Killing people and the economy

Happy Friday. There are 298 days until the midterm elections. House Republicans turn to jelly, the Trump economy sucks and the White House covers up a murder.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t steal other people’s Nobel Peace prize like a total loser.

Note: Well goddamn, Sexy Patriots. That was the week from hell, and we’re really fucking glad it’s over. But the pain and rage remain, and it ain’t going anywhere. The good news — that we still have trouble wrapping our heads around — is that the Pope sure seems to be on the side of good and even the Catholic Church is calling out Jacksoffto Davenports (JD) Vance for lying to Americans about Renee Nicole Good’s murder…

Whoa. We figured all that couch-diddling was already gonna guarantee Jubilee Dungbreath (JD) a one-way ticket to hell, but it’s nice to see his other sins will get him there too. Now we’re all sitting here waiting to laugh our asses off when old sofa-suck gets excommunicated. We know the Pope is a fair and patient man, but we’re calling in a favor…

Us: Hey God!

God: Hey boys! Newsletter is looking good. What are you knuckleheads up to?

Us: Well we’re pretty fucking pissed off about Renee Good being murdered this week.

God: Yeah, me too. It’s pretty fucked up how I always let bad things happen to good people. I work in mysterious ways and all that shit.

Us: Um yeah. So do you think the Pope should kick JD Vance out of the church?

God: Oh hell yes. I don’t even care that he fucks couches. We don’t kink-shame up here. But murdering a woman and then lying about it is beyond the pale. And honestly the couch thing is really icky.

Us: Cool! Ok well we’ll let you go. If you could step in and do something about all this fucking evil, that would be great.

God: Sorry, boys… going through a tunnel…losing you…

Well let’s hope she is able to get that message to the Pope. Because it would be pretty goddamn hilarious to see couch-canoodles get kicked out of his church for being a lying, murderous butt. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We were really feeling it yesterday, so we did our longest therapy session ever. If you missed it, you can catch up here…

Note three: A rare spot of good news from Capitol Hill as Senate Republicans actually allowed the Jan. 6 plaque to be hung just five years after they excused an attack on their workplace. Real profiles in fucking courage here. More: AP News

Note four: In some of the most unsettling words a president has ever spoken, Trump told the New York Times that the only thing that can stop him is his “own morality.” Well fuck. More: The Guardian

Note five: This loser is seriously gonna accept someone else’s prize. America, this is fucking embarrassing.

Note six: Customs and Border Patrol shot two more people yesterday. This time in Portland. Democrats, call to shut this shit down or don’t ask us for a damn nickel. More: HuffPost

Note seven: It sure is weird how despite the backlash, Elon Leon keeps Grok producing sexual images of children. It’s almost like he’s a creepy evil scumbag who hurts lots and lots of people. More: NBC News

Note eight: There have been HUGE protests in Iran. Sure feels like a dam is about to break there. We can’t wait to see how Trump makes everything worse. More: AP News

Note nine: Please remember to close your Hilton Honors accounts and tell corporate that you’re canceling because they suck ICE dick. More: Mediaite

Note 10: We watched this video probably a hundred times yesterday. This rage is our rage. We feel it in our bones. Watch the way she backs the cowards up.

Note 11: Jonathan Ross is the man who murdered Renee Nicole Good. He flew a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag outside his house. Guess his bitch murderous ass is fine treading on other people. More: Daily Mail

Note 12: How awful is Laura Ingraham? She went to Minneapolis to mock the pain of a hurting community. Fortunately, that hurting community told her to fuck off. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Someone should tell this bitch what country this is. We’re Americans. We cause good trouble, and we ain’t stopping.

