Killer Klowns

It’s Monday. There are 337 days until the midterm elections. Trump gets a soldier killed, Tennessee is ready for its close-up and Passed Out Pete is a war criminal.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it’s not hiding its MRI results.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed y’all so damn much! We hope you ate tons of turkey, hugged your good relatives, pissed off the bad ones and just generally enjoyed your holiday. We know we sure did. Except for the part where our dumbfuck president got some National Guard soldiers killed and then spent the rest of the holiday being a racist war criminal shithead. We’re starting to think this asshole doesn’t have any redeeming qualities at all.

But then we remember what a smoking hottie he is…

Dayum! They should have told us we were having Stud Muffins for breakfast! Someone set off the smoke alarm! Is he a parking ticket? Because he’s got fine written all over him. Seriously, when did President Hottie come to town? You can see why so many “straight” Republican dudes are ready to throw it all away for this specimen of beefcake.

Kidding aside, we’ve known for a while that this stanky motherfucker is rotting on the inside, but it’s really something to watch the outside catch up. So every time he pisses you off this week, just remember that he’s a decomposing buttcheek who will someday disappear like dog diarrhea in the rain. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you’re like us, you foolishly believed that election season ended when we kicked all that ass last month. Nope. The folks at Bolts Mag have you covered on who is voting and where. More: BoltsMag

Note three: We bet that you’re having a better morning than Alina Habba. But we bet you’re also more qualified to be a U.S. Attorney. More: HuffPost

Note four: We’re actually not kidding about that MRI thing. Sam has a torn MCL. So if he seems extra dickish, it’s because he can’t surf. Thanks to everyone who sent kind notes.

Note five: Alas, the president of the United States doesn’t know which part of his gross body got the MRI. Someone tell Jake Tapper’s bitch ass.

Note six: We can’t believe this out-of-touch sonofabitch is still talking about his goddamn ballroom. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Luigi is going back to court. We don’t condone what he allegedly did, but we really hoped it would make rich assholes a little more afraid. And it didn’t. More: NBC News

Note eight: Trump is going to start a war because he claims to hate drugs, but he just pardoned another drug dealer. The hypocrisy is so stanky that even the press are noticing it. More: Mediaite

Note nine: The president of the United States is proudly using the r-word to attack Tim Walz. Remember when Trump made fun of a reporter’s physical disabilities and all his supporters insisted that’s not what he was doing? Yeah, he’s a fucking asshole. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Thank you to Sen. Mark Kelly for saying this plainly.

Note 11: Oklahoma is not OK. It’s like that state wants to be dumb. More: OUDaily

Note 12: The good news is that Trump bootlick Troy Nehls is retiring from Congress. The bad news is that he has an idiot twin brother who wants to replace him. This country really needs to stop mass-producing shitheads. More: HuffPost

Note 13: An Indiana Republican is so mad about Trump’s r-word slur that he’s vowing to vote no on redistricting. We applaud this, but we still think the Indiana GOP will fold. More: NBC News

Note 14: The freakish morons at the FDA are now claiming covid vaccines killed 10 kids. RFK Jr. thinks those are amateur numbers. More: NBC news

Note 15: Big congrats to Sen. Cory Booker. We assume he delivered some beautiful vows and then immediately cheated with Charles Kushner. Sorry! We couldn’t help ourselves. We really do wish this happy couple a beautiful life together.

Note 16: Josh Brolin is a Trump supporter. So fuck Josh Brolin. It’s a good reminder that he was a fucking dickhead in Goonies. More: HuffPost

Note 17: It really should be a bigger scandal that Trump is putting so many criminals back on the streets. But they’re white and rich so the press doesn’t give a shit. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Gallup has Trump’s approval rating at 36 percent, which is a low for his second term. In fact, it’s only been lower once before and that was after fuckhead attacked the U.S. Capitol. More: Gallup

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate Politico kiss-ass Rachel Bade on her new venture with Trump stooge Sean Spicer. You might remember Rachel as the pretend objective journalist who was always raving about how great Trump is. Now we know why. Of course this is a sarcastic Happy Ending, so we hope that Rachel and Sean will eat all the shit before fucking off together. More: Status

Note 20: And on that incestuous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome holiday week, and we sure appreciate y’all letting us take some time off. It really helped us recharge our cussing machine. Love y’all!

RIP
We’re sending love and hugs to the family and friends of National Guard soldier Sarah Beckstrom. Sarah and another guardsmen were shot by an Afghan national in D.C. last week. They never should have been there. They should have been celebrating Thanksgiving with their families. But they were shot in D.C. because Trump was using them for a photo-op. It’s sick, and it really fucking pisses us off that this draft-dodging scumbag is getting real soldiers killed. Trump responded by sending another 500 troops to the city and spending the weekend golfing and ranting about Somalia, which had literally nothing to do with this whole thing. More: NPR

The Only 10 We See
Sorry. That was supposed to be another cheesy pick-up line, but it didn’t really work. But what would pick us up is a shocking win in Tennessee tomorrow. Democrat Aftyn Behn is scaring the shit out of Republicans as they pull out all the stops to win a district that Trump carried by 22 points just a year ago. We don’t know if Behn can win, but we do know it’s a bad sign for Republicans that they have to worry about this seat. Trump is even doing a tele-rally tonight for the Republican candidate. Remember when he used to do big rallies? Before the cankles took over? More: Associated Press

Hungover at the Hague
Pete Hegseth is a goddamn mess. Not only did the accused rapist have to promise to quit drinking to even get his job, but now we know he’s a fucking murderer and a war criminal. In a shocking report this weekend, the NYT detailed how Hegseth and his goons are making sure to murder any survivors from their illegal boat strikes in Venezuela, including two people who were seen clinging to wreckage. That is a war crime in any war, and even congressional Republicans are pretending to be concerned. Passed Out Pete better make sure he gets a shitload of pardons from his orange daddy. But even that won’t help him at the Hague. More: The Hill

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump said Thursday that he will “permanently pause” all immigration from what he called “third world countries” and demanded a program of “reverse migration” as he intensified his rhetoric after the National Guard shooting in Washington, D.C. More: NBC News

Israeli forces raided a Syrian village and opened fire when they were confronted by residents on Friday, killing at least 13 people, Syrian officials said, in the deadliest Israeli attack since its troops seized a swath of southern Syria a year ago. More: NBC News

Fox News has been dropped from President Donald Trump’s debut media “Hall of Shame” over the weekend after the network pointed out that the White House misidentified a reporter as one of its own. More: Mediaite

Northwestern University has agreed to pay $75 million to the U.S. government in a deal with the Trump administration to end a series of investigations and restore hundreds of millions of dollars in federal research funding. More: Associated Press