Marble freaking armrests

It’s Monday. There are 309 days until the midterm elections. A Christmas coverup from Epstein’s best friend, Putin’s punk goes soft again and the president’s pipe-bomber.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But this week it’s half-assing it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you?! It’s your friendly radical leftist scum cussing newsletter, and we have missed y’all like crazy. Almost as much as the Kennedy-Cankles Center misses having paying customers and its dignity.

We have much to discuss today (even as we totally half-ass taint week), but we first want to show some love to a real hero — jazz musician Chuck Redd. Now it might surprise you to know that we are not big jazz fans, and we don’t actually know who Mr. Redd is. Still, he is our hero. Why? Well because he was supposed to do his annual Christmas Eve concert but canceled when a dictator dickhead put his name on the fucking building. Atta boy, Chuck.

The pud-pulling peon that Trump put in charge of the Cankles Center was big embarrassed and big mad and now he wants to sue Mr. Redd for not kissing orange ass the way he does. It’s all very hilarious and humiliating for Trump and the pud-puller, Ricky Grennell. But it got worse.

You must be fucking joking. Over Christmas, while many Americans went without food, gifts and in some cases shelter, our idiot goddamn president was polling the American people about getting marble fucking armrests for the Cankles Center. Does this guy feel our pain or what? If we had a real press corps, they’d still be mocking Ebenezer Splooge for this ridiculous shit.

But we have a solution for all parties. We suggest Ricky and the president shove those armrests right up their miserable asses and let Mr. Redd go about his life in peace. Sound good? Ok cool. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NPR

Note two: We’re serious about half-assing this week. So we figured we’d do newsletters until Wednesday and at least one therapy session. And then we’re going to go back to eating too much and watching movies. Sam just saw The Holiday and loved it.

Note three: Brigitte Bardot died. We were sad about it until we find out what a racist she was. So bye. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump is meeting with Bibi today. If it goes anything like yesterday’s meeting with Zelensky, then we’ll be giving Florida to Israel. More: NBC News

Note five: It’s been true and it remains true that the president of the United States is a compromised Russian asset. He’s also a fucking moron.

Note six: Hey so here’s a question — why the effing fuck was Trump’s DOJ monitoring the travel of Miami Herald Epstein reporter Julie K. Brown?! More: New Republic

Note seven: If you’re dealing with a winter storm, please be safe. Remember to pay some Republican youth to shovel your driveways. Let them have the heart attack. More: Associated Press

Note eight: You’re not gonna believe this, but we still have one more election in 2025. C’mon, Iowa! More: Associated Press

Note nine: Trump spent his Christmas posting on Truth Social and launching missiles at Nigeria. It’s unclear what he was shooting at or what he hit. Seems like it should be bigger news. More: CNN

Note 10: The president also spent Christmas creeping the living shit out of America’s children. If he’d said this from a windowless van, it would have somehow been less creepy.

Note 11: We know that this Supreme Court takes trips and gifts from billionaires. We know this Supreme Court was in league with people who plotted a coup against our country. And yet CBS’s Jan Crawford has the fucking balls to tell us that this court isn’t corrupt. Go fuck yourself, Jan. We hope kissing Clarence’s ass makes you feel like a real journalist. More: Mediaite

Note 12: The New York Times has a big story today about how Marjorie Taylor Greene has seen the light and is now a smart and decent person. We’re not linking to it because we’re not that fucking gullible. More: NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 13: Elon Leon thought he could attack an actual American hero. Elon Leon should stick to sucking. It’s the only thing he’s good at. More: HuffPost

Note 14: The person leading the Civil Rights Office at DOJ spent her Sunday evening attacking Trump influencers as “hoes.” So that’s how things are going over at DOJ. More: Newsweek

Note 15: We were told that the president’s health is the most important story ever. Was Jake Tapper just lying or is he a total bitch?

Note 16: The feds dropped another charge against a Los Angeles TikToker. This is what they do. They harass, they intimidate and they arrest. And then they drop charges because it was all bullshit. More: NBC News

Note 17: That story reminds us that our broken and corrupt Supreme Court actually shocked the shit out of us and ruled against Trump sending troops to Chicago. Even John Roberts can read Trump’s shit poll numbers. More: NPR

Note 18: Karoline Leavitt is pregnant. We were gonna wish her congratulations but that just didn’t seem honest. We’ll know it’s Trump’s kid if it comes out of her ass. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hunter Biden. No, seriously. We know Hunter has some problems, but we freaking love watching him fuck with Tapper. Git his ass, HB!

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are enjoying the least productive week of the year. And don’t forget to not buy tickets to the Cankles Center. It’s gonna suck! Love y’all!

Christmas cover-up
While you were spending the holidays being normal, the president of the United States was having a total meltdown over the legally-required release of the Epstein documents. Yes, a very angry Trump spent the holidays posting on Truth Social about all the files, trying to put the blame for everything on Democrats. Trump got so spooked that he literally had White House aides writing tweets from DOJ. It’s wild to consider how the press would be covering this if it was a Democrat, but it’s Trump so they seem to want to help him cover it all up. But this Christmas news dump won’t work. We’re not gonna let this go, and the survivors won’t either. More: DemocracyNow.org, AOL

Putin’s PAB
Donald Trump had a big meeting with Zelensky in Florida yesterday. So of course Trump had to talk on the phone with Putin beforehand. We’d say this has gotten embarrassing, but we are way past that point. We’ve been doing this fucking song and dance all year. Trump gets tough, Trump gets a phone call from Putin, suddenly Trump ain’t so tough. You don’t have to be an international spy to see what’s going on here. More: NBC News

The president’s pipe-bomber
So the dude who set those pipe bombs on Capitol Hill believed Trump’s election lies. Apparently the guy hates both political parties and wanted to hurt them both. It’s kinda shocking he’s not the next Luigi. But the reality is this man is not well and he believed the president’s lies and was ready to hurt and kill people over them. That’s why it’s really fucking bad for the president to lie and call for violence so much. More: NPR

Today’s clips
Days after his bout against Jake Paul, boxer Anthony Joshua was involved in a car crash in Nigeria on Monday that left at least two people dead. More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump had a pretty good run in 2025 when it came to confirming judges. Republicans control the Senate and rubber-stamped most of his court picks, confirming a total of 25 lifetime federal judges. That’s more than Trump got by this point in his first term (19), though not as many as former President Joe Biden (40). More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump said in an interview with WABC radio in New York that the U.S. had “knocked out” a Venezuelan facility, a move that would be a major escalation in U.S. military strikes to counter alleged drug-trafficking by the South American country. More: NBC News

The American Academy of Pediatrics sued the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services on Wednesday, seeking to block nearly $12 million in cuts to the group. More: NBC News

A federal judge this week canceled the trial of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, the Salvadoran man who was mistakenly deported, and scheduled a hearing on whether the prosecution is being vindictive in pursuing a human smuggling case against him. More: Associated Press