Note 14: Today the New York Post has decided to smear Renee Nicole Brown on its front page as “Warrior of the Left.” We have occasionally linked to the Post in the past. We apologize, and it will not happen again. We hope everyone who works there falls off a fucking cliff. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 15: Congrats to Hakeem Jeffries and House Democrats on passing Obamacare subsidies. This was a great win and a huge embarrassment for Mike Little Johnson. Unfortunately, the Senate has already left for a long weekend. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Unfortunately, Senate Democrats continued to be a fucking joke yesterday. Sen. Amy Klobuchar, whose constituent was murdered in cold blood and then smeared, voted to confirm a judge who refused to say who won in 2020. If Amy can’t stand up for her people after they’ve been murdered, then why the fuck would we ever lift a finger to help her? We are done with this trash. Fight for us or fuck off. More: KTBS

Note 17: On the flipside, this is what it looks like when you’ve busted your ass and put up a win for the people you work for. Thank you, Rep. Underwood!

Note 18: Just a reminder that Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend, Donald Trump, is currently breaking a law that requires him to turn over all the Epstein files. Remember when the president covering for pedophiles would have been big news? More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the NBA. Last night, the Minnesota Timberwolves held a moment of silence for Renee Good. Thank you to this NBA team for being more decent than the goddamn White House…

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all are able to catch your breath this weekend. Unless you’re the vice president. Then we hope you shit in your own mouth. Love y’all!

Wimps

House Republicans and Democrats recently joined together to pass two bills unanimously because they were totally non-controversial and did things like help people get clean drinking water. But Trump, looking to punish Americans who don’t kiss his ass, vetoed those bills. So surely bills that passed unanimously would easily have two-thirds support to override a veto, right? Right? Nope. Because House Republicans are groveling pussies who are scared of their own shadows. So yeah, they sustained Trump’s vetoes and told their own constituents to eat shit. November can’t get here soon enough.

More: NOTUS

The golden (showers) era

Welp the Trump economy sure sucks! Yeah, not only is fuckhead destroying democracy and the post-WWII world order, but he also totally wrecked the economy. Again. Today’s jobs report is out (dumbfuck leaked the numbers last night) and the economy only added 50,000 jobs last month, well below expectations. The country only added 584,000 jobs all last year. (Remember that Joe Biden added 16 million in four years.) The revisions from previous months were awful too. Manufacturing jobs are just gone. So yeah, exactly what we all said would happen is happening. Thank goodness America elected a businessman.

More: NBC

The cover-up

After murdering an American woman, the U.S. federal government is refusing to let state officials be a part of the investigation the corrupt FBI is doing. That’s probably because their plan is to lie about what happened. Yesterday, in one of the most disgraceful performances we’ve ever seen, JD Vance went to the White House briefing room and repeatedly smeared this poor woman and made excuses for killing her. This is a clear cover-up. And frankly, Minnesota officials should be ashamed for immediately turning this over to an FBI they damn well knew is corrupt. The murderer should have been immediately arrested by local authorities. Instead they let him walk.

More: NPR, NBC

Today’s clips

Israeli strikes across Gaza have killed at least 13 people, according to health officials, as U.S. President Donald Trump was expected to announce his Board of Peace to oversee the fragile ceasefire. More: AP News

The top representatives to the U.S. from Denmark and Greenland met with White House officials Thursday, according to a source familiar with the discussions, to seek a better understanding of U.S. policy on the semiautonomous island. More: NBC

The Senate advanced a resolution Thursday that would limit President Donald Trump’s ability to conduct further attacks against Venezuela, sounding a note of disapproval for his expanding ambitions in the Western Hemisphere. More: AP News

Jesse “The Body” Ventura trashed President Donald Trump as a “draft-dodging coward” and threatened a potential return to the Minnesota governor’s office following the shooting of a 37-year-old mother by an ICE agent in Minneapolis. More: Mediaite

The White House said Thursday that it was not feasible to save the East Wing because of structural issues, past decay and other major concerns as officials shared details of President Donald Trump’s planned ballroom at a public meeting of the commission charged with approving it. More: HuffPost

We’ll take “Anti-MAGA Celebrities” for $200, Ken. On Wednesday, Ken Jennings got pretty spicy — at least by “Jeopardy!” standards — when he published a post on Bluesky that very clearly expressed his feelings about President Donald Trump’s “regime.” More: HuffPost