset that Trump is invading L.A. and sending ICE after families. We assume this fella has been hit in the head a lot, so maybe he just didn’t hear Trump promising to do all of this fucked up shit. More: Yahoo

Note 12: House Republicans voted to kill Big Bird yesterday. Sick bastards. More: NBC News

Note 13: The White House just told about half-a-million legal immigrants to get the fuck out. He was NEVER just going to focus on criminals because this was ALWAYS about being a racist scumbag. More: HuffPost

Note 14: It’s hard to describe how much we hate Democrat Jared Golden. He’s like if John Fetterman ate Joe Manchin and crapped out Kyrsten Sinema. More: Axios

Note 15: JB Pritzker is not playing nice with these Trump assholes, and we are so here for it.

Note 16: It’s pretty fucked up and gross that Trump’s friends opened a club in D.C. with a $500,000 membership fee. Maybe Tapper should write a book about it. More: Mother Jones

Note 17: There are few things in this world we love as much as the creativity of our fellow resisters…

Note 18: Democratic strategist David Plouffe worked for Kamala Harris. Then he became the major source for Tapper’s shitty book. Now he’s going to work for a crypto group alongside Trump campaign manager Chris LaCivita and fucking Sinema. We really need new operatives who aren’t corrupt and don’t suck. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to the Kennedy Center. Our favorite story of the week was the brave drag queens who showed up and showed out when Trump went to see Les Mis. The thing about Trumpism is that it presents the opportunity for ordinary everyday Americans to become heroes. And that’s exactly what these ladies did. More: Advocate

Note 20: And on that dazzling note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all made it through this stupid, fucked up week. We also hope you’re ready to make some noise this week. BECAUSE WE AIN’T GOT NO KINGS!!! Love y’all!!!

Hands off!
By now you’ve seen the video of Kristi Noem’s thugs assaulting U.S. Sen. Alex Padilla in his home state of California. You’ve probably also seen Republicans lying about it and chickenshit white reporters both-sidesing it. But Padilla was doing the job Californians elected him to do, and we are damn grateful. We also think it’s important to point out exactly what Kristi Noem was saying before Padilla spoke up. Here’s the exact quote: “We are not going away. We are staying here to liberate the city from the socialists and the burdensome leadership that this governor and that this mayor have placed on this country and what they have tried to insert into the city.” Yes, it’s incoherent but it’s also a fascist fucking threat. Thank goodness Sen. Padilla was there to speak up and call attention to this crazy shit. More: Axios, Mediaite

Not tired of winning
Nobody has beaten Donald Trump more than E. Jean Carroll. It’s like she got a second job just kicking his orange ass. A New York appeals court just denied Trump’s latest effort to get the defamation judgment against him overturned. It will never stop being infuriating to us that a judge and jury said that Trump is a rapist and sexual abuser, respectively, and the mainstream media just didn’t give a shit. We’re also linking to a profile of Carroll that we think is worth the read. Congrats to E. Jean and fuck you to Trump. More: The Cut, US News

Uh-oh
Well, it looks like war again. Last night, Israel launched a massive attack on Iran, trying to take out the country’s nuclear program and Revolutionary Guard leadership. Trump publicly pretended like he didn’t know about it, but now he has pretty much endorsed the strikes. The thing that makes this really dumb is that Trump was in the middle of negotiations with Iran over its nuclear program. And the thing that makes it really, really dumb is that we already had a deal with Iran that Obama negotiated and dumbshit wrecked. Trump and Israel have made it clear that they are in this together, so get ready for Iran to kill some Americans as revenge. Weren’t we promised no more wars? More: The Guardian, CNN

Today’s clips
Democratic Rep. John Mannion erupted at fellow New York Rep. Mike Lawler (R) on the House floor Thursday afternoon — with no shortage of f-bombs — in apparent outrage over Sen. Alex Padilla’s (D-Calif.) incident with law enforcement earlier in the day. More: The Hill

A House committee hearing devolved into chaos on Thursday as Rep. Maxwell Frost (D-Fla.) pressed lawmakers to subpoena Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem after her security team assaulted Sen. Alex Padilla (D-Calif.) at a press briefing. More: HuffPost

Embattled former NFL star Antonio Brown is a wanted man after a shooting that followed a celebrity boxing event in Florida last month, according to reports. More: Mediaite

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) seemed just a little too eager for war as Israel launched airstrikes on Iran early Friday. More: HuffPost

The survivor of the Air India Flight 171 crash Thursday revealed he miraculously survived by escaping through a broken emergency exit. More: NBC News

The latest from Adam and Sam

The latest from Adam