Michigan and the Moon

It’s Wednesday. There are 90 days until the midterm election. Bari Weiss covers for Epstein, Republicans stand by another abuser and a nailbiter in Michigan.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never accidentally crashed into the moon like an asshole.

Note: Praise be to the Great Cookie Monster in the Sky! The Michigan primary is finally over (we think) and we are so excited to stop beating the living shit out of each other and focus on beating Trump and his gang of irredeemable assheads. That’s not to say we don’t understand the hard feelings out there. We get it. This shit feels so personal, and people get really invested. That’s a good thing. But it’s also a good thing to heal super quick so we can beat crap-eating toad taints like this gutless sonofabitch…

That, Sexy Patriots, is what a coward looks like. A weakling. A spineless, nutless, witless loser. A shell of a man. And that whole goddamn party is full of men and women just like this. Now this particular simp is retiring, which makes him even more pathetic. But it’s also an opportunity to replace him with someone who has a backbone, at least an ounce of self-respect and fewer pairs of ruined underwear from shitting himself at the thought of a mean tweet from Trump.

We don’t have a Congress right now. It’s yet another casualty of the Trump era. An entire branch of government has squeezed its sorry self all the way up Trump’s ample orange ass. And it’s up to us to pull it out, clean it up and get it back on its feet. America deserves better than weaklings and kiss-asses. So let’s come together to beat the simps and the wimps. Because this shit is pathetic. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: While you were sleeping, creepy fucking pervo Rep. Chuck Edwards announced he is ending his re-election bid. So why the fuck isn’t his gross ass resigning? More: CNN

Note three: HUGE props to Kansas and Missouri voters who saw some attempted Republican power grabs and rose up to defeat them. Nice try, scumbags. More: KansasCity.com, Kansas Reflector

Note four: While we’re talking good news, Happy Ted Lasso Day to all those who celebrate! More: Slate

Note five: We wish we were kidding about that moon thing, but Elon Leon just can’t stop fucking things up…

Note six: Ugh. Todd Blanche actually gets worse. Not only is he a lying, sleazy, corrupt piece of shit who coddles child rapists, but he’s also coming for women’s rights. More: New Republic

Note seven: Susan Collins announced she’s voting against Blanche. This means he already has the votes and Thune is letting Collins pretend to be a moderate. Let’s hope Maine voters are sick of this song and dance. More: CNBC

Note eight: Hey so why is the Israeli government locking up American teenagers and why isn’t Trump getting him out? More: Zeteo

Note nine: House Democrats are going on offense big time. We need this Blue Wave to be a Big Goddamn Blue Tsunami. Let’s go! More: Politico

Note 10: Hey so what the fuck is wrong with Tom Emmer? Aside from the obvious…

Note 11: You know what has given us hope that we might not actually be too fucking dumb to survive? The near-universal hatred of data centers. We saw Trump on Fox last night talking them up, and we hope he never stops. Idiot. More: Futurism.com

Note 12: Speaking of data centers, check out this story about Justin Pearson and his fight to save Memphis from Elon Leon and the federal government. More: Politico

Note 13: If you’re ever feeling overwhelmed, just remember that we are up against very, very stupid people…

Note 14: It looks like everyone in Texas is coming together behind Talarico. We love it! Don’t let the online bullshit get to you. Same team! More: Texas Tribune

Note 15: Last night in Kansas, Democrats nominated another pastor as our U.S. Senate candidate. It’s not a one-off. Check out this story about how we’re now the party of pastors. Who knew? More: Religion News

Note 16: Trump and Stephen Miller are locking up the spouses and parents of active-duty military. Thank goodness these assholes support the troops because we can’t imagine what it would look like if they didn’t. More: AP

Note 17: Americans are sick and fucking tired of Republican losers blaming Joe Biden for everything. But we love that they keep trying it…

Note 18: Trump Shittin’ Disease is spreading, so be safe out there. And remember that nobody ever crapped themselves to death eating ice cream. Probably. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to share this video we saw on social media last week. This is the energy that gives us hope. This is Real America shit. This is why we’re going to win…

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re John Cornyn. That dude can fuck off and eat shit. Love y’all!

