NBA-hole
Happy Friday. There are 151 days until the midterm elections. A real mess in Maine, Republicans back Trump’s slush fund and 100 days of dumbass war.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it promises not to ruin your fun sporting event.
Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it to the weekend and you didn’t even have a ballroom to protect you. We’re so proud. You know who else is proud right now? New Yorkers. Yeah, they are strutting even more than usual. The Game One success of the Knicks has that town flying high. So naturally, cankles is gonna try and fuck it up…
Ok, New York, we need to talk. We would never be so bold or presumptuous as to tell you what to do, ask for a favor or even look you in the eye while walking on a busy street. But on behalf of all humanity, we’re gonna need you to boo this dumb orange motherfucker to hell and back. We are hardcore opposed to violence, so please don’t throw any rotten fruit or glass bottles at him. But boo. Boo like your life depends on it. Boo until his purple hands explode. Boo until he cries and that hideous makeup runs the whole mile down his goddamn tie.
Our concern is that ticket prices are so high that only rich assholes who actually like Trump are gonna get in. But we feel like we can count on Gotham to come through and make that sorry sonofabitch come face-to-face with just how much he’s hated. And if New York doesn’t boo? Well, Go Spurs. LOL. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: How about a bonus therapy session today? Yeah, we need it too. How does 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT sound? Great! We’ll see you then.
Note three: We fucked up yesterday. We saw your comments about calling out Katie Porter instead of all the dude Democrats who should have dropped out too. We heard you, and we’re sorry. And to be clear, this one is on Sam; not Adam.
Note four: We got a good jobs report today, which makes no fucking sense with an asshole wrecking everything and driving gas prices higher. Should we start screaming that it’s rigged? More: CNBC
Note five: The director of the FBI says it’s someone else’s fault that he never found Nancy Guthrie. Was that someone Jim Beam? This is one of those things that would have been a massive scandal for Biden, but with Trump the MSM just don’t seem to give a shit.
Note six: The House is standing with Ukraine even if the White House is standing with Putin. More: NBC News
Note seven: And Zelensky is trying again for peace even though Putin is the one who desperately needs a way out. Sound familiar? More: NBC News
Note eight: John Bolton is going to plead guilty. We don’t like this dude, but man this is fucked up. More: NBC News
Note nine: With his corrupt pardons, Donald Trump has put a lot of dangerous criminals back on the streets. One of them is George Santos. More: NPR
Note 10: Well goddamn. This is how you freaking do it…
Note 11: Poor Vanilla Ice. That man is desperate for work. So when Trump announced yesterday that he’s going to have a rally with Lee fucking Greenwood instead of doing that thing that even Milli Vanilli wouldn’t attend, Ice tried to get in on it. More: The Hill
Note 12: So we are HUGE fans of the band the Black Crowes, going back to Shake Your Money Maker and that stunning cover of Amorica. And we’ve got their backs after they trashed their concert-goers for chanting U-S-A. Here’s the story. And a link to She Talks to Angels. More: HuffPost, YouTube
Note 13: We’ve taken some shit for not talking more about the Stanley Cup. But Sam actually watched that amazing overtime last night so he didn’t sound as dumb as this sonofabitch…
Note 14: California is still counting votes. The big one we’re all watching is the L.A. mayoral race where Nithya Raman still might lock out Spencer Pratt. Wouldn’t that be nice? More: AP, LAist
Note 15: Of all the people the MyPillow losers shouldn’t try to fuck with, Nancy Pelosi has to be near the top of the list. More: HuffPost
Note 16: We selfishly want Leslie Stahl to publicly call Bari Weiss trash and walk. But that ain’t our call and she sure as shit doesn’t need our advice on this or anything else. More: HuffPost
Note 17: We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but it does look like America is starting to heal…
Note 18: Holy freaking shitballs! Taylor Swift just dropped a new song for Toy Story 5. Let us know what you think. Unless it’s negative because we will not hear any Tay Tay slander. More: AP
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, the statues of Saddam are coming down. Ok it’s not quite that but workers are starting to remove all traces of Trump’s name off the Kennedy Center. We couldn’t find any videos that would make us all really aroused, but we’re enjoying the story nonetheless. More: Fox5 DC
Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. And if you’re going to the Knicks game on Sunday, you know what to do. Love y’all!
