Kash for Gold

It’s Monday. There are 253 days until the midterm elections. Another Cannon cover-up, Trump threatens Netflix and a lawless Labor Department.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t post AI videos of itself because that’s loser shit.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the State of the Union address is almost upon us. And the state of the union is a total fucking shitshow. That’s probably what we won’t hear tomorrow night, but we will sure as hell feel it and see it. Like all things Trump, the SOTU poses a challenge for Democrats, and we’re all curious to see how they’re going to handle it. A lot of Democrats are going this route, and we respect it…

That makes sense. Fuck Trump. It’s not worth our time to listen to that dumb shit or lend it even an ounce of credibility. That is probably the wise and mature thing to do. But if we might be so bold, we would like to suggest an alternative to boycotting. Instead, we think every elected Democrat should start eating beans right this second. Do nothing but eat beans between now and the time of the address. Then, when it starts, just let ‘er rip. Fart like America needs you to fart. Turn that chamber into the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles. Let a righteous and foul wind overtake the Capitol. It’s time to Dutch Oven every last one of these assholes. Let this State of the Union forever be remembered as the first State of the Poo-nion.

Only then, when the members’ faces have turned to green and the entire chamber is beset by fits of dry-heaving, will Donald Trump be able to accurately convey the state of our fucked up union. So screw the boycott. Let’s stink those fuckers out. Oh wait. That’s the president’s strategy. Damnit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Are you snowed in? Again? Well that sucks. But it also gives you some time to catch up on the bonus Therapy episode we did on Friday. Be safe out there, SPs!

Note three: Trump is losing his shit over SCOTUS’s tariff ruling. He says he’s going to call them th supreme court now because he doesn’t respect them. Can we please find a fucking adult to lead the country? More: The Hill

Note four: We want to wish congrats to the men’s U.S. hockey team, but man, we just can’t do it. So congrats to the Sexy Patriots who root for them. That’s about the best we can do. More: Yahoo Sports

Note five: And seriously, fuck Trump and fuck Kash for getting their gross stank all over this moment…

Note six: How do we think the media would have responded if Biden or Obama’s FBI director was partying it up in Italy on our dime while a prominent media personality’s mother was missing? Yeah. Exactly.

Note seven: Some scary scenes in Puerto Vallarta after Mexican forces killed a cartel leader. We’re sending love to everyone there, especially Americans who were just trying to surf Sayulita. More: NBC News

Note eight: So the greatest thing in the world happened this weekend and we were gonna lead the newsletter with it until we thought of that hilarious fart thing. The Pope told VP Couch Canoodles to get fucked. Yeah, Leo said no thanks to America’s 250th bday party. He’s gonna hang with migrants instead. So put that in your sofa and suck it, JD! More: Yahoo

Note nine: And the Pope ain’t alone. Most of Europe hates us right now. And frankly, we don’t blame them. More: NBC News

Note 10: Like we said, this is some loser shit.

Note 11: This isn’t the point of this post, but man, Steven Cheung really is the ugliest human being to ever walk this Earth. It’s like he was bitten by an ugly radioactive spider. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Poll after poll shows that America hates Trump. ABC has his rating at the lowest since Jan. 6. If only our goldfish-brained country had remembered Jan. 6 when it was time to vote. More: Yahoo

Note 13: Sure, it’s bad for the economy but we’re really hoping Trump keeps doubling down on his dumbfuck tariffs…

Note 14: Sen. Foghorn Leghorn aka John Kennedy decided to attack AOC for being a bartender. It was such a stupid hit that even Ana Paulian Luna called it out. And her granddad was an actual nazi soldier. We’re not making that up. More: The Hill

Note 15: Greenland helped out a U.S. sailor last week. Instead of saying thank you, Trump announced he’s sending a hospital ship there. Unfortunately, we don’t have any working hospital ships right now. Are we great again or what?HuffPost

Note 16: LOL. Big congrats to Rep. Jeff Hurd who lost his Trump endorsement this weekend. Stop crying, Jeff. You’re free to be an actual human being now. More: NBC

Note 17: We’re not mathematicians, but we do know rotting poop when we see it…

Note 18: Man, we sure are sympathetic for anyone who suffers from tourettes. But there is just no fucking universe where two Black men should have to stand on stage listening to the n-word. Shitty situation, and we’re not exactly sure what the answers are. More: Vanity Fair

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to a country that doesn’t hate itself. Nice to see the yutes taking over. Congrats to the Netherlands!

Note 20: And on that youthful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend and that you’ve been eating your beans. It’s stupid to get into a stank-off with Trump, but we have to at least try. Love y’all!

Cannon fodder

Sigh. We had forgotten Aileen Cannon existed. And it was nice. But she’s back in the news today, and it ain’t for good reasons. Aileen has decided that no American should ever be allowed to see Volume II of Jack Smith’s report. She also barred Smith from sharing the conclusions. This is fucking insane. It’s quite obvious that Cannon wants Alito’s seat and she’ll do anything to get it. But we paid for this fucking report and we deserve to see it. So who’s got the balls to leak it?

More: The Hill

Free-market conservative

Man, that free market shit sure was a lie, wasn’t it? Trump is now openly threatening “consequences” for Netflix if they don’t fire former Trump aide Susan Rise from their board. You might recall that Netflix is currently trying to buy Warner Bros. (and CNN) and that Trump wants it to go to his friends who bought Paramount instead. So yeah, this is some super illegal bullshit. Btw, while we’re on this subject, we’d like to invite Titanic director James Cameron to go fuck himself. Cameron, who has a stake in Paramount, is pushing for the Trump-friendly deal and sucking up to Trump trash like Mike Lee to make it happen. What a massive disappointment.

More: CNBC, Variety

The Creep Cover-up Cabinet

Remember last week when we told you that the Labor Secretary’s husband had been banned from the Labor Department because he allegedly sexually assaulted two women who work there? Well the Trump scum at DOJ are making it go away. Yeah, miraculously Shawn DeRemer is getting a pass from Jeanine Pirro. Aren’t we all shocked? The Trump administration is a full-on fucking crime spree and the mainstream media don’t really seem to care. In fact, we had to link to this goddamn CBS story because we couldn’t find it anywhere else.

More: CBS, Politico

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court agreed Monday to hear an attempt by energy companies to throw out a lawsuit filed in Colorado seeking to hold them accountable for the costs of climate change. More: NBC

WASHINGTON (AP) — An armed man drove into the secure perimeter of Mar-a-Lago, President Donald Trump’s resort in Palm Beach, Florida, before being shot and killed early Sunday morning, according to a spokesman for the U.S. Secret Service. More: AP News

VAIL, Colo. (AP) — American skier Lindsey Vonn says she nearly lost her left leg following a frightening crash in the women’s downhill at the Milan Cortina Olympics. More: AP News

German soccer club Werder Bremen has canceled a planned summer tour to Minneapolis and Detroit, saying the unrest surrounding President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown in Minnesota doesn’t align with the club’s values. More: HuffPost

Nick Reiner is scheduled to appear in a Los Angeles courtroom Monday, where he is expected to enter a plea in the killings of his parents, Hollywood director Rob Reiner and producer Michele Singer Reiner. More: HuffPost

Anderson Cooper traveled to South Africa to get to the bottom of President Donald Trump’s claim of a “genocide” of white, predominantly Afrikaner farmers in the latest episode of 60 Minutes on Sunday evening. More: Mediaite