Another Epstein Cover-up

Sen. Ron Wyden dropped a bombshell yesterday, sharing that 60 Minutes did a big piece on Epstein that was then censored by the new leadership at CBS. Former correspondent Sharyn Alfonsi was reportedly working on a story about all the banks that worked with Epstein, but she was pushed out and the piece was apparently killed. CBS is pushing back and pretending like they were still working on the story until they fired Alfronsi. Sure, Jan. We are not at all surprised that CBS is now covering for rich pedophiles. But we sure are fucking bummed about it.

More: People, The Wrap

Despicable to the Max

Alleged abuser Max Miller did a round of television interviews to proclaim his innocence yesterday, and they went very, very badly. So of course Trump and Mike Johnson have decided to stand by Miller, with Trump even saying last night that he feels “badly” for Miller. Trump did not offer any support for Miller’s ex-wife or child or Sen. Bernie Moreno. Today is the last day for Miller to get out of his congressional re-election race, but it seems like the scumbag party is going all-in for him. The Democrat running against him is named Brian Poindexter. And he’s not a piece of shit.

More: The Independent, Politico

Michigan Madness

Man, that fucking primary just did not want to end. So a lot of us went to bed last night not knowing who won in the closely-watched and hardfought Democratic U.S. Senate primary in Michigan. But this morning while we were writing, the AP and CNN called the race in favor of Abdul El-Sayed. Needless to say, the polling that showed Abdul beating Haley Stevens in a landslide did not pan out and this one was a nailbiter. So we are gonna be desperate in begging Michiganders to come together now and unite to defeat Mike Rogers. We’ve already seen Mallory McMorrow endorse Abdul and make plans to attend a unity rally later this week. Hell yeah! Congrats to Abdul and his campaign and congrats to Haley Stevens on going the distance. Now let’s get on the same team again. Please.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

Three people have been charged with allegedly threatening witnesses in the investigation surrounding the death of Mississippi teen Nolan Wells in three different instances. More: NBC News

Rep. Shri Thanedar has lost his Democratic primary in Michigan to state Rep. Donavan McKinney, NBC News projects, in a victory for the party’s progressive wing. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration is reviewing an air-traffic safety incident ‌Tuesday involving a military helicopter carrying President Donald Trump, the agency said. More: NBC News

Police said they responded to the Miami-area home of celebrity blogger and podcaster Perez Hilton, after they received reports that he engaged in self-harm in livestreamed video Tuesday night. More: NBC News

The box **Jeanine Pirro** wheeled out of the White House wasn’t from cleaning out her desk ... it was apparently evidence showing the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool damage was the result of a crappy renovation, and not a vandal. More: TMZ

SPOKANE, Wash. — Fire crews continued to make progress battling three wildfires overnight, strengthening containment lines and mopping up a spot fire, an incident commander said Tuesday. More: NBC News

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) — Virginia voters on Tuesday picked establishment Democrats — a prosecutor and a former congresswoman — as their nominees to take on Republican incumbents in two congressional districts the party hopes to flip in November as part of a broader fight for control of the U.S. House. More: AP

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russian attacks on Kyiv and its surrounding region killed 17 people and wounded dozens, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Wednesday, as Ukraine’s depleted air defenses failed to stop any of Moscow’s incoming missiles overnight. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A federal judge decried efforts to rewrite the history of the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol as he reluctantly dismissed the seditious conspiracy case against members of the far-right Oath Keepers extremist group at the Trump administration’s request. More: AP

Jon Stewart blasted Sen. John Fetterman (D-Pa.) for prioritizing Israel over domestic issues, telling him, “That is not our country.” More: HuffPost