Lame, Duck-killer

It’s Monday. There are 134 days until the midterm elections. The U.K. needs a new PM, JD surrenders to Iran and a word about Chicago.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never threatened to lock up Jon Karl.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, Donald Trump has killed again. And not just the negotiations with Iran (but he also killed those because he couldn’t keep his goddamn mouth shut). No, we’re talking about the poor ducks that chill out at the Reflecting Pool. We’re not gonna show you the profoundly upsetting photo of the poor fine-feathered friend who Trump murdered, but we are gonna show you this video of people getting into trouble for showing up to make fun of President’s Dumbfuck latest humiliation…

Think that’s the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever seen? Well just wait until you hear Jeanine Pirro talking tough and threatening prosecutions. Actually, we’re not gonna show that dumb shit either. No, we’re gonna talk to the real victims here. So please welcome to the newsletter for an exclusive interview, The Reflecting Pool…

Us: Hey Reflecting Pool!
The Reflecting Pool: Hey guys. Love the newsletter. And you can call me Howard.
Us: Ok, Howard the Reflecting Pool. So are you mad at Trump for fucking you up?
Howard: Mad doesn’t cover it. That dumbsonofabitch has completely broken me.
Us: We know how you feel.
Howard: You have no fucking idea how I feel. I’m blue! And green! And ducks are dying in me! And people are getting arrested for touching me! And we all know I’m like a month away from getting paved the fuck over!
Us: Jesus, Howard. We had no idea. We’re sorry, man.
Howard: It’s ok, guys. I know you didn’t mean it. And it could be worse. I could be the South Lawn. That poor fucker is finished.

Ugh. Howard is a downer. But we get it. We would be too. Y’all have a blessed day. And if you pray, pray for the ducks. And try not to get arrested taking souvenirs of the president’s incompetence. More: HuffPost

Note two: Thank y’all so much for letting us take Friday off. We needed it. But to make up for it, we’re going to do two therapy sessions this week on Tuesday and Thursday. We’ll get you some specific times tomorrow.

Note three: We had assumed that Cuba would be dumbshit’s next war, but apparently we shouldn’t rule out Italy. Sigh. More: HuffPost

Note four: Alan Greenspan died. And we have nothing clever to say about it. He was 100, but the Fed might cut it to 99 depending on the next inflation report. See? Nothing clever. More: NBC News

Note five: Americans REALLY don’t like Trump’s stupid war. Even CBS says so. And they’re Republican trash.

Note six: HUGE congrats to the U.S. men’s soccer team on winning against Australia Friday and advancing to the group stage. All those years of watching the women play have finally taught the men how to win. Thank goodness for birthright citizenship. More: USA Today

Note seven: Speaking of birthright citizenship, SCOTUS has a bunch of decisions to announce so just brace yourself for them to do some terrible shit this week. More: NPR

Note eight: Who the fuck told Scott Bessent that he is tough? Because apparently he’s been trash-talking President Zelensky. And Zelensky shits bigger than Bessent. More: The Guardian

Note nine: So Trump and Melania live in separate bedrooms. We’re not surprised by that. But we also learned that Trump lies in bed eating like shit and watching television and White House staff have to clean up all the trash and wrappers and yeah that’s the most accurate Trump description we’ve heard yet. What a fucking slob. More: DailyMail

Note 10: When you watch couchfuck’s stand-up act, you realize why the Iranians are winning…

Note 11: Bill Maher has never had a problem with a presidential library before. He does now. Sure is hard to figure out what’s different about this one. What sad, bitter, tiny-peckered little man. Fuck off, Bill. More: NY Post

Note 12: The president of the United States is so addled that he once again accidentally posted what was supposed to be a DM. This time it was a picture of a woman. So everyone is trying to figure out what horrifying creepy shit this is about. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The NBA draft is tomorrow. If we get picked, we won’t be in on Wednesday.

