Goofus vs. Gallant

It’s Thursday. There are 117 days until the midterm elections. The trouble with bribe jets, a huge number in Texas and it’s time for Trump to pay E. Jean.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And there’s nothing it can do, but total eclipse of the heart.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, if we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a million times — the only good thing about Trump is that he makes heroes out of everyday Americans. We’ve seen it for years now. Unlikely folks with no power showing strength and courage and signing up to run for office at a time when their nation needs them. It’s a huge sacrifice, and we have so much respect for all the good people who have heeded the calling and put their names on the ballot. We’ve also seen lots of fucking assholes run.

Ugh. Well this whole thing has sure been unpleasant. Long time readers will remember a few years ago when we realized that we are basically the odd couple from Highlights Magazine, Goofus and Gallant. (Don’t worry. It’s not mean. Sam made peace with being a Goofus a long time ago.) Basically Adam is a Gallant, a Boy Scout and an all-around good dude and family man and Sam has long been a degenerate lunatic who was never meant for polite society. Why are we telling you this? Well, we think it’s a good rule of thumb for Democrats going forward — Gallant should run for office; Goofus should write cussing newsletters.

Seriously, how many times are we gonna shoot off our own fucking feet while trying to withstand the powerful forces of fascism? It’s like fighting with one hand tied behind our hot asses and the other stuck in a desk fan. We know there are a lot of people out there who want to step up and run. And we really appreciate that. But before you do, just ask yourself “Am I a fucking asshole?” If the answer is yes, let someone else do it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy today? The only time we can do it is during the France vs. Morocco game, so we’ll try not to take too long. How does 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT sound? Great! We’ll see you then.

Note three: We woke up to the sad news this morning that singer Bonnie Tyler died. Total Eclipse of the Heart is an all-time banger. RIP. More: Yahoo News

Note four: So what’s next in Maine? Well that July 13 deadline to switch candidates is a fucking gift and so they’re going to throw together a nominating convention. We can still beat Collins. We just have to stop beating ourselves first. More: KTUL

Note five: Hey we found some of that communism Trump keeps talking about.

Note six: Trump says he doesn’t know if Mitch McConnell is alive. But that’s not really news because Trump doesn’t know shit about shit. More: WHAS11

Note seven: Trump is refusing disaster aid to blue states. Imagine how this would be covered if a Democratic president did this to red states. More: Politico

Note eight: Karolie Leavitt had some harsh words for Gen Z, calling them lazy and entitled. Hey, KKKaroline, we can’t all marry rich old dudes. But we’ve sure tried. More: Yahoo

Note nine: David Hearn is being arraigned today. We hope when this is over that he sues the federal government for this obvious harassment. More: NBC News

Note 10: As many social media users pointed out, Trump was being told to pay the woman he sexually abused and defamed around the same time JD said this bullshit…

Note 11: We are not going to stop asking questions about Nolan Wells. Because this situation is insanely dark and fucked up. We’re sending love to his poor family. More: People

Note 12: We’re also going to be talking about Lorenzo Salgado Araujo. He’s the father of three who ICE just murdered. More: AP

Note 13: Hey btw we’re at war again and Trump has zero clue what the fuck he’s doing. There is no plan. None. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Remember yesterday when Trump kept confusing Zelensky for Putin and then said we’d been attacked by Japan? None of that made any front pages today. It’s almost like the mainstream media have a different standard for Trump. Fucking assholes.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 15: Trump really, really sucks at EVERYTHING…

Note 16: Remember that Wisconsin judge who tried to help an immigrant escape from ICE. Well she was found guilty, but she won’t have to do any jail time. We still think she did the right thing. More: AP

Note 17: This one made us a little weepy. Rob Reiner was nominated posthumously for an Emmy Award. More: People

Note 18: We’d like to thank the (foreign) reporter who asked the NATO chief if all that ass-kissing is hurting his self-respect. We wish American reporters were this gutsy and direct. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, it’s not that happy but we just want to listen to this song on repeat all day. Y’all know the words. Join us! “FOREVER’S GONNA START TONIGHT!” More: YouTube

Note 20: And on that haunting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Our apologies to the Sexy Patriots who have no fucking idea who Goofus and Gallant were. Hopefully the context worked. Love y’all!

Turbulence

Trump spent the last two weeks showing off his bribe jet from Qatar that we all paid to spruce up. But he had to take a different plane home from Turkey because he didn’t actually put all the security on the plane that Air Force One needs. We’re actually fine with that, but the Secret Service was not. The White House press were wondering just how many specific threats they should be worried about, but Trump told them if he dies then they do too. That must have been comforting to hear.

More: The Guardian

Everything’s Bigger in Texas

While the national news media have focused on Graham Platner and ignored career criminal Ken Paxton, Democratic voters have not. Democratic candidate James Talarico put up an enormous $30 million second-quarter fundraising haul, which we believe is a record. We keep seeing clips that suggest lingering hard feelings from the primary, and we really hope our concerns are overblown. Because it will take everyone to stop Paxton. And surely we can all get on the same page about the importance of doing so. Thanks to everyone who chipped in!

More: Texas Tribune

SHOW HER THE MONEY!

Last night, the Second Circuit Court of Appeals denied Trump’s latest attempt to delay paying E. Jean Carroll what he owes her for sexually abusing and defaming her. We’re a little fuzzy on where we are or what happens next, but our understanding is the funds have been held in an escrow account and should be released to Carroll soon if not already. Trump will no doubt keep filing appeals, but surely the end of the road is in sight. We’d like to again thank E. Jean for her courage and persistence in seeking justice.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Actor Patrick Dempsey said Wednesday that he will not run for a Maine Senate seat, quashing speculation that the “Grey’s Anatomy” star and People magazine’s former Sexiest Man Alive was among those being considered to replace embattled Democratic nominee Graham Platner. More: AP

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — A member of a federal crime-fighting task force in Memphis shot and killed a person there on Wednesday, the second fatal shooting by a task force member in four days, and the fourth death involving the unit since it started in September. More: AP

Ukrainian drones hit more Russian oil facilities and set two oil tankers ablaze in the Sea of Azov on Thursday, a day after President Donald Trump pledged to grant Kyiv a license to manufacture the Patriot air defense systems to protect its cities. More: NBC News