GOP Effs USA

It’s Wednesday. There are 489 days until the midterm elections. Trump threatens to arrest Mamdani, UPenn sells out its students to a fascist and Senate Republicans eff America.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And a whole shitload of it is aimed at Lisa Murkowski.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, there’s no sugarcoating this shit-fucking-sandwich. The Republican Party has critically wounded our country and its people. If you’re feeling discouraged today, we don’t blame you. If you’re feeling a burning hot rage that erupts in a fountain of profanity, well, you’re singing our favorite song.

Now we know you Sexy Patriots are part of the solution and not the problem, so this here opening note is for the rest of America. We hope they hear us…

Hey, America. We need to talk. You’ve got a birthday coming up, and you’re a fucking mess. You need to get your life right. We seriously can’t even look at you right now. What do you have to say for yourself? You voted to fuck over poor people, kids, Earth, veterans, every single minority, women, anyone who doesn’t want to be killed by a gun with a fucking silencer and yourself. Do you just hate yourself? Do you just hate your ugly family? Or do you just hate the rest of us that much? Look, we know you’re not that bright. We remember the time we caught you trying to stick your Florida in an electrical socket. But now you’re the couch that Vance fucks. Is that what you want to be? The couch that Vance fucks? Because that’s what you are right now. Just a soggy, unsatisfied couch filled with regret and shame and probably some kind of feathers. Get some goddamn self-respect! This is a level of self-destruction that defies stupidity, and you need to knock it off right fucking now. So please either take a firecracker and blow off your little pecker to ensure there are no more dumbshits like you or pull your head out of your ass and start being a decent non-moron. Bunch of fucking assholes.

Was that a little harsh? Yes. But we had it coming. We know you’re feeling the same rage we are, but please don’t let it turn into hopelessness. The day is coming when the couch starts fucking back. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Because it needs to be said — Lisa Murkowski can suck a fart out of our asses and then go straight to hell. More: CNN

Note three: Thank you to Rep. Jim McGovern for calling out Murkowski as a “cheap date.” More like this, please. More: The Hill

Note four: Yesterday was gross and horrifying in about 50 different ways, but the president of the United States showing off his goddamn concentration camp was near the top of the list. More: USA Today

Note five: While he was showing off America’s cruelty, Trump also threatened to arrest Zohran Mamdani. Mamdani’s response is one of the many reasons we like him so much.

Note six: Speaking of Mamdani, We were glad to see Kirsten Gillibrand apologize to him. She needed to. And we were far more impressed with the way Hochul and De Blasio said Trump would have to go through them to get to Zohran. Democrats need to rally around this man before Trump throws him in a cell. More: HuffPost

Note seven: How much of a joke is DOJ now? They just hired a fucking Jan. 6 dirtbag. And they did it just days after firing prosecutors who went after them. We might actually be fucked, y’all. More: New York Times, Yahoo

Note eight: It wasn’t all bad news yesterday. Jimmy Swaggart died. More: Associated Press

Note nine: You’ll also enjoy this story about Hope Walz firing back at crusty scarecrow Laura Ingraham. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Trump is sending Pam Bondi after CNN. Normally we’d be outraged and worried about the free press, but fuck them.

Note 11: If you pray, pray for Red Panda. The mesmerizing halftime performer injured herself last night, and we think this might be a real sign of the apocalypse. More: ESPN

Note 12: You know that thing in the opening note about not wanting to be killed by guns with silencers? Well the psychos who voted for this thing actually voted to get rid of registration fee for silencers, short-barreled rifles and short-barrelled shotguns. It’s like school shooters have great lobbyists or something. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Thank you to Rep. Brendan Boyle for calling out John Fettermanchin’s lazy ass for complaining about having to show up to work. More: The Hill

Note 14: Passed Out Pete Hegseth is fucking over Ukraine. Yeah, the Pentagon just decided not to send some weapons to Ukraine just days after one of Russia’s biggest attacks yet. It’s almost like Russia runs our Pentagon. Almost. More: Associated Press

Note 15: The ADP jobs report came out this morning for June, and it ain’t great. Here’s Fox News seeing the numbers and then immediately ignoring them…

