Forever?!

It’s Tuesday. There are 245 days until the midterm elections. Minnie ain’t done with Bovino, the White House press flush the last of their credibility and Trump says America can fight ‘forever.’

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t get soldiers killed and then talk about a goddamn ballroom.

Note: For the last 10 years, Sexy Patriots, the answers were easy to come by. You could answer almost any question by saying A. He’s an idiot. B. He’s a racist. C. He’s a rapist. Or D. They’re all idiots. It was a pretty clever hack. But now we live in a world with far more questions than answers. Just yesterday we were forced to ask why the hell our country is at war again? Why are our soldiers dying? Does Trump have any idea what’s going on? AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT ON HIS NECK?!!!!

Dear god, the herpes done teamed up with the gonorrhea and the crabs for a new STD they’re just calling Mar-a-Lago Raging Cootie Neck. Looks like it itches and stinks, don’t it? We bet the rash isn’t fun either. Yeah, we don’t know what that is, and since we’re not Republicans, we won’t do a reddit search and then pretend to be doctors. Instead, we’ll focus on the answer we’re all about to get.

Tonight we’re probably gonna find out who won the Democratic primary in Texas. We don’t have to tell y’all this one has been a bruiser. That’s how you know we’re gonna do great in the midterms — people REALLY want to be the nominee. Even in fucking Texas. And that’s a good thing, Sexy Patriots. So please, please, pretty please with sugar on top be ready to put your hurt feelings aside come Wednesday and work your hot asses off for whomever wins. It’s a good problem to have too many great candidates. So let’s get on the same team and focus on the real and bad problems, of which there are many. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: No matter who you are voting for, make a plan to vote! Check and double-check your registration and then get out there and make it count. And please remember to not vote for any fascist fuckheads. More: Bolts Mag

Note three: If you’re voting in North Carolina today, remember to take your driver’s license with you in case you need a provisional ballot.

Note four: Kristi Noem is testifying in front of the Senate today. Guess that means Corey has the day off. More: NPR

Note five: Speaking of testifying, House Republicans released the videos of the Clintons’ depositions. It didn’t go great for the Republicans. Some free advice for our GOP friends — don’t send a Boebert to take on a badass.

Note six: Props to the law firms who didn’t fall to their knees and surrender. Trump is a punk and all you have to do is stand up to him. Which is not a great quality for someone who likes to start dumb wars. More: CBC.CA

Note seven: Bad news for Americans in Israel. America says they’re on their own. Probably should have seen this coming tbh. <More: HuffPost

Note eight: The American death toll from the Epstein War is up to six now. No one seems to know what they died for. More: CNN

Note nine: Super corrupt Trump scum Ryan Zinke is not running for reelection to Congress. So let’s take his seat. And what’s left of his dignity. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Want your blood to boil? Then watch this motherfucker talk about his drapes while our troops are dying…

Note 11: Another Jan. 6 asshole is going back to the clink. Maybe Trump should get questions about all the criminals he put back on the streets. More: NBC News

Note 12: Trump’s boss Bibi went on Hannity last night to glaze Cankles and bullshit Americans some more. Wonder how many kids he’ll kill today. More: Politico

Note 13: The MAGA crowd is having a very hard time right now. This is why you shouldn’t put your faith in a gameshow host who keeps bragging about all the cognitive exams he’s aced.

Note 14: Democratic Rep. Angie Craig now says she regrets her vote to fund ICE and hurt her home state. We’re glad that losing a primary is helping her see the light, but this bullshit is too little too late for Renee and Alex. More: MPR News

Note 15: This stuff with Savannah Guthrie’s mom has us wrecked. How the fuck is no one blaming our joke of an FBI? More: USA Today

Note 16: SCOTUS went back to being SHIT-us last night, dropping two Republican decisions that will hurt trans kids and fuck with New York’s congressional maps. Man do we ever hate these assholes. More: HuffPost, CNBC

Note 17: We know everyone is worried about WWIII, but everybody can chill because this clueless moron is on the case for some reason. We really don’t care. Do U?

Note 18: Kesha is calling out the White House. And their Epstein cover-up. So yeah, we just became even bigger Kesha fans. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re gonna stick with the music beat and congratulate Bad Bunny on this amazing achievement. Also, please show this to your MAGA friends and neighbors so their fucking heads explode.

Note 20: And on that victorious note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all are hanging in there this week and not slowly being eaten alive by some sexually-contracted rash on your neck. Love y’all!

Not so fast, Greg
Well this one is music to our ears. Greg “the Gasser” Bovino has largely disappeared after being asked to leave Minnesota and then being asked to leave a bar in Vegas. But like they said in Game of Thrones, the North remembers. The Hennepin County Attorney is collecting evidence and investigated 17 incidents that could result in criminal charges. Bovino was unafraid as he happily and casually deployed tear gas canisters on tape. Maybe he’ll be afraid now. Let’s hope this is the start of a shitload of accountability. More: Associated Press

We’re the media now
Sigh. It ain’t like the White House press corps has done a good job covering Trump or standing up for themselves. But goddamn this is pathetic. We learned yesterday from a Truth Social post that Trump will attend this year’s White House Correspondents Dinner. So they same guy who had his thugs raid a WaPo reporter’s home, who gets death threats sent to their homes and who calls them “Piggy” will now be feted by the same fuckers who are supposed to be our watchdogs. This is why you don’t hear reporters asking Trump specific questions about Epstein. This is why there’s no pushback when he lies. They’re all in a club. And we ain’t. We haven’t seen the menu yet, but we know for dessert they’ll be eating orange ass. Fucking losers. More: Associated Press

Forever?
After bragging about his goddamn drapes yesterday, Trump went back to calling reporters individually to offer competing and idiotic reasons for starting a war. But he really got our attention with a Truth Social post that declared America has enough munitions so that “wars can be fought ‘forever.’” Let us be very clear in ways the mainstream media are not — Donald Trump started a war of choice for no clear reason that has already gotten American troops killed, and he has zero plan for what comes next. He even said he doesn’t have “the yips” about putting boots on the ground. In case you don’t know, the yips is a sports term that usually applies to a golfer who suddenly can’t putt anymore. So this is very clearly thought through. That’s why every single poll shows that Americans didn’t want this. It’s also probably why the only Republican who keeps showing up on tv to sell this dumb shit is an idiot named Markwayne. More: The Hill, ABC News

Today’s clips
NEW YORK (AP) — Robert De Niro will appear this week at Carnegie Hall, where he will recite excerpts from a Philip Glass symphony about Abraham Lincoln that the composer once intended to stage at the Kennedy Center. More: Associated Press

Stock futures plunged and energy prices soared Tuesday as fears spread through global markets that the Iran war may bring prolonged disruption. More: NBC News

Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., and two other Democratic lawmakers demanded more information Monday about what Trump administration officials discussed with Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos hours before the streaming giant pulled out of the bidding war for Warner Bros. Discovery. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — The average price for a gallon of gasoline jumped 11 cents overnight to about $3.11 in the U.S., according to motor club AAA. More: KGET

Sen. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) was vociferously mocked Monday for comments he made about the “smell” of war despite never serving in the military, much less combat, himself. More: Mediaite