Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it would never, ever, ever call someone a “shylock” like the president did.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we are two weeks away. And we don’t know about y’all, but our asses are clinched so tight that we could turn coal to diamonds. What a weird expression. Who would stick coal up their ass? Don’t answer that. Anyway, we are stressed the fuck out because we’re only waiting to see if America is deader than disco or ready for a major comeback. But there is one thing we want to remind you of today that might make you feel better — you are up against one of the dumbest sonsofbitches to ever waddle around this dying planet…
Awwww did you hear that? Big boy correctly identified a giraffe! Someone get his stupid ass a cookie. And then take away the car keys and the nuclear codes. We’re sharing this clip today because we want you to remember that you are not up against an inevitable, invincible, all-powerful god. You’re up against the same fucking idiot who stared at an eclipse and got his ass whooped by the Reflecting Pool. He might be scary, but he’s also really, really, really dumb. And that’s dumb with a B.
So while we bust our butts these next two weeks to try and restore a little sanity and decency to this crumbling nation, please don’t forget that you are much, much smarter than the guy you’re up against. May this knowledge give you comfort as you continue your fight. And may an army of giraffes raise up and eat all of our shit-for-brains enemies. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Great news for all the women out there. Trump has put RFK Jr in charge of your health. So get ready to work out in jeans, eat lots of sauerkraut and then die. More: HuffPost
Note three: Trump did use an antisemitic slur last night in Kansas. We’re sure he’ll be roundly condemned by all the same people who are coming after our Muslim candidates. Right? More: CNN
Note four: One of our favorite Halloween traditions is a new Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horrors. And it was pretty cool this year to see a longtime character make his return. More: NBC News
Note five: Hey so why the effing fuck isn’t this a bigger story? Does his name have to be Hasan for the mainstream media to give a shit?
Note six: Trump scum are literally threatening Sen. Elissa Slotkin’s life over her call to prosecute corruption, and the MSM still found a way to both-sides it. More: CNN
Note seven: Sam dropped off his ballot yesterday. Have you?
Note eight: Vivek Ramaswamy is running ads featuring Amy Acton’s mom. According to Amy’s brother, Amy’s mom had a boyfriend who raped Amy when she was 12 and the children were removed from her custody. So of course Vivek is using this monster in an ad. What a sick fuck. More: Yahoo News
Note nine: Trump wants to give farmers a few more billions of our money. We’re so sick of bailing out these fucking welfare queens. More: Yahoo
Note 10: Trump did this…
Note 11: Trump and Elon tried to break up Canada. They failed. Bigly. More: NBC News
Note 12: We don’t usually say nice things about Florida, but congrats to the Tampa Bay Rays on making the World Series. We will be rooting for the Brewers. More: NBC News
Note 13: Trump is getting heckled A LOT these days. And we love it. THANK YOU to the Sexy Patriot who infiltrated the rally in Kansas last night and screamed “I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!” Man, we sure do feel that.
Note 14: A Black MAGA influencer went to show her love to Ken Paxton. And they kicked her out. Maybe it’s time to rethink her party allegiance. More: Yahoo News
Note 15: Trump said last night that he feels “very sad” because Americans don’t appreciate him. Imagine how he’d feel if he knew how much we hate his goddamn guts. More: Yahoo
Note 16: Couchfuck is withholding his endorsement of Bibi. Interesting. This would be a smart political maneuver if he wasn’t also traveling the country with a serial sexual harasser (Mark Halperin) and making excuses for Trump’s open corruption. More: NBC News
Note 17: Speaking of sofa boy, he got roughed up by an especially wily protester yesterday. Welcome to the rest of your life, JD…
Note 18: Trump wants to rename New Mexico. So let’s make him a deal. He can rename New Mexico if we can rename him. We’re thinking Putin’s Bitch McCankles. Got a nice ring to it, don’t it? More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Texas. But we’re also going to a new generation of Democratic candidates who aren’t afraid to go right at the corrupt fucks who are ruining everything. James, we see you and we love it…
Note 20: And on that Hell Yeah note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. We also hope you can correctly identify a giraffe and a fucking idiot who shouldn’t be president. Love y’all!
Elon’s Time in the Barrell
There are roughly 10 billion reasons for Americans to vote for Democrats this year, but one of the most important has got to be our party’s plans to hold Elon Musk accountable. According to Politico this morning, Democrats are ready to make Elon’s life hell once they have some gavels in their hands. They are eager to ask questions about his throttling of Starlink in Ukraine, his conflicts of interest and his destruction of USAID. This is what we’re talking about, baby! We’re ready to get out the popcorn and watch the worm squirm.
More: Politico
Putin’s Punk
Trump is now all in on his love affair with Putin. He literally said yesterday that “Russia has been fine” in its dealings with Ukraine. He then attacked Zelensky some more. And WaPo is reporting today that the U.S. has held up shipments of interceptors to the country fighting on the side of freedom, leaving Ukraine as sitting ducks for Russia’s cruel attacks. We keep saying it because it needs to be said — the United States of America is betraying the cause of freedom so our corrupt president can cozy up to his dictator benefactor.
More: HuffPost
Goodbye, Christiane (and CNN)
After rich right-wing assholes bought CNN, we all knew it was only a matter of time until the real journalists made their exits. Alas, the network’s best journalist and a voice of reason and morality announced yesterday that she will be leaving. Veteran international journalist Christiane Amanpour announced yesterday that she will be leaving the network in June after 43 years there. As far as journalists go, Amanpour is about as good as it gets. We hope the people who stay behind will remember her charge to “always be truthful; not neutral.”
More: Variety
Today’s clips
PARIS (AP) — Paris returned to calm on Tuesday after its first quiet night since a weekend marred by France’s most destructive rioting in years, as authorities imposed curfews in several cities in an effort to prevent another round of rioting and looting. More: AP
NEW YORK (AP) — Richard Riehle, a prolific character actor in TV and film who often played authority figures but was equally skilled at comedy, notably playing a sad-sack product manager in “Office Space,” has died. He was 78. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is hoping that $5,000 checks can juice Republican turnout in November’s midterm elections — but even some of his devoted fans are doubting that government payouts would arrive. More: AP
The 81st season of NBA play starts Tuesday with a tripleheader, highlighted by James and the 76ers heading to New York to face Jalen Brunson and the champion Knicks. They’ll get their championship rings before the game, see a banner swaying from the ceiling of Madison Square Garden and then get down to the task of doing something that nobody in the NBA has done for nearly a decade — repeat as title winners. More: AP
Oil prices surged in early trading Tuesday, as energy markets adjusted to a new normal in the Middle East. The increase in crude prices threatened to drive up the cost of gas in the United States just two weeks ahead of the midterm elections. More: NBC News
Donald Trump unleashed on Fox News for their coverage of Democrats in a scathing Truth Social post.
“Fox spends more time defending Dumocrats, and putting on their views versus their Republican opponent, than at any time in the History of FoxNews,” the president said in a post shared early Monday morning. More: HuffPost
What the Sexy Patriots Are Saying
I fuhking hate them all.
9/hope the farmers see through the bribe.. and that its probably lip service, like the doge/tarriff nonsense
15/ who gives a f**k about Trumps feelings? Personally, I don't think he feels sad enough.
17/ what a bunch of mindless morons, imagine shouting USA USA because someone wants to protect children from SA. GOP truly is the Guardian of Pedophiles.
18/ Hopefully we can rename trump in 15 days to Lame Duck Trump. That should really set him off
The President of the United States is a treasonous traitor.