Flesh-Eating Screwworms

It’s Thursday. There are 152 days until the midterm elections. The slush fund ain’t dead, House Democrats score a victory for peace and don’t forget about Ohio.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s becoming a Knicks fan.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Ready for something different today? Y’all know that we stay out of primaries. We figure it’s the smart thing to do since we don’t like pissing off our friends and we figure people should make up their own minds about who will be their champions. But today we are making an exception. It’s not really a primary, but we are ready to make an endorsement… We are officially backing Hunter Biden over Jake Tapper…

Get his ass, Hunter!!! Yeah, while Trump attacks Jake’s colleagues and fucks up everything that isn’t nailed to the floor, Hunter Biden has been calling Jake’s bitch ass out. And we are here for every last second of it. The current president has rotting plums for hands and eyes that are about to slide off his face and hit the floor, and Tapper is still talking about Joe fucking Biden. So we came up with an idea. Tapper vs. Hunter Biden in Trump’s stupid goddamn fighting cage. We can call it “Crack vs. Hack.” Ok fine we’ll keep workshopping the name.

And when it’s over, Jake can write a book called “I Got My Ass Whooped By Hunter Biden Who is the Most Handsome and Smart Boy in the World.” Because at this point it’s obvious his cowardly ass is never gonna write one about the decomposing dipshit we’ve got in the White House now. So yeah, fuck him up, Hunter. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did y’all miss therapy yesterday? We’re gonna do another one tomorrow, but you can get caught up here. Stay until the end to hear Sam’s super embarrassing hockey story. You can find the comments from the live here!

Note three: Speaking of hockey, we’re sorry to the Sexy Patriots who wish we’d talk more about the Stanley Cup. We just don’t follow pro hockey that closely. But that might change now that Trump wants to get his loser stank all over the NBA. Seems like he’d be worried about being confused for the ball. More: USA Today

Note four: Despite fuckhead’s intrusion, Knicks fans are big happy today. And we’re happy for them. Is there anything Mamdani can’t do? More: ESPN

Note five: It’s a helluva thing to watch this and then see that one of CNN’s biggest anchors is more obsessed with Jill Biden…

Note six: As predicted by pretty much everyone, Trump is now screaming that fraud is happening in California’s elections. Everyone saw this coming. So maybe California should find a way to speed this shit up. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We are still waiting for results in the Golden State, but we’d like to once again thank the selfish, delusional Democrats who stayed in the gubernatorial race, splitting up the vote and possibly helping a Trump Republican advance. We’re looking at you, Katie Porter. More: KTLA, KTLA

Note eight: Today’s headline is brought to you by the latest sign of the apocalypse — screwworms. Yeah, it’s another plague that is gonna wreak havoc while Trump plays golf. We can only assume that right now the HHS Secretary is hard at work trying to figure out how to have sex with these things. More: NBC News

Note nine: You know what we have in common with Albanians? We both hate Jared Kushner. More: The Guardian

Note 10: This gives us joy. Because it must be really freaking out the chodes…

Note 11: Trump wants his defense attorney to be the full-time AG. All we can say is Senate Democrats better bring their fucking A-games. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Two children were killed in Gaza last night. And they’re still calling this bullshit a ceasefire. More: NBC News

Note 13: So look, we all hate Trump flags. But you shouldn’t murder people who hang them outside their homes. Try disapproving looks instead! More: NBC News

Note 14: We found some election fraud! Yeah, Tommy Turbeville is voting in Florida while running to be governor of Alabama. We don’t know if it’s a crime, but he’s definitely a fraud. And just a piece of shit in general. More: AL.com

Note 15: Thank you to Ted Lieu for making clear yesterday that Trump can’t stay awake and Marco Rubio is a lying shitstain…

Note 16: Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, whose grandfather was a literal nazi soldier, got caught lying about being assaulted yesterday by a tiny little Code Pink activist. Shame on you, Lying Luna! More: TMZ

Note 17: If you’re a hoops fan like us and you want to lose hours of your day, check this out 82-0.com. You should be warned though that this is basically the new crack.

Note 18: Tony Dickface honored Scott Pelley last night. We’re sure Pelley appreciated that fake niceness from Bari Weiss’s top ass-kisser. Eat shit, Tony. More: Variety

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Chicago. Excitement is building around the opening of the Obama Presidential Library and we thought this part was especially cool…

Note 20: And on that not-so-scandalous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. Unless you’re Jake Tapper, in which case you can fuck all the way off and then go fuck yourself. Love y’all!

Flush the Slush

Todd Blanche went before Congress this week and said Trump’s slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles is dead. Then yesterday Trump made clear he’s still trying to give them our money. Thanks to questioning from Kaitlin Collins, we know that Trump still wants to pay off his dirtbag friends with our money despite claims from the administration that they were letting it go. Keep the heat up because this is fucking bullshit.

More: MS Now, New Republic

Well done!

It has taken four tries and it still has miles to go, but a measure to limit Trump’s war powers finally passed the House yesterday, and Trump is really pissed off about it. Four Republicans joined our people, and Trump spent last night attacking them on twitter. But this is basis civics shit. We’ve always known that only Congress has the power to declare war. But thanks to the war on terror, politicians decided that the vote to go into Iraq was all they needed to wage perpetual war. Congress needs to take that power back. Especially from this deranged asshole.

More: HuffPost

O-H!

We’ve been so focused on Texas and Iowa that we haven’t been giving enough love to a big Senate race in Ohio. Sherrod Brown, one of the best damn senators we’ve ever had, is attempting a comeback against one of Trump’s d-bags. And in the governor’s race, Amy Acton is trying to stop Vivek Ramaswamy from ruining the Buckeye State. Now we’ve been burned in Ohio before so color us skeptical, but we’re putting this in the news section because a new Fox News poll really got our attention. While the poll shows Acton and Vivek tied (Acton 50; Vivek 49), it shows Sherrod leading Husted 53-45. EYES EMOJI!!! So if you’re still looking for a Senate candidate to support, you might consider ol’ Sherrod.

More: Fox News

Today’s clips

A Department of Homeland Security watchdog report revealed that staff members at an ICE detention center in Louisiana used a prohibited chokehold to “gain control” of a person being held there and stabbed another in the hand with a pen when an officer could not close the door to a housing unit. More: NBC News

The leader of the Iran-backed Hezbollah militant group has rejected the latest ceasefire agreement reached between Israel and the Lebanese government, demanding a complete Israeli withdrawal. More: NBC News

Years after handing redistricting power over to an independent commission, New York Democrats want it back as they join the national map-drawing battle with an eye on the 2028 election. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Republican-led Senate is moving forward with legislation to fund immigration enforcement agencies after forcing the Trump administration to say it will drop its settlement fund for political allies and stripping a separate proposal for White House security from the bill. More: AP

Now, eight years after President Donald Trump’s forcible border separations came to an official halt following global outrage, an Associated Press investigation has found that the government has re-separated dozens of children from their families, despite a landmark legal settlement meant to keep them together. Some of their parents have been locked in immigration detention facilities for months, others deported back to their home countries after being taken from their families once again. In some cases, immigration officials conducting interior arrests deported people despite discovering they were legally off limits for removal, according to emails obtained by AP. More: AP

Ohio political blogger D.J. Byrnes, a.k.a. “The Rooster,” was arrested Monday after he allegedly sent a photo of Shrek’s penis to a state senator last month. More: HuffPost