Kamikaze Dolphins

It’s Tuesday. There are 182 days until the midterm elections. The GOP spends our money on a ballroom, SCOTUS drops the mask and Indiana finds out Hoosier daddy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it didn’t attend the Met Gala like some kind of asshole.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, things are still stupid. Like really, really, really stupid. Like however stupid you think things are right now, add three head injuries, a meth bender and decades of eating paint chips and then you’ll be getting closer to the actual stupidity levels we’re talking about. Don’t believe us? Well this is what the new right-wing Pentagon press corps is asking about while the nation is at (a stupid) war…

Sigh. Kamikaze dolphins. Really? Well, we suppose that’s almost as good as asking Hegseth about all those little girls he killed. What the effing fuck is happening in these briefing rooms? Americans are desperate for answers and our watchdogs keep humping the roomba. This particular dumbshit is employed by Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire. We know Ben struggles with female arousal, so maybe he’s studying dolphins to figure out how they get wet.

It’s imperative that we bring back shame in this country. Because Sam once mispronounced the word “assuage” in the White House briefing room and he’s still embarrassed about it. Asking about kamikaze dolphins while America is at war is way worse. And really, really, really fucking stupid. Y’all have a blessed day. Except dolphin girl. She should think about what she did. More: HuffPost

Note two: The main takeaway from this morning’s Pentagon disaster is that we are still at war and Trump and his team are lying about it so they don’t have to get congressional approval. Yay America. More: NBC News

Note three: Wanna hear something really fucked up? We’ve spent all that money and killed all those people and Iran still has its nuke program. Great work, Trump. More: Reuters

Note four: The commander-in-chief can’t stop bragging about all the cognitive tests he has passed. Maybe someone should ask him why the fuck he keeps taking them. More: HuffPost

Note five: You know shit is going bad when even his dumb demented ass can see how unpopular it is. Enjoy the midterms, shithead.

Note six: It sure seems like the Secret Service is getting into a lot more shootouts these days. Probably because everyone hates the asshole they’re protecting. More: Associated Press

Note seven: We have some really good news for those of you with Netflix — Tootsie, Splash and Steel Magnolias are all streaming right now. You’re welcome.

Note eight: The douchebag from Pawn Stars was at the White House yesterday kissing Trump’s ass. Though we are not surprised that pawn shops are thriving in Trump’s economy. More: Las Vegas Sun

Note nine: Btw, we’re kinda late to this but there were some big wins against some Moms of Liberty types in Texas over the weekend. People are sick of this shit. More: San Antonio Report

Note 10: We’ve soured on the pulitzers a bit, but this goes a long way to restoring our faith. Congrats to Julie!

Note 11: Liddle Marco is meeting with the Pope. We hope the Pope gives him a swirlie in a Vatican toilet. More: NBC News

Note 12: We were gonna do a news item about the Met Gala but honestly fuck those people. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 13: Congrats to Media Matters on whooping the FTC’s ass. Fascist pigs. More: Media Matters

Note 14: One of Trump’s Secret Service agents was jerking off in front of hotel guests this weekend. They say he’s been charged for crimes, but we’re betting this gets his creepy ass a promotion. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Don’t ever forget for one second that Donald Trump is the least popular and most hated president in modern American history. Rectum rot has higher numbers.

Note 16: We saw someone on social media point out that the illegal Russian war against Ukraine has been going on almost as long as WWI. You really have to hand it to Ukraine. They’ve been attacked, insulted, sold out and shit on and they’re still winning. Slava Ukraine. Fuck Trump. More: Vox

Note 17: Even Republicans don’t like that Trump is naming a bunch of shit after himself. And those idiots voted for the fucker. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Thanks to HuffPo for this important explainer about abortion pills. At least someone is looking out for women’s rights. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, it’s Dolly. Longtime readers of the newsletter know that we are HUGE Dolly Parton fans, and we’ve been concerned about her health. Well, we’ll let her tell you herself…

Note 20: And on that note of relief, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not humiliating yourself by asking about fucking kamikaze dolphins because that’s just the stupidest goddamn shit we’ve ever heard. Love y’all!

Ballroom bullshit
We hated Trump’s stupid ballroom when we thought it was being paid for with corporate bribes. But we really fucking hate that the Republican Party now expects us to pay for it. Last night, Sen. Chuck Grassley unveiled the GOP’s reconciliation proposal. They can pass this bill without Democratic support in either chamber, so they’re loading it up with goodies. While we’d normally just be super pissed off about the extra $38 billion they’re giving ICE, we just can’t help but focus on the $1 billion OF OUR MONEY that they’re gonna give Trump to build himself a new East Wing. But we sure are excited to see this shit in campaign ads. More: Yahoo

Fuck Sam Alito
Our corrupt SCOTUS pulled some more bullshit yesterday when the court ordered Louisiana to draw new maps despite the fact that it’s election time and despite the fact that this court has repeatedly argued that shit like this shouldn’t happen so close to elections. But the real fireworks came after Justice Jackson called out the blatant double-standards, leading Sam Alito to lose his temper and personally attack Justice Jackson for doing nothing more than stating the truth. So not only are they bringing back Jim Crow, but they get really mad if you tell them that. Alito is an absolute disgrace. And John Roberts can eat shit too. More: NBC News

Hoosier Daddy?
Well we’re about to find out if Trump has any juice left. It’s Election Day, so people are voting. In Indiana, Republicans will have to decide if they want to help Trump get revenge on the seven state lawmakers who refused to go along with his gerrymandering scheme. Republicans have spent millions of dollars on these primaries just to appease their dumbshit overlord. We have to admit we are curious to see if Trump still has this kind of power over his voters. We’re guessing Thomas Massie will be watching too. More: The Hill, More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — A special election in a small Michigan swing district on Tuesday could have outsized consequences, determining whether Democrats retain their slim majority in the state Senate for the final months of Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s term. More: Associated Press

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Vice President JD Vance heads to Iowa on Tuesday, marking his first visit since taking office to the state where Republicans in less than two years will cast the initial votes to pick their party’s next presidential nominee. More: Associated Press

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — As civil rights advocates protest, Republican lawmakers in several Southern states are seizing on the opportunity afforded by a U.S. Supreme Court ruling to redraw congressional districts ahead of the November midterm elections. More: Associated Press

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Republican Vivek Ramaswamy has spent his campaign for Ohio governor focused on November’s general election and finally gets the chance Tuesday to put the long primary season behind him, as the Trump-endorsed biotech entrepreneur positions for an expensive run against Dr. Amy Acton, the former state health director. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON — A Democratic Minnesota state legislator took the extraordinary step of rescinding his endorsement in the state’s U.S. Senate race on Friday, switching his support from Rep. Angie Craig to Lt. Gov. Peggy Flanagan because the former voted for the Laken Riley Act. More: HuffPost

Rapper M.I.A. has been fired from a tour with Kid Cudi after going on an anti-immigrant rant while opening a concert in Dallas over the weekend. More: HuffPost

The cruise ship carrying almost 150 passengers at the center of a deadly hantavirus outbreak was marooned in the Atlantic Ocean on Tuesday, waiting for two ill crew members to be evacuated for treatment. More: NBC News