DUI Hire? Meet Hayden “Hennessy” Haynes, Porn-Abstaining Speaker's Right-Hand Boozer

Drunk as a Skunk after SOTU, Mike Johnson’s Top Aide Plays Bumper Cars on Capitol Hill. Yikes.

“A driver backed into a parked vehicle last night around 11:40 p.m.,” Capitol Police stated today, noting their officers “responded and arrested them for DUI.” That driver was one of the most powerful staff members in Washington and the top aide to House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA).

The incident raises many questions for Johnson and his chief of staff, who we are dubbing Hayden “Hennessey” Haynes. Among the most poignant:

Why didn’t he just call an Lyft or Uber?

(from: Rachel Scott, ABC News)

Haynes could afford a Lyft/Uber, unlike Johnson’s interns, paid as little as $75. Haynes could likely expense the ride as a taxpayer-funded designated driver. Haynes could even accept the ride as a gift under House Rule 25, clause 5.

Of all Haynes’ options, he chose to drive drunk. And of all Johnson’s options for chief of staff, he chose the guy who chose to drive drunk, even when rideshares seem to circle every block of the District.

Perhaps Haynes was so excited about Trump’s 16 mentions of Joe Biden during the State of the Union that he threw back (16 ounce) Tallboys in celebration. Perhaps last night’s drinking games were more bipartisan than anticipated.

(photo credit: onmilwaukee.com)

Lest we forget that Johnson is second in line to the presidency and thus Haynes dealt with matters of highest sensitivity in our federal government. From setting the floor agenda to fundraising for House Republicans to taking calls from the White House, the Speaker’s job is busy and the Speaker’s chief of staff often stands in or “greases the wheel.” Johnson’s DUI hire may soon leave his side.

(photo credit: Getty)

There are no reports of any injuries to Capitol Police, which is good for our heroes and for our country, but bad for Haynes. Trump was no doubt much less eager to pardon Haynes once he found out no Capitol Police were harmed.

Addiction is serious stuff, folks, and it impacts good people across the political spectrum. Recovery is possible and you are not alone.

Addiction is serious stuff, folks, and it impacts good people across the political spectrum. Even a fictitious White House Chief of Staff in “West Wing” was a recovering alcoholic. Haynes is hardly the first notable Washington figure to drive when he should not have done so. DUIs are committed by VIPs from both political parties, in Washington and across the country.

We hope Haynes gets the help he needs. We hope Elon lays off the ketamine – for humanity’s sake, not his own. Perhaps most of all we hope Speaker Johnson doesn’t relapse on porn, given how awkward a conversation that would be for his son.

For Johnson, the Haynes distraction could not have come at a worse time. Trump and Musk expect him to push trillions of dollars more in tax breaks for billionaires to the finish line. He also needs to do that pesky business of funding what remains of the government and protecting our full faith and credit of the U.S. government.

Recovery is possible and you are not alone. A 24-hour helpline provides free and confidential help for individuals struggling with addiction. Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357). In a crisis? Call or text 988.

Sadly, Mr. Ketamine himself has already cut 1 in 10 jobs at this agency, called the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.