Habeas who?

It’s Thursday. There are 390 days until the midterm elections. Hoping a peace deal sticks, the president’s DMs and Trump is a sick f**k.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we can tell John Fetterman to eat shit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! One of the weird things about Trumpland is all the stuff we used to like that we now hate. We call it the Kanye Effect. For example, for years we were big C-SPAN fans. Hell, Sam used to appear on there quite a bit. But then they started airing Trump’s hate rallies uninterrupted and without context and we started to see how the cable stalwart had been weaponized by fascists. So we figured fuck C-SPAN. Until this morning…

Oh damn. Mike Little Johnson just got a swirlie on live television. Remember swirlies? They’re when you take some loser, hold him upside-down and dunk his head in the toilet while flushing it. And Little Johnson took several of them this morning. Because this is what happens when these asshole freaks leave their asshole freak bubble and encounter real Americans. This morning we heard Americans call Johnson a liar, ask him if he’s ever stood up to Trump on anything and straight up call him out for covering up for Epstein. He was fully exposed as the soulless little shit that he is. It was fucking beautiful.

So thank you, C-SPAN, and thank you, America. We’ve been desperate to see some reality break through, and it looks like the Trump shutdown might actually do it. Keep calling, keep cussing and keep fighting. And fuck Little Johnson. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Need some therapy but missed us yesterday? Don’t worry. You can check out the recording here. We are REALLY excited about this John Candy doc that drops tomorrow.

Note three: John Fetterman went on Fox News this morning and said he will lead the effort to get Trump a Nobel Peace Prize if Trump really ends the wars in Gaza and Ukraine. Someone should tell Uncle Fester that Trump is murdering fishermen and using the military against his own fucking people. More: AOL

Note four: Here’s a tip for the White House press — instead of repeatedly asking Trump if he’ll invoke the Insurrection Act, how about ask him if he wants to start another Civil War. Or would that be too fucking honest? More: NBC News

Note five: We seriously can’t get over how much we needed this. What a sociopathic little bitch-weasel.

Note six: Trump met with a bunch of fake journalists yesterday to talk about Antifa. It was dumb and weird and, at one point, really fucking creepy. Viva Antifa! More: HuffPost

Note seven: We don’t think we’ve ever talked this much about Mike Little Johnson. Hell, nobody has. But here he is breaking with Trump on pardoning child-rapist Ghislaine Maxwell. Of course Mike is also helping to cover up Maxwell’s crimes so fuck him. More: Mediaite

Note eight: Trump told the New York Yankees they were going to win the World Series. They were eliminated last night. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Senate Democrats tried to stop Trump from murdering Venezuelan fishermen yesterday. Senate Republicans got in the way. Psychos. More: Associated Press

Note 10: The president thinking Habeas Corpus is a person would be really funny if it wasn’t fucking horrifying. It’s like in Step Brothers when Will Ferrell says he used to smoke pot with Johnny Hopkins.

Note 11: We like Swalwell, and we’re grateful for the way he fights. But man, unless something is really about to happen, then it is not cool to get the resistance’s hopes up like this. As we learned from Mueller, ain’t nobody coming to save us except us. More: The Hill

Note 12: There was a big debate in New Jersey last night and Democrat Mikie Sherrill wiped the floor with the Trump scum she’s up against. Let’s do this, Garden State! More: NBC News

Note 13: State Rep. Justin Pearson is getting in the primary against U.S. Rep. Steve Cohen. This is why we stay out of primaries. Because we really like both dudes. More: NBC News

Note 14: Paul Finebaum and Laura Loomer are fighting. If you don’t know who either of them is, then we are super jealous. More: Mediaite

Note 15: Yessssss, Hakeem. This is the way!!!

Note 16: We’ve talked a lot today about people dunking on Little Johnson, and we’d like to thank Sens. Mark Kelly and Ruben Gallego for getting in on the action. More: NBC News

Note 17: We just saw Marjorie Taylor Greene on CNN talking about the importance of covering the Obamacare subsidies. Man, we are sooooo fucking confused. How stupid is the Republican shutdown if even this dumbass gets it?! More: The Independent

Note 18: We want to encourage you to not click on this link. It’s a story about Trump supporters Candace Owens and Dinesh D’Souza fighting until the point that we learn that Dinesh is into watching animals fuck. Seriously. Don’t click on it. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Chicago. With the news media focused on D.C. and Trump, it can be easy to wonder if real Americans are doing anything about the explosion of fascism in their country. The answer is FUCK YES THEY ARE!!! Thank you to everyone in Chicago who has been out in the streets making their voices heard!!!

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week, especially considering how much everything sucks. Love y’all!

Fingers crossed
Let’s start with the obvious — we’re not giving Trump credit for shit. That said, we are hoping like hell this deal between Israel and Hamas holds. We want the hostages released, and we want this fucking war to end. But we’re also cautious in our optimism. Why? Because we’re talking about Bibi, Hamas and Trump, and we don’t trust a fucking word from any of them. Still, fingers crossed. No more starving babies bombed! More: NBC News

DMs (Dumb Motherfuckers)
So remember when Trump posted on Truth Social a command to Pam Bondi to start going after his political enemies and it looked like a DM but then the White House said he meant to do it? Well it was a DM. And Trump was surprised to learn that it went public. This is good news for Jim Comey and the other targets because it’s really fucking obvious that Trump is going after them for vindictive reasons that have nothing to do with the law. Remember when email security was a huge fucking issue in this country? More: HuffPost

Sick fuck
Trump is going to Walter Reed for his annual check-up tomorrow. If you’re remembering that he already had his annual check-up six months ago, then you’re not alone. There is something clearly wrong with this asshole. Between The Bruise and the cankles and the rancid shit that comes out of his gross mouth, it has been obvious for a long time that Trump is a sick fuck. We would wish him well, but you know, he’s the goddamn devil. So instead we’re sending our well wishes to the poor staff at Walter Reed who have to touch this icky asshole. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Pope Leo XIV encouraged international news agencies on Thursday to stand firm as a bulwark against the “ancient art of lying” and manipulation, as he strongly backed a free, independent and objective press. More: Associated Press

The FBI took personnel action against three special agents who worked in connection with former special counsel Jack Smith’s probe of Donald Trump, firing at least two, three people familiar with the matter told NBC News. More: NBC News

California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) dared podcast giant Joe Rogan to “invite” him onto The Joe Rogan Experience podcast “any time” after the comedian mocked the Democrat as a “bullsh*t artist” and claimed he “ruined” Los Angeles and the state. More: Mediaite

Federal employees who have been furloughed as a result of the government shutdown are urging Democrats not to buckle in their standoff with Republicans over government funding — even if that means they’ll be going without paychecks in the coming weeks. More: HuffPost

Republican Winsome Earle-Sears and Democrat Abigail Spanberger are slated to debate their competing visions for Virginia on Thursday in the state’s gubernatorial race. And each woman arguably has the same goal: to blame her opponent for backing the chaos in Washington. More: Associated Press

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