New Tone

It’s Tuesday. There are 189 days until the midterm elections. Standing with Jimmy (and the First Amendment), the sins of CBS and paying for buttmouth’s ballroom.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s just getting started.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we thought about it. We heard the bullshit calls for civility and lowering the temperature. But then we realized they were coming from the same pieces of shit who attacked our Capitol, laughed at Paul Pelosi’s assault and basically formed a lynch mob to go after the Obamas for the last 15 years, so we decided fuck that. It was this specific dung worm who helped our decision…

Sonofa… So that’s what the law professors at Georgetown are teaching these days, huh? Well we wish he’d enroll in Eating Shit 101. But apparently he’s been hitting the books in Introduction to Being a Little Dick Racist Pissant. Seriously who the fuck do these sonsofbitches think they are? They think they can abuse us, assault us and insult us and we’re just gonna sit back and take it? LOL. What country do they think this is?!

We will always oppose violence. It’s just who we are. But we are making a formal announcement today that we will not be dialing back our rhetoric. In fact, we’ve moved the Cuss-a-tron 3000 into high gear to let these motherfucking pig-titted dick-eaters that they can’t stop us and they can’t scare us. Because treasonous birther scum don’t get to talk to us about civility until they pull their heads out of New Hitler’s giant orange ass. And even then, they can fuck off. Y’all have a blessed day. Oh and we do hope Professor Barnett eats all the shit.

Note two: And we will get to this in the news section, but we did want to make it a point to tell Melania to fuck off too. We don’t know if they have the First Amendment wherever she’s from, but we sure as hell do here. More: NPR

Note three: King Charles is addressing Congress today. We really tried, but we just couldn’t make ourselves give a crap. More: NBC News

Note four: Yesterday we incorrectly identified the attempted assassin from last weekend as a teacher. We got a very angry email from someone who obviously doesn’t know anything about us, but here’s more info on the dude. More: Associated Press

Note five: We laughed harder than we should have at the Keebler Douchebag calling himself a grown-up. Dude has to stand on a phone book just to kiss Trump’s scrotum.

Note six: The Southern Poverty Law Center didn’t do anything wrong except go after racists. That’s why the racists are trying to destroy them. More: Associated Press

Note seven: The Strait of Hormuz is still basically closed. It’s almost like the Iranians don’t give a fuck about Trump’s ballroom. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Oil is over $100 a barrel again. But don’t worry because you can fill up your car with TRUMP’S FUCKING BALLROOM. Sorry. We’re raging over the absurdity of it all. More: Investors.com

Note nine: We’re not calling them NICE. We will continue to call them murderers, thugs, secret police and Trump’s bitches. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We really, really like Jon Ossoff’s chances against these dudes.

Note 11: While the beltway buttlicks were writing their new tone pieces yesterday, the White House was attacking Rosa DeLauro’s appearance. We really need new reporters who don’t suck. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We were disappointed to hear Hakeem Jeffries say impeachment won’t be a top priority if/when Democrats retake the House. But we did like him telling the White House to take their whining and shove it. More: The Hill, More: The Hill II

Note 13: Aren’t you happy that your tax dollars are going toward helping Kid Rock feel like a real man? Can’t this dirtbag just stuff a sock in his pants and be done with it? More: NPR

Note 14: DHS is still very much shut down because Republicans don’t know how to anything other than to give world-class foot massages to an asshole. More: The Hill

Note 15: Jesse Watters is a real piece of taint cheese. We feel so sorry for his mother.

Note 16: It’s not funny but it is kind of funny that John Hinckley is saying the Washington Hiton isn’t safe. The whole time Sam was in D.C. and attending events there, it was known as the Hinckley Hilton. More: The Hill

Note 17: Elon Leon Musk and AI scumfuck Sam Altman are trying to destroy each other in court. We’re rooting for a giant asteroid to hit the courthouse. More: NBC News

Note 18: Billionaires are fleeing California because the state wants them to pay their fair share. Oh well. Fuck ‘em. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, let’s talk Jimmy. We’re going to get into this here in a sec, but we wanted to make sure you saw this defiant and much-needed response to a fascist White House…

Note 20: And on that ballsy note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. We also hope you tell anyone who tells you to be more civil to fuck off, go to hell and eat shit. Love y’all!

Get Louder
Trump and his participation trophy wife think they can throw a tantrum and get a comedian fired. And while that might be true at CBS, Disney is so far not playing along. Melania and Donald came out yesterday demanding that Kimmel be fired for a joke he told days before the correspondents dinner. But the Trumps saw a chance to go after someone they don’t like, so they took it. Mercifully, people aren’t playing these stupid games anymore and are pushing back on the Trumps’ hypocrisy. Keep giving them hell, Jimmy. It’s the only thing these fuckers understand. More: USA Today

Bari’s bullshit
So we knew CBS was pulling punches and going super political, but this is pretty gross. Bari Weiss fired the London bureau chief and accused her news reporters and producers of being “like Hamas.” And to make matters even better, 60 Minutes heavily edited Trump’s interview on Sunday. Remember when Trump sued CBS over that and they folded? So yeah, CBS is just Trump garbage at this point and they can kiss our asses. More: Hollywood Reporter, More: New York Post

Just like the wall
We hated Trump’s stupid ballroom when we thought it was being paid for with corporate bribes. But now that Republicans want us to pay for it, we really hate that goddamn thing. Yeah, Lindsey Graham and Hill Republicans have decided that not only does Trump need his Hitler bunker and ballroom, but they also think our tax dollars should pay for it. LOLOL!!! We love this as a midterm message for them. We hope they send Lindsey out on the road to talk about it. Sorry you can’t afford food or gas or healthcare, but here’s a shiny new ballroom for an asshole everyone hates. More: The Hill

Today’s clips
The United Arab Emirates will exit OPEC on May 1, in a major blow to the cartel that coordinates production among many of the world’s largest oil producers, particularly those in the Middle East. More: CNBC

Democratic state Rep. James Talarico is leading both of his prospective Republican opponents in a new poll of Texas’ U.S. Senate race — though the result is within the margin of error in either scenario, suggesting a close contest in November. More: Texas Tribune

At least one person is dead after severe weather battered the Midwest, with millions more under warnings for more severe weather on Tuesday. More: NBC News

LAS VEGAS — A Nevada judge sentenced “Dances With Wolves” actor Nathan Chasing Horse on Monday to life in prison for sexually assaulting Indigenous women and girls. More: NBC News

LAS MINAS, Cuba (AP) — Eduardo Obiols Sobredo struggles to feed Cubans young and old, a task even harder now because of a U.S. energy blockade that has caused sweeping water and power outages along with severe gas shortages. More: Associated Press

The Justice Department on Monday called on a court to dissolve an injunction blocking the construction of President Donald Trump’s $400 million ballroom, arguing the group that brought the lawsuit suffers from “Trump Derangement Syndrome.” More: HuffPost