Note 14: Los Angeles had a tough weekend as a chemical fire continued to burn. Thank you to the first responders for fighting this blaze and to Mayor Karen Bass for staying on it. And fuck you to the trolls who have decided to blame every bad thing that happens in L.A. on our Black mayor. Get a fucking life. More: HuffPost, AP

Note 15: We’ve got some big primaries tomorrow, especially in New York. You know how we stay out of primaries? Well, we’re sticking to that with one exception — if Jack Schlossberg wants to kiss up to Politico by defending Trump’s gross cage fight, then he can do it outside of Congress. More: AP

Note 16: Trump was too busy taking a bribe from Qatar to acknowledge Juneteenth. Well, too busy and too racist. More: HuffPost

Note 17: He really did accept that jet from Qatar and force us to pay for its upgrades. We know we keep saying this, but can you imagine the outrage and coverage if Obama had done this? More: NBC News

Note 18: Maryland Democrat Bill Ferguson refused to listen to his party and move ahead with redistricting efforts. Now he has a primary challenger. See how that works? Listen to your voters and fight or hit the fucking bricks. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to sweet home Chicago. There were so many clips we could have chosen from the opening of the Obama presidential library (be sure to look up the Eddie Vedder performance), but we ultimately decided we needed to go with FLOTUS…

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend and didn’t get arrested for making fun of Trump’s latest fuck-up. Hang in there, ducks! Love y’all!

Keir Today; Gone Tomorrow

British Prime Minister Keir Starmer is stepping down, meaning the U.K. will need yet another prime minister. Drummers for Spinal Tap have more career stability. It’s impossible to ignore the interference of Trump and Elon in England’s domestic politics, but it’s also impossible to ignore that chickenshit centrism does not help progressives. You simply can’t reason with the anti-immigrant, anti-trans crowd because they are filled with hate and stupid. Good luck to our British friends. We hope you pick someone who doesn’t suck.

More: AP

Yay?

If you think you had a bad weekend, just remember it could be worse and you could be one of the Iranians who had to hang out with JD Vance all weekend. Yeah, JD flew to Switzerland for talks to end Trump’s stupid war. He thinks they’re going great, but the Strait of Hormuz still seems closed-ish. The talks got off to a rough start when Trump once again threatened to annihilate an entire nation, something our press treats as no big deal. We assume JD and Trump are going to get royally pantsed on this thing, but we’ll definitely take that over more war.

More: CNBC

Our Kind of Town

We just wanted to take a second to congratulate the Obamas on the opening of their presidential library. The event looked amazing, and the clips we saw of the speeches gave us goosebumps. Because it’s the Obamas, they have to put up with a lot of lies and bullshit from people like Lara Trump, the talentless nepo-trash pretending to be a journalist. But we are excited to see the building open, and we are even more excited for everyone who is going to visit. It will be a good reminder that this country has a non-sucky side too.

More: ABC News

Today’s clips

The basic training facility for the Air Force in San Antonio, Texas, is experiencing a flu outbreak following the end of mandatory vaccination for all service members.

As of Wednesday, there are at least 159 known cases among recruits and two hospitalizations among recruits at Lackland Air Force Base at Joint Base San Antonio, two sources familiar with the matter told ABC News. One source told ABC News the number of cases and hospitalizations may be higher.

The outbreak comes after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced in April that the annual flu vaccine would be optional for all U.S. military personnel, both active and reserve. More: ABC News

BOGOTÁ, Colombia — A polarized Colombia gave conservative political outsider Abelardo de la Espriella a razor-thin lead in a runoff election that will be challenged in the coming days by the ruling party’s progressive candidate. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump is now throwing his support behind both of the remaining Republicans in the South Carolina governor’s race as he seeks to avoid the possibility of another primary setback this month. More: NBC News

Extreme heat and dry, windy conditions fueled several wildfires in the West on Sunday, including an uncontained blaze in Utah that forced the evacuation of a small town southwest of Salt Lake City. More: AP

DALLAS (AP) — As people gathered across the U.S. to celebrate Juneteenth on Friday, former President Barack Obama and former first lady Michelle Obama welcomed the first visitors to his presidential center. More: AP