John Crow

Happy Friday. There are 179 days until the midterm elections. Back to war, John Crow lives in Tennessee and some much needed good news out of California.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell you Trump is the real bitch.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And congrats on making it through another week in Trump’s America. It’s a hell of an accomplishment. You’re being governed by cruel morons who hate you, and we know that’s not easy to take. For example, this dumb little shit made us so mad yesterday we had actual fucking steam coming out of our orifices. Sam even went to Urgent Care to have it checked out.

Sonofabitch. Oh you want us to take a road trip? How about fuck you, bro? Why don’t you take a road trip to our ass and kiss it? These sonsofbitches are so out of touch it makes us want to throw shit. Hell, Trump just straight up lied yesterday about gas prices going down. They fucked us, and even they know it. So that’s why we’re introducing a new campaign today for the summer travel season. It’s called Ride Sean.

Yeah, since this goofy unqualified ass-kissing shithead wants us all taking road trips while the price of gas is through the roof, we think it’s only appropriate that he give every single American a piggy-back ride to wherever they want to go. And we don’t want to hear him bitching about it either. We’re all making sacrifices. And besides, he’s been carrying Trump’s bullshit for a while now, so he can certainly carry Adam and the kids to Yellowstone. Giddy-up, Sean. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We got a new jobs report this morning, and it was better than expected. But the manufacturing sector continues to die despite Trump’s lies about it. More: USA Today

Note three: You’re gonna love this story about how Zelensky is doing one year after being berated by Trump and Couchfuck. More: HuffPost

Note four: The right has been getting its ass kicked all over the world. Except in England — the only country doing politics as stupidly as we are. It’s like that old anti-drug commercial. WE LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU! More: NBC News

Note five: Here’s Cankles freaking the fuck out at ABC reporter Rachel Scott because she asked a real question. He reportedly called her a “bitch” a few minutes later. Yeah, the pressure is getting to him. Big time.

Note six: The White House is fucking with Mark Hamill. Imagine being on the wrong side of Luke Skywalker. More: NBC News

Note seven: We know you’re worried about this hantavirus stuff, but don’t worry because the nation’s top health official is focused like a laser on letting teenagers use tanning beds. Totally normal shit, right? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Kash Patel is polygraphing FBI agents to find out who’s leaking about his drinking. Hard to believe this super sleuth didn’t find Nancy Guthrie. More: HuffPost

Note nine: The president took a joyride through the Reflecting Pool yesterday. He calls it the Reflecting Pond. Remember when the media told us that the president’s mental health was the most important topic ever? Guess that’s only for Democratic presidents. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We are fucking furious about what’s happening in Tennessee, and we’ll talk more about it in the news section. But we want to make sure y’all see this courage…

Note 11: Karoline Leavitt had a baby. Congrats. We assume its first words will be total bullshit. More: NBC News

Note 12: Dipshit’s tariffs took another loss yesterday. It’s almost like they’re stupid and illegal like everything else Trump does. More: Associated Press

Note 13: If you want to know just how cruel this country really is, you don’t have to look any further than how these assholes treat Dreamers.

Note 14: The Pentagon is releasing its UFO files. Did you see the one about how the aliens tried to distract us from stupid wars and high gas prices? More: HuffPost

Note 15: Happy 100th birthday to David Attenborough. That man’s voice and nature films have really gotten us through some heavy acid trips. Kidding! (Sam’s not) More: HuffPost

Note 16: The Pope is going to Pompeii today. Between that and meeting with Rubio, Leo is really taking in some disasters this week. More: Chicago Tribune

Note 17: Btw, Rubio gave the Pope a crystal football. That shit is totally gonna end up at Goodwill or regifted.

Note 18: John “Uncle Fester” Fetterman says he’s not switching parties. Cool. We look forward to whooping his ogre ass in the next primary. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re talking sports. The WNBA is back! They’ve got new contracts and crazy good star power and we are psyched for this season. Go Sparks!

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing week. Except for Sean Duffy. That dude sucks and he can blow us. Love y’all!

Peace through bullshit
You know how Axios keeps telling us the war is almost over? Well all the missiles flying would suggest that ain’t true. Trump and his scum are insisting that the ceasefire is ongoing and a deal is near, but the reality in the Strait of Hormuz tells a different story. The hard truth is there is no easy way out of this fucking mess that Trump created, and we suspect the American media isn’t telling us the whole story about what’s been happening to our bases in the Middle East. More: USA Today

John Crow
We killed Jim Crow. But John Roberts brought him back. So now he’s John Crow, and he’s having a moment. Tennessee Republicans yesterday, taking a cue from a racist SCOTUS, passed legislation to divide up the state’s only majority Black district. That Memphis district has existed since the fucking 1920s, but now it will be broken up. The scenes out of the capital in Nashville yesterday were straight out of Eyes on the Prize as state troopers and racist lawmakers made their presence known against protesters and Black lawmakers who were fighting with everything they had to stop this racist insanity. The South has risen again. But we’ve beat them before. We can do it again. More: The Guardian

Much-needed good news
How do we beat them? Well, take a look at Whittier, California. Our friends at Bolts Mag did a deep dive on how furious Latino voters in Richard Nixon’s hometown organized and took down the ICE-friendly mayor and a couple of city council members. They protested, they studied, they organized, they turned out and they won. Nothing is inevitable. We can do this. We must do this. More: Bolts Mag

Today’s clips
A system that thousands of schools and universities use was offline Thursday during a cyberattack, creating chaos as students tried to study for finals and underscoring education’s dependence on technology. More: Associated Press

The Trump administration’s cancellation of more than $100 million in humanities grants to scholars, writers, research groups and other organizations was unconstitutional, and the Department of Government Efficiency had no authority to end the funding, a federal judge in New York ruled on Thursday. More: HuffPost

Tennessee Gov. Bill Lee (R) signed a bill into law Thursday that vastly expands the state’s power to gather information about transgender patients and their healthcare providers. More: HuffPost

The hantavirus outbreak on the MV Hondius cruise ship brings a new focus to efforts to develop a vaccine to prevent the virus. More: NBC News

COLUMBUS, Ohio — A former sheriff’s deputy was found guilty of reckless homicide at trial Thursday for shooting a Black man who was bringing sandwiches to his grandmother’s house. More: NBC News

Sen. Susan Collins, R-Maine, this week revealed a nervous system condition that she said she has had for decades but is not considered dangerous or an impairment to doing her job. More: NBC News

The Virginia Supreme Court on Friday struck down a voter-approved Democratic congressional redistricting plan, delivering another major setback to the party in a nationwide battle against Republicans for an edge in this year’s midterm elections. More: HuffPost

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