Later, Lindsey

It’s Monday. There are 113 days until the midterm elections. A Democratic congressman gets detained in Israel, Mitch claims to be alive and Trump goes after the New York Times.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it speaks ill of the dead.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, Lindsey Graham died. We’re sure you know that by now. And you’ve probably seen his former Senate colleagues mourning him and issuing statements about how funny he was. Even the Democrats we vote for and give money to are sending flowers and statements. If you’ll forgive us, we’re gonna take a different approach. Because that guy sucked and he can go fuck himself in hell…

LOLOL!!! You really have to appreciate Trump reminding everyone that Lindsey’s one brief moment of actual patriotism and decency was just a blip and he went right back to sucking butt 40 minutes later. Lindsey was an ass-kissing weasel who pushed through Kavanaugh, tried to overthrow an election and got horny over sending young Americans to die in war. The Senate might miss him, but we sure as fuck won’t. Are we being too harsh? Let’s find out. Here’s an interview with Sen. Lindsey Graham…

Us: Sen. Graham?
Lindsey Graham: HELP! HELP! I’M STUCK IN THIS BOX! GET ME OUT! HELP!
Us: (Running away)

Well that didn’t go how we thought it would. You didn’t hear nothing, ok? And neither did Lindsey when his constituents begged him to not be awful. Which is why we say fuck off and sayonara. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: RIP to someone whose death we are actually sad about. We’re going to miss Sam Neil. And we’ll probably watch Jurassic Park tonight. More: People

Note three: Nancy Mace wants to replace Lindsey. She’s actually perfect for the job. But only the way he did it. More: HuffPost

Note four: We thought Michael Fanone’s tribute was the most elegant… More: Substack

Note five: By the way — Lorenzo Araujo and Nolan Wells are both dead too, and we care way more about getting answers in those cases than we do Linsdey Graham’s loser ass.

Note six: Trump claimed over the weekend that he just finished another physical and cognitive exam. Nobody seems to know or care what the fuck he’s talking about. More: Yahoo News

Note seven: In fact, here’s Jake Tapper, ignoring Trump’s health as he auditions to be the next Lindsey Graham. Can someone send Jake some self-respect? Or at least a hanky so he can wipe his mouth?

Note eight: Goddamnit. While we were writing, we saw reports of another ICE shooting. This one was in Maine and Susan Collins won’t give a shit. More: News Center Maine

Note nine: If you want to know why we’re rooting for France in the World Cup, just read what Harry Kane did. More: HuffPost

Note 10: President Crazy Idiot announced to the world this weekend that he has a plan to destroy Iran if they assassinate him. So we’re now in Game of Thrones territory. More: AP

Note 11: And hey just FYI — the strait ain’t open and dumbfuck has no plans to get it open…

Note 12: Man, 10,000 people died from that European heatwave. Our planet is cooking us alive, and nobody seems to really care all that much. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We stay out of primaries, so we are just passing along that Gary Peters has endorsed Haley Stevens in the Michigan Senate primary. The establishment seems very worried about Al-Sayed, which is probably a good thing for him. More: AP

Note 14: Rapist Conor McGregor embarrassed himself in his return to the ring this weekend. Good. Fuck that dude. More: HuffPost

Note 15: When will people learn that there is nothing good to come from trying to be nice to this administration?

Note 16: You might remember on Friday we were worried and pissed off that Graham Platner was waiting until the last minute to get out of the race. Well, he actually got out later that day. Phew. Now let’s nominate someone who can win! More: AP

Note 17: It’s pretty fucked up to realize that Stephen Miller might not be the worst person in his own house. Thank you to Ally for calling out this craven shit. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We hate to tell you this, but the Reflecting Pool ain’t doing so great. At this rate, we might never be great again. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are still celebrating Sam Neil. We were gonna spike the football on Lindsey Graham’s cold dead body again, but we saw this video and thought it was a nicer way to go out today… More: Threads

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend. And remember — every man dies, but not every man truly sucks. Love y’all!

Ro-ly Shit!

Ro Khanna spent the morning being attacked on Fox News after he spent the weekend being detained by Israeli settlers and IDF soldiers in the West Bank. This is pretty fucked up, y’all. We sure as hell appreciate Ro going to find out what’s going on there and where our tax dollars are being spent. The idea that he would be detained by armed settlers if fucking infuriating. We are never sure where we stand on Ro, but after his efforts on the Epstein stuff, he has earned the benefit of the doubt. But also, does the Israeli government just not want any Democrats to ever have their backs again?

More: The Hill

Weekend at Mitch’s

Mitch McConnell is alive and well. Well, he’s alive. Or so we’re being told. Yesterday, just hours after Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear went on television and asked for proof of life, a photograph of a smiling and smoothed out McConnell and his fleeing wife showed up. They even conveniently had a copy of that day’s newspaper in the picture. He then proceeded to say nothing on video or even put out a statement about Lindsey Graham. So yeah, we have no idea if he’s alive or not.

More: bsky.app

The Correspondents Dinner is Gonna Be Lit!

On Friday, Trump summoned Kash Patel to the White House. Almost immediately afterwards, New York Times reporters were subpoenaed. The administration is furious that these reporters got details about Trump flying around in a giant bribery security risk and published them. So they’re going to try to jail these reporters unless they reveal their sources. We have our beef with the NYT, but we seriously doubt they will fold on this unlike their network brethren. But maybe it’s a really fucking stupid idea to have a dinner for this fucking asshole that celebrates the First Amendment.

More: AP

Today’s clips

When the U.S. Senate considers Todd Blanche’s nomination for attorney general this week, all eyes will be on one Republican senator in particular: Thom Tillis. More: Yahoo News

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — Minnesotans are known for their niceness, but pleasantries are rare in the state’s Democratic U.S. Senate primary.

The two leading candidates, U.S. Rep. Angie Craig and Lt. Gov. Peggy Flanagan, have clashed over electability, their ties to corporate interests and willingness to fight Republican President Donald Trump’s administration in Washington. Millions of dollars in political ads have blanketed televisions and phone screens for a race that has become emblematic of Democrats’ deeper divides. More: AP

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — With the death of Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham, Ukraine lost a close ally in President Donald Trump’s orbit, leaving its leaders grappling with the implications for their war-torn country. More: AP

A Democratic senator on Saturday alleged that whistleblowers have detailed several problems stemming from rushed or improper reconstruction of the Kennedy Center, adding a new layer to the travails of the arts complex as President Donald Trump tried to seize control of it and its name. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A federal judge has dismissed the remnants of the government’s landmark case against far-right Proud Boys members who were convicted of seditious conspiracy for plotting to attack the Capitol to keep President Donald Trump in the White House more than five years ago. More: AP

Mick Jagger wants to keep his concerts only rock and roll, how he likes it.

Talking about the role politics plays in his music in an interview with the New York Times released on Saturday, The Rolling Stones frontman said he likes to keep any social commentary in his songs to “small doses” and never wants to make those messages a part of live performances. More: HuffPost