Fuck this
So we stay out of primaries. But we’re thinking about making an exception in Maine. Yesterday the New York Times reported from ex-girlfriends of Senate candidate Graham Platner, one of whom said he physically abused her. We’re not gonna tell the people of Maine what to do. But we’re not gonna stand with this guy either. We pride ourselves on being better than Trump scum. It’s not hard to do. All you have to do is not stand with guys who abuse women or get nazi tattoos. We’ve tried like hell to give this guy a chance because we all want Susan Collins gone. But how the fuck are any of us supposed to defend this shit? We know that Trump is worse, but surely that’s not our bar. This whole thing is just gross and sucky.
More: NBC News
While you were sleeping
Senate Republicans rammed through more money for Trump’s secret police and they defeated amendments that would have stopped his slush fund for child molesters and terrorists. Seriously. The whole fucking Republican caucus, minus Lisa Murkowski, voted for this heinous shit. Again — they literally voted to give our money to the scum who attacked our Capitol. They also voted to give another $70 billion to the thugs at CBP because that’s just what those lawless dirtbags needed. If we can’t make Republicans eat shit for this vote, then we should all just give up on politics.
More: NBC News
The 100-day mark
That subhed has two meanings. As CNBC’s Carl Quintanilla pointed out this morning, Sunday will mark 100 days since Trump started an idiotic war in Iran to distract from the Epstein files. Since then, we have heard countless explanations for why Trump started the war and we’ve all listened to him talk about his decorating plans while the cost of gas skyrocketed. We lost 13 soldiers, and we don’t think the true scope of damage to our bases in the Middle East has really been reported. The Strait of Hormuz is under Iranian control, their nuclear program remains and the world knows America has a limp dick. But other than that, things are going great.
More: ABC News
Today’s clips
NEW YORK — A New Jersey police sergeant has been charged with stealing $10,000 worth of cameras and other equipment from a photojournalist who had been injured covering tense protests outside a Newark immigration jail. More: NBC News
Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker on Friday plans to temporarily halt offering tax breaks to data centers that apply to build in the state and intends to call on lawmakers and other groups to hash out a framework in the fall veto session for how the centers should be developed. More: NBC News
Police have arrested the son of actor James Handy’s girlfriend in his death after he was found stabbed in the chest in Los Angeles, law enforcement said Thursday. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — The last time Washington, D.C., residents chose a new delegate to Congress and a new mayor in the same election, gas was $1.33 a gallon and George H.W. Bush was president.
This fall they will do it again — under starkly different circumstances. More: AP
RENO, Nev. (AP) — Nevada’s only Republican congressional seat is open for the first time in 15 years, and the primary is testing Republican voters’ appetite for a veteran politician or a newcomer with President Donald Trump’s backing. More: AP
Whatever meager shred of legitimacy the U.S. Supreme Court had went up in flames with its shadow docket decision on Tuesday allowing Alabama to move forward with a racially discriminatory congressional map with no time for election administrators to prepare. More: HuffPost
Here's the thing about the Maine race. Pearl-clutching Susan Collins, regardless of her "concerns" will always vote to fuck over her constituents and every other American by voting the Republican party line.
Platner, on the other hand, will vote in the best interests of Americans.
I'm willing to accept his rationale for the tattoo. Regarding the accusations of former girlfriends from years ago – can you say "Well-funded Smear Campaign"?
Just to keep fucking geriatric, lying Susan Collins from going back to DC, I support Platner for Senate!
With regards to Platner:
When you need to get somewhere in an emergency and you have to settle for what's available you take the ride that will get you the closest. This is an emergency and Platner is that ride. You don't have to like it or support it after you use it.