Hottie Alert

It’s Tuesday. There are 427 days until the midterm elections. Nadler hangs it up, Trump defiles another award and L.A. beats Trump.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it sure as shit wouldn’t give a medal to Giuliani’s gross ass.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we might have met our match. Even though we are all maxing out the Rick Fox Sexiness Scale at the very highest number (seriously, look him up if you don’t know), there is one who puts us all to shame. In fact, when we saw a blurry Bigfoot-like picture of him in the wild this weekend, we knew right away what we were gonna have to do in the newsletter —

HOTTIE ALERT!!!!!!

Christ almighty someone kicked open the arc of the covenant and took a dump inside! Hopefully our sarcasm from earlier in this note is apparent by now because holy shit that evil motherfucker is decomposing. The Bruise is taking over. He’s more Bruise than asshole now. We never thought we’d say this, but he should probably orange it up. This is a code tangerine.

Look, obviously we’re biased and we hate that sonofabitch. But after months of being lectured about the importance of the president’s health by the mainstream media, can we just ask where the effing fuck they are now? Because there’s some seriously weird shit going on at 1600 and that’s really saying something when it comes to Trump’s rotting ass. Is he sick or does he just smell like it? Americans deserve to know. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna have to do this week’s therapy session on Wednesday afternoon. Sorry. We’re juggling with our other jobs and actual therapy.

Note three: Trump and Woody Allen having a love-fest with each other the same week as the Epstein stuff is a little too on the nose. Even for those creepy motherfuckers. More: Variety

Note four: We thought for a second Snoop was apologizing for being a hypocrite and an ignorant asshole. We were mistaken. He’s still a hypocrite and an ignorant asshole. Sorry for the confusion. More: HuffPost

Note five: Don’t forget our nation’s capital is being occupied. And never forget our nation’s capital is resisting.

Note six: Trump is making an announcement at the White House today. It’s about Space Command. Maybe that’s where the Epstein files are hidden. More: Guardian

Note seven: Apparently, Trump has made $6 billion since taking office. This would be a major scandal if a Democrat had done it. But hey, who cares if the convicted felon fraudster is raking in untraceable money from crypto, right? It’s not like he takes a shitload of bribes. Oh wait. More: Independent

Note eight: If you use AirBnB, you’re giving money to a Trump scumbag. So fuck AirBnB. More: HuffPost

Note nine: It really is astonishing how Trump has brought the world’s assholes together. More: NBC

Note 10: Looks like they had to throw out the president’s sheets. Pretty fucking gross, ain’t it?

Note 11: Joe Scarborough is a gutless, ass-kissing bitch weasel who thinks everyone else should kiss Trump’s ass just because he and his wife did. Fuck Joe Scarborough. Fuck his wife too. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Want to read something horrifying? If they’ll do this to someone who served heroically in Afghanistan, imagine what they’ll do to the rest of us. More: Guardian

Note 13: Speaking of Afghanistan, we’re sending love. Many are dead after a horrific earthquake there, and you just know we’re not gonna help for shit. More: HuffPost

Note 14: America ran off Greg Louganis. This is NOT how you make us great again. More: HuffPost

Note 15: It’s important to remember that stuff like this and record-high costs of ground beef over Labor Day weekend are only big deals when a Democrat is president. God our media is trash.

Note 16: We’re shocked and grateful, but the New York Times did a story about what a serial liar Trump reporter Benny Johnson is. Benny didn’t take it well. More: Mediaite

Note 17: RIP to the amazing Graham Greene. If you’ve never seen Thunderheart, you should check it out. More: NBC

Note 18: Trump and a Daily Caller reporter teamed up to make fun of Joe Biden’s cancer diagnosis. This would be big news, but again, our media is a fucking joke. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the Big Apple. Looking good, New York!

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great week and millions of people aren’t eagerly awaiting for you to die. Love y’all!

Thanks, Jerry

Rep. Jerrold Nadler announced this weekend that he won’t seek re-election. Nadler, a longtime Democratic hero, said he saw the writing on the wall and the need for generational change. At 78, Nadler has done so much important shit for the people. But he’s also smart to see where the party is right now, and we’re grateful to him for exhibiting a trait rarely seen in politicians — self-awareness. New York politics is about to go through some interesting changes. Thank you for your years of service, Rep. Nadler.

More: CNN

So goddamn gross

For more than six years we’ve been doing this newsletter, and for more than six years we’ve been making fun of Rudy Giuliani’s gross decomposing ass. So we are totally fucking disgusted to hear that Rudy will be receiving one of America’s highest awards. The day after Rudy had some weird and mysterious car crash in New Hampshire, Trump announced that the guy from the Borat movie will received the Presidential Medal of Freedom. If there’s any justice in the world, he’ll have to hand it over to Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss just as soon as he gets it. Fuck Rudy.

More: NBC

L.A. wins!

After weeks of deliberation, a judge ruled this morning that Trump violated the posse comitatus act when he used the military to invade Los Angeles. Yeah, no fucking shit. The judge has enjoined Trump from using troops for law enforcement tasks but only in California. He also stayed the ruling because that was probably gonna happen anyway (h/t Steve Vladeck). So for now, Trump doesn’t have to withdraw the 300 troops who are still hanging around L.A., but this is still a win for people who love freedom. At least now we have a judge saying that Trump is using the military as a “national police force with the president as its chief.” (h/t Kyle Cheney) Now get those troops the fuck out of our cities.

More: Guardian

Today’s clips

Journalist Garrett Graff, a former editor of Politico magazine, said “it’s time” for the press to start asking deeper questions about President Donald Trump’s health. More: HuffPost

A government shutdown deadline, a standoff over President Donald Trump’s nominees and a renewed clash over the Jeffrey Epstein files await Congress as it returns Tuesday after a monthlong August recess. More: NBC

California Gov. Gavin Newsom is launching an aggressive ad campaign Tuesday to boost his quest to revamp the state's congressional maps in response to Republican maneuvering in Texas. More: NBC

Eric Trump has never been shy about playing up his image as a chip off the old block, but on a trip to Japan, the president’s son found himself rather more swiftly dispatched than his father’s WWE alter ego ever was. More: Mediaite

Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro on Monday said he “would constitutionally declare a republic in arms” if the South American country were attacked by forces that the United States government has deployed to the Caribbean. More: HuffPost