Go Off, Scott

It’s Tuesday. There are 154 days until the midterm elections. A not-so-intelligent Intel pick, California goes to the polls and a hero rises at CBS.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell you Bill Pulte is an asshole.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another stupid day in the shit! We hope you remembered to wear your galoshes. We’re sorry to start off so negative today, but things are really, really dumb and getting even dumber. So we’re gonna do something a little different today. Instead of pointing out something stupid and horrifying and making fun of it, we’re gonna show you something awesome and cute…

Well that’s just fucking adorable. We know not everyone loves Mayor Mamdani or the New York Knicks, but goddamn we needed something positive and we sure appreciate Zo coming through. It’s a good reminder that not everything or everyone sucks, and there are good people out there who love this country and want to actually help people. And holy fucking shit did we ever need that reminder.

So as we share today’s news about white supremacists, morons and traitors, try to remember that there is still cute and heartwarming shit in the world that Trump hasn’t fucked up yet. And then protect that shit at all costs. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: There was reporting yesterday that Trump is backing off his slush fund for cop-beaters and pedophiles. But nobody believes a goddamn word he says anymore, so the lawsuits are still on. Still, it’s nice to know that even this crap was too gross for the GOP. More: Politico

Note three: Trump spent yesterday calling up gullible reporters and telling them he has grown bored with Iran and doesn’t care what happens there. For literally any other president, this shit would have been career-ending. More: CNBC

Note four: Pete Hegseth continued his racist bullshit at the Pentagon. He has again denied promotions to Black people and women. For some reason, the New York Times is referring to this as anti-DEI instead of just calling it racist as fuck. More: People

Note five: Speaking of shocking racism, what the fuck, Vivek?! We knew this guy sucked, but holy shit.

Note six: Todd Blanche is testifying this afternoon in front of the House. We hope he has a terrible day. More: The Times Tribune

Note seven: Axios is reporting that Trump cussed out Bibi. Yeah, sure. Trump is a big tough independent guy who definitely started a dumb war in the Middle East on his own. And just a reminder that Axios has reported almost daily for weeks that Trump is about to make a deal to end the war. So you probably shouldn’t believe jack shit from them. More: Axios

Note eight: Pride Month is starting with a bang! A judge ruled that Trump’s attack on trans service members is discriminatory. Yeah, no shit. More: ABC News

Note nine: It’s a big Election Day in a lot of states. While we’ve been focused on California, make sure you follow the other big stuff too. More: Bolts Mag

Note 10: We don’t usually do two back-to-back video posts, but we think it works here. The first video is of Greg “Little Bitch” Bovino talking to a bunch of nazis…

Note 11: And the second is Markwayne saying he has no idea who the fuck Bovino is lolololol…

Note 12: We forgot to ask — are y’all rooting for the Knicks or the Spurs? Or do you not give a shit because you can’t focus on anything except the deaths of democracy and decency?

Note 13: We don’t love or understand why Jill Biden has made her husband’s health a headline story again, but we will always have affection for the Biden family. So we hate sharing this update on the former president’s health, but we figured you should know. More: HuffPost

Note 14: And since we’re talking about the Bidens, we want to congratulate Hunter on seven years of sobriety. God knows he’s done a lot of dumb shit, but so has Sam. More: US Magazine

Note 15: In case we haven’t been clear on this point, Jared Polis sucks and we fucking hate him. Literally everyone knew what would happen if he let Tina Peters out of jail and now here she is being the worst and undermining our democracy. Fuck all the way off, Jared.

Note 16: There is a Republican member of Congress who has been missing for months. He might be in rehab. He might be dead. Nobody knows. So of course Trump just endorsed the guy for reelection. More: HuffPost

Note 17: If you thought Bill Maher was pathetic for kissing Trump’s ass, just wait until you see him eat Spencer Pratt’s shit. Someone wanna get Bill some self-respect? What a fucking loser. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Both Rubio and Markwayne are testifying today. We sure hope our people are ready to make them miserable. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Ben Shapiro. No, really. You see, Ben’s media empire is going down the shitter and that brings us much joy. Fuck off, Ben! More: Vox

Note 20: And on that note of schadenfreude, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week so far. And if not, just remember that not everyone is a Donald. Some people are a Zohran. Love y’all!

Wut

We never properly celebrated the fact that Tulski Gabbard got her walking papers. Maybe because we figured the next hire would be worse. And we were right. Trump announced this morning that he put the Freddie Fannie guy who tried to go after Letitia James in charge of our national intelligence. Not only is Bill Pulte dangerously unqualified for this gig, but we know his only qualification is that he is willing to shamelessly go after anyone Trump doesn’t like. Frankly, we like that Trump is in this stage of desperation. It’s terrible for America and the world, but it makes clear what a weak loser he is.

More: CNBC

Speak up, Golden State!

It’s Election Day in California! Golden Staters are going to the polls to nominate candidates up and down the ballot, including candidates to replace outgoing Gov. Gavin Newsom. We’re really hoping that the state’s voters are able to shut out Republican candidates in the gubernatorial and L.A. mayoral races because we can’t stand the thought of spending the next several months hearing about how the state is going red. And Spencer Pratt is a fucking asshole who needs to lose badly. Do the right thing, California! (While we stay out of primaries, Sam is a Californian now and, if it helps, he voted for Becerra and Bass.)

More: AP, ABC7

Go off, Scott!

The new head of CBS’s 60 Minutes thought he would throw some bagels at the staff and give them some bullshit about his love of the show. Scott Pelley had other ideas. In a widely reported showdown, Pelley went off on Nick Bilton, the lackey Bari Weiss hired to turn the news magazine into a Trumpified joke. These are the kinds of guts we have been begging journalists to show for years now, and we are so grateful to everyone there who is holding the line and calling out the bullshit. It’s so easy to be heroic in Trump’s America. All you have to do is stay off your knees.

More: AP

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin is slated to appear Tuesday in the Senate to answer questions about the agency’s budget, at a time of intense scrutiny about how the Trump administration is carrying out immigration enforcement and preparing for the World Cup. More: AP

California Democrats persuaded voters to let them redraw the state’s congressional map so the party could potentially gain five seats in the U.S. House to counter GOP redistricting in Texas. Tuesday’s primary will be the first indication of whether that will pay off. More: AP

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Iowa Democrats on Tuesday will settle one of the party’s last competitive U.S. Senate primaries, choosing between two state lawmakers who each say he is better poised to flip a retiring Republican’s seat. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders said Monday that he is standing by Graham Platner in the wake of media reports that the Maine Senate candidate previously exchanged sexually explicit text messages with several women while he was married. More: AP

A federal judge on Monday ruled protesters criticizing President Donald Trump in an ongoing demonstration near the National Mall in Washington, D.C., cannot be forced to take down a flag reading “86 47,” concluding there is no indication it should be taken as a threat to the 47th president’s life. More: HuffPost