Kiss it, Karoline

Happy Friday. There are 382 days until the midterm elections. A hot night in NYC, ICE goes after Americans and Karoline Leavitt can kiss our asses.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s why we can say NO FUCKING KINGS.

Note: It happened, Sexy Patriots. They just pushed us too far. So we give up. We will support the orange idiot and put on the red goddamn hat. We’re ready to be a fucking Fetterman at this point. We know what you’re thinking — Guys, you’re so damn sexy and you better fucking be joking. Well thank you. And we are. But we swear we will do all of these things if Trump will just GET THIS CREEPY FUCKING WEIRDO TO STOP TALKING ABOUT BOYS’ SPERM COUNTS!!!

SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE!!! Like can other people not see this weird shit?! There’s a lunatic with a dead worm in his brain who keeps talking about boys’ sperm counts and everyone is acting like it’s totally normal. BUT IT AIN’T NORMAL AT ALL!!! Like someday someone is going to go in that crazy fuck’s house and they’re gonna find mason jars full of sperm and realize that he was doing his own research in the most fucked up ways imaginable and he’s going to say oh yeah it’s great you just drink a little in your coffee and it gives you a shiny coat. And yet, nobody ever stands up and yells GET THE FREAK!!!

Anyway, don’t worry. We promise we would never vote orange or put on the red hat. But this sick asshole has grossed us out so much we’re damn near that desperate. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Real President Zelensky is meeting with Trump today. Trump has been changing his tone on Russia a lot lately, but he spoke to Putin yesterday so we expect him to be an asshole today. Though to be fair, he’s an asshole every day. More: BBC

Note three: Hey we want to say we’re sorry that we couldn’t make a therapy session happen this week. We’ve been juggling a shitload of personal stuff this week and just couldn’t find the time. And it’s too bad because we really needed it. Sam has started talking to his stuffed animals.

Note four: John Bolton is headed to court today after being indicted yesterday. This is obvious bullshit, but we will never forget that Bolton could have testified against Trump during his first impeachment and instead decided to write a book and go on CNN. We really fucking hate Trump for making us defend assholes like this. More: NBC News

Note five: Who’s ready to hit the streets?! We ain’t even started yet and this dumb motherfucker is already rattled.​​

Note six: The head of the U.S. Southern Command is retiring early. You know we live in a great country when something like this happens and we’re all trying to figure out if the guy was fired for being Black or if he just quit because he didn’t want to be an accomplice to murder. More: CNN

Note seven: Mike Little Johnson really seems to be losing his shit. Thank you to Adelita Grijalva for fighting so hard for her constituents and for exposing this little creep as the piece of shit he is. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Wow. Bears have killed seven people in Japan this year. This has nothing to do with politics, but it’s a good reminder that other countries have problems too. More: NBC News

Note nine: Marjorie Taylor Greene is doing some kind of reverse Kanye that has us confused and freaked out. More: Axios

Note 10: Here’s Chris Murphy dropping some truth. We can’t believe we’re saying this, but we are damn proud of how Democrats are handling this shutdown. HOLD THE LINE!

Note 11: This AP story is hilarious. They try to pretend like the Gaza ceasefire resulted in a bump for Trump’s approval numbers and then they’re like oh by the way he’s still at 37 percent. Ok so hilarious is the wrong word. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Marc Benioff is a back-stabbing scumbag, and we’re glad that there’s at least one billionaire willing to tell him to fuck off. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We think Ed Markey is a great senator, so don’t take this as an endorsement of Seth Moulton, who just announced a primary challenge. But it’s pretty eye-opening to see a candidate like Seth announcing right away that he is giving back all his AIPAC money. Feels like a big shift is happening. More: The Hill

Note 14: We’d like to give a shoutout to MIT, Brown, Penn and USC for all telling Trump to take his “compact” and shove it up his big orange ass. More: NBC News

Note 15: This note was originally a clip of JB Pritzker and some praise for his messaging. But then we saw this fucked up shit and we’d like to know if these assholes report to the guv or not.

Note 16: Want to hear some really, really funny shit? Jeanine Pirro tried to put a woman in DC away for assaulting a police officer and failed. Badly. Pirro tried three times to get a grand jury to indict the woman on felony charges and they wouldn’t. And then a jury wouldn’t even convict on a misdemeanor. LOLOL! Thank goodness we still have juries in this country. More: HuffPost

Note 17: S&P Global says that Trump’s dumbshit tariffs are costing companies $1.2 TRILLION this year and we get to pay the extra costs. Are we fucking great again or what? More: CNBC

Note 18: LOLOL!!! Lara Trump is offering to sing at a MAGA halftime show. We just became even bigger Bad Bunny fans. After all, he doesn’t make us want to cut off our own goddamn ears with a rusty butter knife. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we thought we’d take a second to make fun of the losers who drive Elon Leon’s fugly cybertruck. Wired has a brilliant story that had us laughing our asses off. This quote alone — “I was married, but I’m not married anymore. Women don’t like the vehicle” — had us fucking howling. More: Wired

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! It’s a big weekend, Sexy Patriots, and we are so damn grateful to y’all for being in this fight. There’s nobody we’d rather stand next to than y’all. Let’s be safe and smart this weekend, but let’s show King Fuckhead that we’re Americans and we’re not taking his shit lying down. Love y’all!

Debate night in Gotham
We don’t know how your night went, but we know it was better than Andrew Cuomo’s. In the first and only NYC mayoral debate, Cuomo got roughed up pretty good by both Zohran Mamdani and Curtis Sliwa. Hell, Sliwa is even calling on Cuomo to drop out. All the mo is behind Zo, and it sure looks like he’s going to win this thing big. Even a Fox News poll shows him over 50 percent, which is pretty dang impressive in a three-way race. It is our belief that Democratic leaders who have fucked around and refused to get behind this guy are going to soon wish they had. And we’re just really excited to watch Cuomo lose another election. More: The Guardian

Thanks, Kavanaugh
We’ve known for a long time now that ICE isn’t going after criminals. They’re going after anyone with brown skin. ProPublica found at least 170 instances of U.S. citizens being detained or assaulted by ICE officers, and some of the stories are fucking shocking. This is an important story, and we are damn grateful to ProPublica for taking it on. More: ProPublica

Fuck off, KKKaroline
Hillary’s comment about a basket of deplorables was a decade ago, and the goddamn deplorables are still whining about it. But apparently it’s just fine for the fucking White House press secretary, whose salary we pay, to smear and insult millions of Americans as “Hamas terrorists, illegal aliens and violent criminals.” Can you imagine the howling outrage from the press if a Democratic press secretary talked about conservatives like this?! So then why the fuck isn’t it a major fucking scandal when a Republican does it? We’re so sick of this shit. Let’s hit the streets.

Today’s clips
And so it has been for the power brokers in Washington during a government shutdown that appears to have no end in sight. While thousands of federal workers are furloughed — or fired — and trying to stay afloat without paychecks, the ones responsible for the shutdown are literally, and figuratively, eating cake. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump’s bailout of Argentina is not going over well with some members of his party, including conservatives and MAGA-type Republicans. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump admitted that a 157% tariff on all Chinese goods was “not sustainable” before curiously adding, “but that’s where the number is.” More: Mediaite

Ace Frehley, the original lead guitarist and founding member of the glam rock band Kiss, who captivated audiences with his elaborate galactic makeup and smoking guitar, died Thursday. He was 74. More: Associated Press

As Republicans across the country pursue new congressional maps to boost their party ahead of next year’s midterm elections, Democrats are ramping up pressure on states where they can respond. More: NBC News