Herr President’s Parade

Happy Friday. There are 550 days until the midterm elections. An illegal attack on Harvard, Justice KBJ takes on Trump and Herr President’s pitiful parade.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So does Mike Waltz’s signal chat.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Congratulations on making it through another week in Trumpland. We know it’s not easy. Especially when dumb motherfuckers like Jellybean Diddlescouches (JD) Vance take a hammer to the economy and then go on Fox News and say unbelievable bullshit like this…

Sonofa…and that wasn’t even the worst part! Yeah, we got our hands on the part of the interview that was edited and it’s a doozy…

Bret Baier: So there are reports a couch in southern Ohio is going to come forward with reports of an inappropriate relationship between the two of you…

Vance: I don’t know how that couch got there. I ran into it.

BB: You ran into it? Penis-first? With your pants down?

Vance: Yeah it was so weird. I mean not weird but crazy. I was going to pray and I got my pants hooked on a nail and they felt down and I tripped and I ended up getting, um, lodged in that hot ass fucking couch. I mean…

BB: Ok let’s move on…

Vance: I DIDNT FUCK A COUCH! I ESPECIALLY DIDN’T FUCK A TOTAL SHREW OF A COUCH WHO WONT RETURN MY GODDAMN PHONE CALLS!!! YOU HEAR ME, SOF(I)A?! I WILL WIN YOU BACK!

BB: I’m gonna have to ask you to leave now. I know this is Fox, but you’re creeping us all out big time.

Ok so was that silly shit we just made up? Yeah, but it’s about as real as the stuff JD said so we’ll call it even. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose economy added 177,000 jobs last month. We know Biden isn’t president anymore, but the guy who currently has the job told us this is still Biden’s economy and he never lies. Or something. More: Yahoo News

Note three: We are now officially in May, and that means a new month of elections. Bolts Mag has you covered on what we’re voting on and where. Let’s win them all. More: Bolts Mag

Note four: Congratulations to Liddle Marco who is now National Security Adviser after Mike Waltz was pushed over to the UN for being a total fuck-up. It’s wild how Marco went from accusing Trump of having a little dick to being the guy who holds it while Trump pees. More: ABC News

Note five: This video of Jamie Raskin absolutely destroying Trump’s first 100 days is from a couple of days ago, but we thought you’d enjoy it…

Note six: If you want something else to worry or lose your shit about, then read this profile of John Fetterman and see that he is clearly not well. Yikes. More: NY Mag

Note seven: Congrats to New York Knicks fans on their team going to the next round of the NBA playoffs. Let’s celebrate by not voting for Cuomo.

Note eight: We saw this story after we wrote that intro note, but Jolly Dickmouth (JD) Vance has a Canadian friend (yeah, we know) who is begging JD to stay away from Canada. And that might be the funniest shit we’ve read all week. Vance’s Canadian girlfriend also doesn’t want him to visit, but that’s ok because he made her up. More: Politico

Note nine: Press freedom in the U.S. is at an all-time low. To fix it, CNN is gonna have Scott Jennings give Trump a foot rub on live TV. You’ll definitely want to watch something else. More: Axios

Note 10: So yeah the president of the United States has definitely never read the Declaration of Independence even though he has the fucking thing hanging on the wall. We really need Nicholas Cage to steal that shit from him…

Note 11: We were happy to see Warren Zevon is finally going into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. He was definitely a trainwreck as a human, but listen to Carmelita and tell us he doesn’t belong in there. More: Vulture, YouTube

Note 12: The FCC is led by a total Trump butt-kiss and he’s waging a war on the free press. Does this mean we get to shut down Fox News if we ever win again More: Wired

Note 13: We have bad news, but the president is even stupider than you thought. He’s trying to change the name of Veterans Day to “Victory Day for World War I” and he seems to have gotten the wrong fucking day. At least he’s not calling it Suckers and Losers Day like he originally wanted. More: The Hill

Note 14: Some much-needed good news from the legal world as super lawyer Abbe Lowell announces plans to launch a new firm and hire associates from the firms that surrendered to Trump. More: CBS News

Note 15: Yesterday Trump had Dr. Phil and a bunch of right-wing religious freaks to the White House. Trump declared separation of church and state dead and then the freaks literally bowed to him. Imagine if Obama had… oh fuck it.

Note 16: This is quite a story. Trump is trying to erase Black American history, and digital archivists are “racing to save it.” Every once in a while we remember how white reporters made excuses for Trump’s racism back in 2016 and then we got out in the yard and scream-cuss for 20 minutes. More: Wired

Note 17: The new Canadian PM is going to visit Trump at the White House next week. We like Carney, but we think he’s making a mistake. Dude should have made Trump come to Canada. More: Bloomberg

Note 18: Trump spoke at the University of Alabama’s graduation last night, and it was a joke. The lunatic-in-chief talked about his tariffs and the radical left and his friend’s “trophy wife.” So congratulations to all the graduating seniors on seeing up close just how fucked up things are. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we were kinda stuck. So we found this weird story about rage-pooping and it seemed like it might come in handy at some point.

Note 20: And on that stinky note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good week and are about to have an even better weekend. And as always, keep JD off the furniture. Love y’all!

Law and order
Donald Trump woke up and broke the law again. Yeah, Trump announced on his social media website that he is going to revoke Harvard’s tax exempt status. Except doing so is illegal because you can’t actually direct the IRS to target anyone. Frankly, we’re more open to this than you might think. If this means we get to strip tax exempt status from corrupt mega-churches and right-wing scams, then we’re game. We’re kidding. Mostly. Let’s hope Harvard goes to war. More: CBS News

Git his ass
Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson received a standing ovation after telling a judge’s conference in Puerto Rico that Trump’s attacks on the judiciary as “threats and harassment.” Justice Jackson didn’t mention Trump’s name, but she made it pretty damn clear who she was talking about. It’s so damn refreshing to see a justice standing up for herself. And we know John Roberts is too fucking weak to do it. Thank you, Justice Jackson! More: Politico

Pray for rain
Trump sure seems serious about doing a big expensive military parade for his birthday just like Putin or some North Korean dictator. The Associated Press obtained detailed plans from the Army for more than 6,500 soldiers, 150 vehicles, seven bands and 50 helicopters to make Trump’s dick-tator dreams come true. We almost fucking dare Trump to go through with it. Imagine him doing this shit when shelves are empty and the economy is tanking. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump signed an executive order late Thursday to end public funding of National Public Radio and PBS to stop what he called "biased and partisan news coverage." More: NBC News

Democratic senators alleged Friday that tech billionaire Elon Musk may have used his White House job to drum up private deals in foreign countries for Starlink, his satellite internet service. More: NBC News

Republicans might ask states to share the cost of food benefits to help pay for tax cuts at the heart of President Donald Trump’s second-term agenda, a move that would likely shrink the program and leave some households with less money for food. More: HuffPost

When the Justice Department lifted a school desegregation order in Louisiana this week, officials called its continued existence a “historical wrong” and suggested that others dating to the Civil Rights Movement should be reconsidered.

The end of the 1966 legal agreement with Plaquemines Parish schools announced Tuesday shows the Trump administration is “getting America refocused on our bright future,” Assistant Attorney General Harmeet Dhillon said. More: Associated Press