Happy Al Green Day

It’s Wednesday. There are 251 days until the midterm elections. Little Johnson lays it out, a Democratic star rises and Trump ignores the Epstein survivors.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s hoarse from using so much of it last night.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, our union is about as fucked as we thought it was. Cankles J. Poopiepants defiled the United States Capitol once again last night, and we hope like hell you didn’t subject yourself to one second of that vile shit. But if you did, then we hope you at least saw our new hero spelling it out for Trump…

A-fucking-men. Thank you, Congressman Green. He was thrown out of the chamber after that. Republicans Troy Nehls and Markwayne Mullin (his real name) both tried to take it. But Al Green did the fucking thing and confronted Trump to his fugly fucking face with his racist bullshit and IT’S ABOUT TIME!!! And that, Sexy Patriots, is why we are using all the power vested in us as a cussing newsletter to proclaim today as Al Green Day (Sponsored by TheAltMedia). This man has been booted from the SOTU two years in a row, and we’re not sure we’ve ever respected anything more.

It seemed from the beltway media this week that Democrats were really struggling with whether to boycott or do something noble and poignant, like go and bring an Epstein survivor. We don’t have a problem with either. It’s a tough situation, and those are both commendable choices. But showing up with a sign that calls that cruel, dumb sonofabitch a racist and sticking it in front of his orange grill was a home-fucking-run.

We spend so much time wondering if Trump is aware of reality, we rejoice when someone shoves his snout in it. Even if only for a moment. Thank you, Congressman. And thank you to every Democrat who started yelling back last night and eventually walked out. Because fuck that guy. Y’all have a blessed Al Green Day.

Note two: Anyone need some therapy after that steaming pile of speech? Yeah, us too. How about 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 PT? Cool. See you then.

Note three: We’re sorry to all the fans, but the men’s U.S. hockey team can eat shit and go fuck themselves. They spent the day with Trump yesterday, first at the White House and then at the SOTU. One of the little shits even went on Hannity. So yeah, fuck them. More: NPR

Note four: Hey, so what the effing hell is going on in Quakertown, Pa.? And why the hell hasn’t every adult there been fired and arrested? More: WFMZ

Note five: Btw, we were gonna also make this Ilhan Omar Day but we’re pretty sure we already did that when she went after that punk that attacked her. Still, we are damn grateful she and Rep. Tlaib called out Trump’s bullshit last night…

Note six: Trump’s latest pick to be surgeon general is testifying today. We swear to god if one goddamn Democrat votes to confirm her, we’re gonna lose it. More: NBC News

Note seven: We’re gonna talk about Hegseth more in the news section, unfortunately, but we also need to tell you that he’s still fucking with Mark Kelly. Guess Petey likes losing as much as he likes booze. More: The Hill

Note eight: Hey remember yesterday morning when we learned that the Department of Justice was covering up allegations that Donald Trump sexually assaulted a 13-year-old? Well if you said yes then you clearly don’t work for the mainstream media. What will it take for them to take this shit seriously?

Note nine: More controversy in the Texas Dem primary. We’re staying out of it, but we want to commend Jasmine Crockett’s strategy of telling Republican beltway media like the Atlantic to go eat shit. Democrats are going to have to start getting mean with the press. As we’ve learned from Trump, it’s the only thing they respect. More: Semafor

Note 10: Whoa. Trump has aged John Roberts by 10,000 years. This man looks like the result of a voodoo curse.

Note 11: You know what Democratic voters were doing last night while Trump was lying and ranting? They were winning elections. Yeah, baby. More: The Hill, The Hill II

Note 12: More snow? No thank you. We’ve had quite enough. Y’all be safe out there. More: NBC News

Note 13: This really, really sucks. Martin Short, one of the greatest comedic actors of all time, lost his daughter yesterday. We’ve seen quite a few stories like this lately, and we just want to remind y’all that the number to call if you’re in crisis or thinking of self-harm is 988. Or email us. Whichever, just please be good to yourself. We need you around. Our deepest sympathies to Mr. Short. More: NBC News

Note 14: We’re gonna need everyone to double and triple check their voter registration. And DO NOT rely on the Post Office for shit. More: BoltsMag

Note 15: Well this is fucked up. You think CNN sucks now, just wait until these two nutsacks are running it…

Note 16: Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith says not to worry if you can’t afford beef because there are “so many proteins to choose from.” Um ok. Who thinks Cindy should eat shit? More: Mississippi Free Press

Note 17: Remember how Trump goons raided a Washington Post reporter’s home and stole her phone and laptop? Well a judge isn’t letting the goons rifle through her constitutionally-protected shit just yet. More: NBC News

Note 18: Don’t worry too much about the State of the Union. It will all be forgotten when we go to war with Iran this weekend. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to fete our president, Flavor Flav. This man is a goddamn national treasure and a true champion for women’s sports.

Note 20: And on that fantastic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week and didn’t watch any of that shitshow last night. If you did, we’re sorry about all the IQ points you lost. Love y’all!

Say it louder!
Mike Little Johnson seems very worried about losing the House. So it’s weird that he would cut an ad for us. We have big elections this year, and Trump’s lies can’t save him. Thanks to the Speaker of the House for this clip…

Now that’s a speech
Everyone in politics knows that the State of the Union response is a trap. It has ended political careers. Marco Rubio was gonna be the Republican nominee until he couldn’t stop drinking water and looking like a scared chode. But last night, Virginia Gov. Abigail Spanberger broke the curse. The guv delivered a barn-burner last night, calling out Trump on every front from affordability to Epstein. She knocked it out of the park. We’ve seen national Republicans going after her like crazy, and now we know why. They are correct to be afraid of her. Great job, guv!

What he didn’t say
While the limp-weiner losers of the beltway media fall all over themselves to portray Trump as disciplined, we’ve decided to focus on what we think was the most important thing he said last night. Or rather what he didn’t say. News organizations reported for days that Democrats would be bringing Epstein survivors to the speech. Trump knew they were there. Still, he didn’t say a word about them. Not a word of encouragement or sympathy. Not even an acknowledgement they existed. That should have been the lede for every news story covering last night. So why the fuck wasn’t it? More: The Daily Beast

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth gave Anthropic’s CEO a Friday deadline to open the company’s artificial intelligence technology for unrestricted military use or risk losing its government contract, according to a person familiar with their meeting Tuesday. More: Associated Press

Sen. Ted Cruz on Tuesday endorsed against a fellow Texas Republican in Congress, backing state Rep. Steve Toth over Rep. Dan Crenshaw ahead of next week’s primary. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — Phil Collins, Mariah Carey, Lauryn Hill, INXS, Iron Maiden, Luther Vandross and Shakira are some the 2026 nominees for induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, a wide net that includes rap, metal, R&B, hip-hop, Britpop, blues rock and pop. More: Associated Press

HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — The United States has said it will begin winding down health assistance to Zimbabwe after the collapse of negotiations on a proposed multi-million-dollar bilateral funding agreement. More: HuffPost

MEXICO CITY, Feb 24 (Reuters) - Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum said on Tuesday she is considering legal action following a comment by tech billionaire Elon Musk, the world’s richest man, that alleged she was connected to drug cartels. More: HuffPost