New Low(s)

It’s Thursday. There are 96 days until the midterm elections. Elon Leon tries to buy another election, Trump’s economy sucks and the Senate punts on the president’s personal lawyer.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it still has better poll numbers than assface.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, yesterday was rock bottom. Or it would be if every goddamn day wasn’t rock bottom. We’re the United States of Fucking SpongeBob. Watching goons like Rand Paull and Ron Johnson go after an American hero like Anthony Fauci yesterday was simply beyond the pale. Just look at this crazy shit…

Oh Tommy. You brainless buttheaded bitch boy. It never stops being amazing to us that someone can be either that stupid, that craven or both. And these are the motherfuckers who are accusing Fauci of killing people?! Why? Because he didn’t tell them to inject bleach or shove livestock suppositories up their dumb asses?! Sorry he’s not a fucking quack, Tommy! Anyway, we wanted to get an expert’s opinion, but we couldn’t find one who would talk to us. So here’s an interview with the man currently in charge of our health policy, RFK Jr…

Us: Please put the flamethrower down.
RFK: My xylophone is trying to kill me!
Us: We don’t think that’s true, and you’re scaring us.
RF: I cut off little pieces of my own butt cheeks and eat them for dessert!
Us: That’s pretty fucked up even for you. So about Fauci…
RFK: I SLEEP ON A BED OF FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS AND LIES!
Us: Ok we’re gonna go and head on out. You have a good day now.

Ok that was terrifying. At no time were we in danger of falling in love with him. But that’s just us. Anyway, we’re being led by idiots and lunatics and we really need to fucking do something about it this November. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some more therapy? Yeah, we could sure use it. Let’s do 4:15 p.m. ET/1:15 p.m. PT. See you then!

Note three: Whoa. Big Emerson poll out of Michigan this morning showing Abdul opening up a big lead over Stevens. We stay out of primaries and we’ve been hurt by polls before, so take this for what it’s worth. We mostly just want this thing to end. More: The Hill

Note four: Speaking of not believing polls, Fox News has us absolutely fucking rolling in the Senate battlegrounds. Now let us all ignore these and continue to bust our asses. More: Fox News

Note five: Trump’s polling has hit new lows. He crossed over into 60 percent average disapproval, and two polls out yesterday had him in the Bush bunker in the low 30s. Even his dumbshit base is starting to crack a little.

Note six: Holy shit! Even the AP has him at 33 percent! More: AP

Note seven: Even the cowboys at the Secret Service are blowing the whistle on Trump’s efforts to lock up Jim Comey. More: MS Now

Note eight: Iran update — We are still at war, they still control the Strait, they are not wiped out, their military has not been defeated, there is no way out and our president is a goddamn moron. More: NBC News

Note nine: Sen. Bernie Moreno tried to act like a tough guy with Fauci yesterday. If only Moreno acted this tough with the U.S. Rep. who abused his daughter. Fucking coward. More: The Hill, People

Note 10: We really wish every Democrat would learn to talk this way about the sick sonsofbitches we’re up against. Git his ass…

Note 11: It’s good to know that in this country you are still allowed to call Kash Patel a “googly-eyed Kremlin bitch.” Because he is. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Trump is telling Oregon fire fighters to go fuck themselves. America first, right? More: KGW

Note 13: Megyn Kelly says that Fauci hurt more people than ‘Epstein. Megyn Kelly really loves her some pedophiles. More: MediaMatters

Note 14: Joe Rogan wants to know how anyone can defend the destruction of Gaza. Maybe he should look in the fucking mirror. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Man, Pope Bob is just a really good dude.

Note 16: Age is just a number, y’all. If you don’t believe us, ask Too $hort. More: AP

Note 17: Hey can someone tell us why the effing fuck our tax dollars and our DOJ are being used to help Trump fight the woman he sexually abused and defamed? More: AP

Note 18: How scummy is Katie Miller? Dr. Fauci helped her through panic attacks and she’s still going after him and lying about him. Just straight up human garbage. More: NOTUS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we thought we’d take a second to applaud the creativity of the resistance. We’re fighting fascism, and doing some cool shit along the way. If you’re looking for any gift ideas for your favorite cussing newsletter, here’s an idea…

Note 20: And on that clean note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. We also hope that the people going after Fauci contract super crabs and their genitals fall off. Love y’all!

Time to Kick Some More Nerd Ass

It seems that Elon Leon didn’t learn his lesson the last time he got involved in an election. Despite dropping millions of dollars into the Wisconsin Supreme Court race last year, Elon got his shit rocked and then went away with his tail between his legs. (He might actually have a tail.) Well, apparently he wants some more medicine because there are reports that he’s going to go big on the midterms. Between him and the overwhelming cash advantage the Republican committees have, it does look like we’re gonna be outgunned. But you know what they say — they’ve got the guns, but we’ve got the numbers. Let’s make Elon cry again.

More: Axios

Nice Try, Nutlick

It wasn’t that long ago that Epstein pal Howard Lutnick was telling us the second quarter of 2026 was gonna be huge. Nutlick even said we’d be hitting 6 percent GDP this year. Oops. This morning we learned that second quarter GDP actually came in at 1.5 percent, well below the expectation of 2.1 percent. Why? Well because the president of the United States is one of the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet and he started a stupid war to go along with his stupid tariffs. When you combine this with yesterday’s realization that the markets hate Kevin Warsh for being a Trump kiss-ass, you start to realize that we’re just at the beginning of the turbulence. Everyone, buckle up.

More: AP

Sweat, Todd

The Senate Judiciary Committee was supposed to be voting on Todd Blanche’s nomination to be AG today. But they are postponing. Why? Well because Todd is refusing to put into writing that he won’t go along with the Jan. 6 slush fund or immunity from audits for Trump and his family. And the fact that he won’t put it in writing even with his nomination hanging in the balance really says it all. John Cornyn of all people has emerged as Blanche’s top obstacle to confirmation. Our assumption is that Cornyn will eventually get on his knees and do what he’s told. But we are enjoying watching the Epstein cover-up artist squirm a little.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

Elon Musk’s company xAI has sued Minnesota over the state’s first-in-the-nation law that bans “nudification” technology on websites and apps, potentially providing a test for how far states can go in constitutionally regulating the use of artificial intelligence. More: AP

The father of a 10-year-old rescued from pounding surf off the California coast in a dramatic scene captured on video says he is beyond grateful to the teenage lifeguard who saved his son. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The American Dream may not be dead for many Black Americans, but it is further away than at any point since the Civil Rights Movement, warns a report by the National Urban League. More: AP

**JACKSON, Miss. —** The family of Bart Edmiston Jr., one of Nolan Wells’ friends, has sent a cease-and-desist letter to a social media user it accuses of spreading false claims linking Edmiston to Wells’ death. More: WAPT

WASHINGTON – A senior Trump administration official is using his government social media account to name and attack sitting federal judges whose rulings he doesn’t like, sparking accusations that he’s putting their safety at risk at a time when judges are facing increasing threats of violence. More: HuffPost

A fast-moving wildfire, one of several blazes to erupt across heatwave-scorched southern Europe in recent days, has forced George and Amal Clooney to evacuate their multimillion-dollar estate near Brignoles in Provence, southeastern France. More: HuffPost

GENEVA (AP) — FIFA President Gianni Infantino set a Sept. 19 deadline on Wednesday for the 211 member federations to accept one-off $20 million offers as part of a project to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors. More: HuffPost