Miller Time

It’s Monday. There are 92 days until the midterm elections. The pool guy walks, Republicans cave on the Epstein guy and Max Miller is human garbage.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it just won its eleventy billionth club championship.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Whoa! Really? Well usually club soda will get that out, and we’re sure your neighbors will accept your apology. We’ve all been there. We spent our weekend working on a new side hustle that we are excited to announce today. We stay pretty busy as it is, but this idea for a new business hit us and we just couldn’t resist.

So today we are thrilled to announce the launch of business, the Rich Old White Motherfucker Moving Co. And we’d like to thank this decrepit shit for the inspiration…

LOL! Oh no! But if James leaves the party, who else will go on cable news to shit all over us and our party? Gosh, we might even develop some self-esteem without party leaders who hate us. That’s why we came up with this new business. We are happy to help James and Bill Maher and any other rich old white motherfucker who’s still pretending to be a Democrat move their Republican asses to somewhere else. Or they can just go fuck themselves. We’re good either way.

We know we said it’s going to take everyone to defeat the forces of darkness, but we don’t need turncoats and self-appointed gatekeepers. We need youth. We need energy. We need to win. And James ain’t bringing none of that. The good news for him and his ilk is that there is already a party for rich old white motherfuckers who hate Democrats. They’re called Republicans, and we are happy to help James move his wrinkled ass on over there. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Donald Trump won yet another golf tournament this weekend. And if you believe that shit then just go ahead and hit yourself in the head with a goddamn parking cone because you are too dumb for a serious punishment. More: The Independent

Note three: The Michigan primary is tomorrow. We are so fucking happy it’s going to be over. We don’t care who you vote for, but please vote and then let’s all come together on Wednesday and save this country. More: MS Now

Note four: A lot of folks have been wondering about the significance of Aug. 3 in Kentucky as it pertains to Missing Mitch. Gov. Andy Beshear dropped an update this morning. More: KBSI23

Note five: Hey let’s check in and see how the war against Iran is going and oh shit that ain’t good…

Note six: You know what Democrats in coastal states really love? Being treated like a piggybank and then told they don’t matter as much as Democrats in the middle of the country. Why do so many of our people insist on dividing us like this? Especially when they got fewer votes than Kamala Harris. More: Politico

Note seven: Trump is threatening Canada again. We’re so sorry, Canadians. We remember how y’all helped us with the California fires, so we really hate that we’re being such dicks. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Speaking of fires, Washington State has been through it these last few days. We’re sending love! More: NBC News

Note nine: Congratulations to Chuck Schumer on the spending deal he just made with Susan Collins. With a leader like Chuck, we might as well be Republicans. More: AP

Note 10: WNBA player Sophie Cunningham has decided to become famous by being anti-trans and posing with Riley Gaines. We thought we’d highlight this badass coach instead…

Note 11: Man, it is just fucking impossible to trust Gavin Newsom. What the hell, dude? More: The Wrap

Note 12: Remember last week when we were lamenting the fact that Trump and Kushner killed the World Cup? Well their plan was so radioactive that it was abandoned. Fuck Infantino. More: AP

Note 13: George Santos had to pay more money for being a piece of shit. It really should have been a bigger story that Trump put this criminal back on the streets. More: AP

Note 14: Did anyone see the new Spider-Man this weekend? Don’t tell us anything. We’re dying to see it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Oh dear. The Epstein scandal ain’t just hurting Trump. We’re gonna need more of this, please…

Note 16: Hey, Kansas! Don’t let Republicans steal your Supreme Court tomorrow! More: AP

Note 17: The local press in Maine are reporting that Elon Leon is going all in on trying to save Susan Collins. This feels like a gift for Troy Jackson. More: Press Heald

Note 18: We debated whether or not to show a clip of RFK Jr. completely losing his shit on CNN this weekend while lying about covid and Fauci. Ultimately, we decided we like y’all too much to force that shit on you. But you can check it out here… More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Vegas, baby! But we’ll warn you — this song is catchy as hell and it will get stuck in your head. If you’re lucky… More: Instagram

Note 20: And on that lyrical note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Unless you’re James Carville. That dude can eat shit. Love y’all!

Total Poolshit

On Friday, the Department of Justice dropped all charges against former Olympian Davey Hearn. Hearn was the innocent American who Donald Trump tried to put in prison for 10 years over the incompetent refinishing of the Reflecting Pool. While people like Nate Silver don’t give a shit about this, we think it’s a huge deal that the president of the United States repeatedly lied to the American people and even tried to imprison an innocent man to cover up for his fuck up. Trump is even doubling down on his lie, fighting with Pirro on Truth Social. Our guess is Hearn will have the last laugh when he sues DOJ for a shitload of money.

More: NBC News

The Blanche Flinch

If you’re a regular reader of this newsletter, then you know we never really got our hopes up that Republicans would sink Todd Blanche’s nomination. And we were right to be skeptical. John Cornyn and Thom Tillis are folding and voting to approve Blanche’s nomination after the acting AG agreed to a deal to kill the weaponization fund in writing. And if you believe that, you probably also believe Trump just won another golf tournament. Oh and the deal they all agreed to still gives Trump total immunity from the IRS. Everything about this shit stinks.

More: AP

Mad Max

Max Miller is an abusive piece of shit, and Bernie Moreno is a coward who protected him. If you’ve been following Ally, then you know that Max Miller is a monster who allegedly abused his ex-wife and child. You also know that Republicans have circled the wagons around Miller even as Democrats were dumping Graham Platner. That shifted slightly over the weekend after Miller put out a tone-deaf live stream in which he uses typical abuser language to lay out why he couldn’t have possibly done those things he definitely did. Almost immediately after Miller’s performance, Sen. Bernie Moreno said that Miller should not be the Republican nominee in that district and shouldn’t be running for Congress. Our hunch is that the real dealbreaker was new polling suggesting that Democrat Brian Poindexter is in a position to send Max home for good. This whole thing is disgusting, and Mike Johnson should have to eat it every fucking day.

More: Politico, NOTUS, Common Dreams

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump has played this hand before during the 5-month-old Iran war.

It starts with a grim warning to Tehran that the Republican president is on the cusp of ordering U.S. forces to “obliterate” its power plants or seize key parts of its oil industryif its leaders don’t quickly agree to U.S. terms to end the war. It ends with him edging away with a last-minute declaration, sometimes at the behest of Gulf allies, that he’s going to give diplomacy more time. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s administration is planning a dramatic overhaul of Head Start that would gut its quality standards, upending the hallmarks of the early education program for impoverished children, two people familiar with the deliberations said. More: AP

Maryland lawmakers will kick off a special session Monday to consider a first step in a partisan redistricting initiative that could help Democrats pick up an additional U.S. House seat by 2028. More: AP

South Carolina Republicans are reportedly worried about the election pickle President Donald Trump has put them in after the unexpected death of Sen. Lindsey Graham. More: HuffPost

Mauricio Pochettino agreed to remain U.S. Soccer’s men’s national team coach through the 2030 World Cup, insisting there’s “tremendous potential” to bring America to the sport’s upper echelons, officials said Monday. More: NBC News

PACIFICA, Calif. (AP) — Top dogs were riding waves Saturday at the annual World Dog Surfing Championships as hundreds of spectators cheered -- and barked -- from the Northern California beach. More: AP