Note 16: We’re so goddamn mad about this we could spit. CBS is paying a $16 million bribe to Trump even though they didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, they are not apologizing or saying they did anything wrong. So what’s the bribe for? A fucking corporate merger. RIP to a once great news channel. More: NBC News

Note 17: We have no fucking idea who this mouth-breading inbred shithead is who wants to insult and threaten Beyonce and we think we’ll keep it that way. More: The Cut

Note 18: Yesterday at a Florida concentration camp, Trump and DeSantis and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s boyfriend talked about what it must be like to date Marjorie. If you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna go take a Silkwood shower to get that knowledge off of us. God these people are so fucking weird and gross. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to San Diego, where it looks like Democrats have taken control of the County Board of Supervisors after Democrat Paloma Aguirre beat a Republican in yesterday’s election. This is good news for SD and bad news for ICE. More: Axios

Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are keeping your heads up even though shit really sucks right now. We know it ain’t easy, but please remember you’re not alone. And remember that both Jimmy Swaggart and Henry Kissinger are dead. Love y’all!

The Big Apple and the worm
Donald Trump has declared war on Zohran Mamdani, and it’s really disgusting. After threatening to arrest Mamdani yesterday, Trump then took to Truth Social to tell his cult that he’s “not going to let this Communist Lunatic destroy New York.” In true dick-tator form, Trump said “I hold all the levers, and have all the cards.” As we mentioned earlier, it’s great to see Democrats like Hochuel and De Blasio standing up for Mamdani, and we know he can take care of himself. But it’s pretty fucking chilling that the president of the United States is openly threatening to interfere in elections and have Democrats arrested. Thank goodness the press talked so much about fracking during the campaign last year. More: Axios

Pathetic Penn
Under threat from Trump, the University of Pennsylvania stuck a knife in the backs of its students, selling them out to try and avoid the wrath of bigoted losers. In an announcement yesterday, the school said that it is stripping all honors and records from Lia Thomas and other trans athletes and that they will no longer be able to compete for the school. The university is even writing letters of apology to human garbage like Riley Gaines, the pathetic shiteater who came in fifth place behind Thomas and then made a whole career out of being a whiny sore loser. Why would anyone send their kids to a school that would sell them out like this? Trump wanted to destroy the Ivies, and it’s working. Fuck UPenn. More: The Hill

Fuck fuck fuck
Well, the U.S. Senate screwed America big time. Now we’re waiting to see if the House goes along with this nightmare, and it seems safe to assume they will. Despite the grumbling and whining of a few freaks, House Republicans always fall in line after a phone call from Trump. We doubt this will be any different. Trump wants this piece of shit bill done by the Fourth of July, and we’re guessing his cult will deliver. But it ain’t over yet, so please keep working the phones. And if you want to call Lisa Murkowski for the hell of it, we’re cool with that too. The bill passed out of House Rules last night, and Democrats like Maxwell Frost and Jim McGovern let those fuckers know how evil it is. Mike Little Johnson is warning that weather and travel delays might screw with their timing, so let’s hope that’s true. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
The Wisconsin Supreme Court’s liberal majority struck down the state’s 176-year-old abortion ban on Wednesday, ruling 4-3 that it was superseded by a newer state law that criminalizes abortions only after a fetus can survive outside the womb. More: WTOP

Tesla reported another record plunge in sales Wednesday, as brand damage from CEO Elon Musk’s political activities and increased competition continued to batter the once fast-growing electric car maker. More: CNN

Chris West was sworn in as the president of the National Sheriffs’ Association on June 26. West is the sheriff of Canadian County, Oklahoma. He’s also an ardent supporter of President Trump who traveled to Washington D.C. to join the thousands who protested Trump’s election loss on Jan. 6, 2021. More: TPM

Flint has replaced most of its lead water pipes, more than ten years after contaminated water was found in the Michigan city's water system, prompting national outrage. More: NBC News

“Sen. Lisa Murkowski stares me down for more than 10 secs after I ask her to respond to Sen. Rand Paul’s critique of the deal she struck to get her to a YES and pass the OBBB,” Nobles wrote. More: HuffPost

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