Mar-a-Flip-o

It’s Wednesday. There are 223 days until the midterm elections. Iran laughs at a game-playing moron, Big Tech has a bad day and Mar-a-Lago goes blue.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it can’t fucking wait to march this weekend.

Note: Oh, Sexy Patriots, today was a tough one. Our cup of hilarity runneth over, and we had a damn hard time deciding what to talk about today in this here opening note. On the one hand, the funniest fucking thing ever happened in Florida when Democrat Emily Gregory won the statehouse seat that represents Mar-a-Lago. But on the other hand, Jack Reacher beat the shit out of a MAGA dumbass in real life…

Dear Goddess, thank you for this bounty of awesomeness. LOL. Nice face bruises, champ. And we can see your red hat in the background, loser. Now y’all know we are a billionty percent against violence. But when a MAGA motherfucker has it coming, well, sometimes nature just has to run its course. And when one of those chodes thinks it’s a good idea to stand in front of a ginormous action star riding a motorcycle, nature is probably gonna run its course right through that man’s ass. Like, we knew Trump voters were delusional, but this is next level. Some of these idiots really think a becankled gameshow host gave them superpowers. It’s like people who do acid and think they can fly except way dumber and far less dignified.

We’d like to send love to Alan Ritchson and his family. Because while it was enormously satisfying for us to watch him teach that fella with the red hat a lesson, it sucks he and his kids had to put up with it. Fortunately for them, it looks like it was light work and didn’t take very long. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News

Note two: Anyone need some therapy? Yeah, us too. Badly. How about today at 3 p.m. ET/noon PT? Great! We’ll see you then.

Note three: We always thought Bari Weiss was a no-talent ass-clown who would run CBS into the ground in record time. And we were right. Bari has completely wrecked a once grand network. According to Status News, CBS is down 7 percent while ABC and NBC are both up. Pledging your network’s undying love to an idiot with a 36 percent approval rating ain’t great business sense. More: Status News

Note four: If you don’t know who Ms. Rachel is, then please let us introduce you to the new Mr. Rogers. More: NBC News

Note five: Y’all, forgive us for peeing on our own party, but we are so goddamn sick of this shit and this guy. Name names or shut the fuck up, wimp.

Note six: We almost didn’t want to share this one with you because it’s so depressing. President Dumbshit is watching a two-minute highlight video of the war every morning instead of getting actual briefings. So he likes to watch shit blow up and people die. And they called Joe Biden demented. More: NBC News

Note seven: Well the California gubernatorial race is a certified shitshow, and we’re gonna need our party to get its shit together fast. We can’t have a MAGA governor of California, y’all. More: Cal Matters

Note eight: We can’t think of a more unpopular piece of legislation than the Lindsey Graham Fund War and ICE Reconcilliation Bill, but we fucking love that Republicans want to do this. In fact, we dare them to do it. More: Huff Post

Note nine: It’s wild to us that Savannah Guthrie can talk about her family’s agony the same week Kash Patel is telling everyone about how much he loves his dream job. That poor family deserves a real FBI. We all do. NBC News

Note 10: Abolish ICE. Send them back to middle school.

Note 11: Jack Smith found out that Trump stole classified docs that would help his business. So we have to say for the billionth time — fuck John Roberts. MS NOW

Note 12: If you want to see smart politics, just watch what AOC is doing. Because trying to launch a moratorium on new data centers when communities all across America are rising up to stop them is pretty fucking smart. The Guardian

Note 13: Mission Accomplished, baby. We sure feel better. Don’t you?

Note 14: We know this probably isn’t breaking news, but Vince Vaughn continues to be a massive douchebag. If you’re asking who Vince Vaughn is, well, good for you. We wouldn’t watch his new show with Tiffany Trump’s eyes. Deadline

Note 15: We have no idea what any of this means, and we’d like to keep it that way. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Note 16: How badly has Trump fucked up? Even the virgin holocaust deniers are missing Obama. Yahoo

Note 17: There are few politicians Sam has covered who he hates more than Matt Bevin. And now Matt Bevin is going to the clink. Have fun, asshole. Mediaite

Note 18: Greg Bovino needs to die in prison. And that’s the moderate position. HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Piers Morgan’s show. Yeah, we were surprised too because that dude sucks. But we loved this clip of Jesse Ventura daring Barron Trump to enlist in the military…

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week and not getting your asses whooped by action stars. Love y’all!

Not great
Trump’s lies about Iran are running up against reality. Trump keeps telling the world that Iran is begging to negotiate, but Iran just rejected a ceasefire. It’s also a lie that Trump is negotiating or talking with Iran. The Iranians don’t trust Kushner or Witkoff so they’ve said they’re open to dealing with Couchfucker. The only people believing Trump’s lies at this point are stock traders and White House reporters. The reality is that Trump launched a stupid war with zero clear objectives and zero plan for what came after the bombing and now he’s desperately looking for a way to declare victory and get out. Iran doesn’t seem to want to play that game. CNBC

Burn them all down
The Evil Tech Nerds had a bad day yesterday, so it was a good day for the world. In New Mexico, super creep Mark Zuckerberg saw his company found guilty of being harmful to the mental health of children and hit them with a $375 million penalty. And this was just one state. We’re guessing others will see this and follow suit. But wait it gets better. OpenAI announced it is shutting down the gross deepfake service Sora. That announcement was followed by the news that Disney is getting out of its deal with OpenAI. We want all these companies to die painful deaths, and yesterday felt like a good start. Hollywood Reporter CNBC

Florida flippers
Well this one is just delicious. Donald Trump is now represented in the Florida statehouse by a Democrat named Emily Gregory. Emily beat the guy Trump publicly endorsed and voted for, winning a special election yesterday in the same district that includes Mar-a-Lago and we seriously can’t stop fucking laughing about this. Democrats also flipped a state Senate seat, with Brian Nathan winning in the Tampa area. So yeah, Republicans must be shitting their britches today. Because if we’re winning in these places, then we’re about to win everywhere. Full speed ahead! MSNOW, FOX13

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — The U.S. military is preparing to deploy at least 1,000 troops from the 82nd Airborne Division to the Middle East in the coming days, according to three people with knowledge of the plans. Associated Press

RALEIGH, N.C. (AP) — North Carolina government’s most influential politician, Republican state Senate leader Phil Berger, conceded the primary race for his seat to Sam Page on Tuesday, shaking the power structure in the ninth-largest state and likely soon ending Berger’s preeminence as the state’s top conservative architect. Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Justice Department’s investigation of a $2.5 billion renovation project at the Federal Reserve didn’t find any evidence of a crime, a federal prosecutor privately conceded under questioning by a skeptical judge earlier this month, according to a transcript of the sealed hearing. Associated Press

HONOLULU (AP) — Crews on Tuesday began evaluating damage from a surprise downpour that sent floodwaters raging through a neighborhood near downtown Honolulu — the latest bout in a series of storms and flooding that have pummeled the state over the past two weeks. Associated Press

WASHINGTON — The pastor from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s home church in Tennessee said last week on a podcast that he wants James Talarico to die, referring to the Texas Democratic state representative and Presbyterian seminarian who regularly discusses his Christian faith in his current bid for U.S. Senate. HuffPost

The Justice Department has requested House Intelligence Committee records related to former CIA Director John Brennan, a frequent target of President Donald Trump, according to two sources familiar with the request. More: NBC News