Leon’s shutdown

It’s Thursday. There are 683 days until the midterm elections. Mike Johnson is about to lose his job, bad news out of Georgia and getting ready for a Christmas shutdown.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It helps us cuss out billionaire shitheads.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, Trump ain’t even back in office yet and he’s already fucking things up. It’s almost impressive. If there was a Mount Rushmore of fuck-ups, it would just be Trump’s head stuck up his own ass. In case you haven’t seen it, the billionaire dumbass who nobody elected has been running amok, threatening Republicans in Congress that he will go after them if they pass a bill to keep the government open. But this opening screed isn’t about that stupid shit.

This is about how we’re expanding our mission here from Fuck Trump to Fuck Elump. Yes, apparently the good lord has decided to open her mighty sphincter and once again shit upon us another moron. We don’t know what the hell we did to deserve this, but we’re already missing the days when we were up against one degenerate dumbshit who hates America and Americans. It’s time to start running against the oligarchs, even if most Americans have no idea what that means.

The good news is we’re seeing just how dumbshitty these dumbshits can be. The odds are getting better by the minute that one of these idiots is gonna put his little pecker in an electrical socket. So while it will be four years of chaos and mind-numbing stupidity, it will also be a lot of watching dumb motherfuckers act like dumb motherfuckers. There’s hope in that. Twisted, fleeting hope. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Amazon workers are going on strike. Normally we’d have their backs because Jeff Bezos is evil and pathetic and sucks, but we also remember how the Teamsters didn’t have our backs this year so we’re still kinda raw about that. More: CNN

Note three: After news broke yesterday that the ethics report on Matt Gaetz will be released, Gaetz put out a weird statement admitting he has given money to lots of women. We are not surprised. No way that dude was getting close to a woman without paying her. More: New Republic

Note four: The Fed cut interest rates yesterday, which should be a yay. But they also announced they’re going to slow down rate cuts because Trump’s policies are inflationary. So good job, dumbass. More: CNBC

Note five: We were already AOC fans. But seeing someone in politics who is able to laugh at themselves is like seeing Bigfoot make out with the Loch Ness Monster.

Note six: Trump had dinner with Bezos and President Elon Leon last night and then he went on Truth Social and posted “EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND.” What a gross pathetic world we’re in now. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note seven: That disgusting rapist and his disgusting rapist pals in France were convicted. This was about the most shocking and horrible thing we’ve seen in a while and we live in a country that just elected Trump for a second time. Fellow men of the world — stop being the fucking worst please. More: NPR

Note eight: Biden told our friends at Medias Touch that he will be at the inauguration. It’s not really surprising, but it’s still gonna suck to see. Or it would if we were planning on watching that tragic shit.

Note nine: Speaking of tragic shit we didn’t watch, Kyrsten Sinema gave her farewell speech yesterday. It was probably awful. We don’t know because we decided not to waste another second of our precious lives thinking about that corrupt human garbage. More: AZ Central

Note 10: Ya know, that Pete Hegseth just seems like a total psycho…

Note 11: California has declared a state of emergency over the bird flu. RFK Jr. has announced plans to inject bird flu into his penis. We think we’re making up the second part. More: NPR

Note 12: Mesa County clerk Tina Peters, who is in jail for fucking with elections, had to be moved to a different jail because of security reasons. The other prisoners must be so relieved. More: 9 News

Note 13: Elon Leon thought he could fuck with Maxwell Frost, who is quickly becoming one of our favorite members of Congress. But Frost fucked back.

Note 14: The billionaire butt-kisser owner of the L.A. Times told his editorial staff to “take a break” from writing about Trump. So yeah, that newspaper is dead and gone. Billionaires suck. More: The Guardian

Note 15: Josh Hawley said yesterday that RFK Jr. is “open” to shutting down access to abortion pills. So ya know, exactly what we all warned would happen during the campaign. More: The Hill

Note 16: We never thought we’d say this, but hooray for Paris Hilton. She got her legislation passed, and she did a good thing. Good for her.

Note 17: A judge is warning about how bad it would be to pardon the sonsofbitches who committed seditious conspiracy against our nation. Unfortunately, America just elected one of them. More: AP News

Note 18: Nick Jonas is apparently an Elon Leon fan. So fuck Nick Jonas. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to show you the trailer for the new Superman movie coming out this summer. Why? Because apparently Superman has a dog now and we think that is fucking adorable.

Note 20: And on that super note, let’s go do some news! Things are gonna get weird and scary and so so dumb, folks. Thank goodness we have a newsletter that will cuss about all that shit. Love y’all!

Bye, Mike!

Mike Johnson almost made it out of this Congress with his job intact. But now that Trump, Vance and Elon Leon have stabbed him in the back by derailing a deal to keep the government open, Republicans are calling for Johnson’s job. And just remember — the majority in the next Congress is even smaller than it is right now. Josh Hawley said it’s time for a new Speaker and Rand Paul is pushing Elon Leon for the job since there’s no rule that says the Speaker has to be a member of Congress. It’s funny to remember that Mike didn’t even serve a full term. He only got in after Kevin McCarthy, who needed 15 rounds of voting to win, was pushed out. So yeah, House Republicans should be fun to watch for the next two years.

More: Axios

The devil went down to Georgia

And won. A court in Georgia has ruled that Fani Willis and her team are disqualified from prosecuting Trump for election interference because of conflicts of interest. Surprisingly, the court let the indictments against Trump stand but we don’t want to get your hopes up again. The truth is Trump got away with an attempted coup, and it fucking sucks.

More: CNN

Leon’s shutdown

Elon Leon is calling for the federal government to be shut down starting Friday and staying that way until Trump is sworn in on Jan. 20. It’s hard to describe how dumb that is. Republicans had a deal with Democrats to keep the government from shutting down Friday, but Leon and Vivek had other ideas and now Trump and Vance are calling for adding the debt ceiling into negotiations. Trump wants the debt ceiling gone altogether. It’s a mess and a sign of what’s to come when you have an idiot president and an idiot shadow president who has no idea how the U.S. government works. But for now, get ready to see just how fucked up things can get if Republicans shut down the federal government over the holidays.

More: AP News

Today’s clips

ABC’s “Good Morning America” host George Stephanopoulos has agreed to a new contract, an ABC News spokesperson confirmed to HuffPost on Thursday. The deal became public amid an uproar over the network’s settlement of Donald Trump’s defamation lawsuit. More: HuffPost

Russian President Vladimir Putin put a positive spin on a spate of recent setbacks Thursday, insisting in a marathon news conference that Russia had accomplished its mission in Syria and was winning the war in Ukraine. More: CNN

Luigi Mangione, the suspect indicted in the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, waived his right to an extradition hearing and is expected to be flown back to New York as early as Thursday to face multiple charges. More: NBC