F**k the Polis

It’s Monday. There are 169 (nice) days until the midterm elections. Marching on Selma (again), the Washington Nationals and white nationalism and all eyes on Kentucky.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never pardoned an insurrectionist piece of shit.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we don’t thank you enough for all that you do. You’re being constantly trolled by the leader of your nation, gaslit by the media and fucked over at every turn. Coffee costs a goddamn fortune, and the New York Times hates you. Still, you get up every day and go to work defending American democracy and exemplifying American decency. It’s so brave and so needed. So it really fucking pisses us off when you get sold out by someone who claimed to be on your side…

Those are our rational and civil ideas. Our other ideas involve building a giant catapult that’s capable of launching a dumb sellout motherfucker into the goddamn sun. We would also be cool with some kind of Edgar Allan Poe-like scenario where Polis is sealed inside a ripe porta potty and left there forever. So it’s probably a good thing for everyone that we’re seeing more and more progressives in Colorado call for Polis’s censure or impeachment since those are nicer ways to deal with him. Give that asshole a wedgie while you’re at it and make it atomic because fuck Polis and fuck Tina Peters.

We keep hearing all these different things Democrats have to do in order to save their brand. Well here’s an idea — stand for something and don’t be fucking wimps about it. Nobody respects a wuss. And nobody respects Jared Polis. The fucking asshole. Y’all have a blessed day. More: BBC

Note two: We have an unfortunate programming note. Sam is traveling at shitty hours tomorrow, so we’re gonna need to take the day off. We promise to be back Wednesday with all the updates. Please remember that tomorrow is an Election Day in several states, so if people are voting near you, join them and don’t vote for any assholes.

Note three: The AP is reporting this morning that Trump is withdrawing his $10 billion lawsuit against the IRS. He is instead going to use our money for a slush fund for his scummy terrorist friends. The AP is also treating this like it’s totally normal because they suck. More: Associated Press

Note four: The U.S. Supreme Court quickly told Virginia Democrats to go fuck themselves over redistricting, which everyone saw coming. The move here was to ignore the state Supreme Court, but Democrats just don’t think like that. More: NBC News

Note five: The Christian right freaks gathered in D.C. this morning. And even though Trump stood them up to go golfing, they are still praying for him. And his fucking ballroom apparently…

Note six: Bill Cassidy lost his primary this weekend after Trump went scorched Earth on him. Cassidy voted to impeach Trump after Jan. 6 but then he turned into a puss and voted to confirm the cocaine toilet seat guy. So not only is he leaving, but he’s leaving in disgrace and maybe killing lots of kids in the process. Great work, Bill. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Trump is also looking for someone to run against Lauren Boebert. Why? Because she voted to release the Epstein files. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Hey California, today is the deadline to register to vote for the June primary. California has same-day registration, but don’t fuck around. Make sure you’re registered and vote to keep the scary people out of office.

Note nine: So Ebola is back. Thanks, Elon! More: NBC News

Note 10: We want to be very clear about something — if you prefer Tucker Carlson over AOC, you are not a leftist. You are a fucking moron who is way too goddamn stupid to be playing around with politics.

Note 11: Oof. The New York Times has Trump’s approval at 37 percent. Maybe they’ll stop kissing his ass and carrying his water now. More: New York Times

Note 12: Trump is still threatening Iran and those guys don’t really seem to give a shit anymore. Yeah, after a while, everyone just starts ignoring the guy who cries civilizational devastation. More: NBC News

Note 13: We’re celebrating the Senate Parliamentarian after they ruled that Trump’s $1 billion ballroom was out of order. We’re guessing Republicans are more relieved about this than we are. The extra funding for CBP was also ruled out of order. Suck it, Trump! More: Associated Press

Note 14: We have always been big fans of Rep. Steve Cohen ever since he was a state senator in Nashville and chatting with a very young Sam in the hallways of the Tennessee state capital. Steve announced he is retiring instead of running in one of the state’s new bullshit districts. Thank you, Steve, for a lifetime of service and for all those Warren Zevon stories. More: NOTUS

Note 15: Some Trump voters are really starting to feel regret. Good. Fuck ‘em.

Note 16: Stephen Colbert’s last show is this week. Remember that CBS is not bringing him back because the network was bought by Trump scum. It’s been gratifying to watch the support Stephen has received from his fellow late-night hosts. More: Rolling Stone

Note 17: Byron Allen, who is taking over Colbert’s spot, is vowing no politics. That’s because Byron Allen is a bitch. More: Fox News

Note 18: Just a reminder that Trump spent last week groveling to the communist dictator of China and got jack shit for it. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Trump. Yeah, we were shocked too. But he doubled down on saying that he doesn’t care about Americans’ financial situations and we’re showing everyone. Keep talking, asshole!

Note 20: And on that painfully out-of-touch note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready to kick some ass this week. Unless you’re Jared Polis. Then you can eat shit, fuck off and kiss our asses. Love y’all!

We ride again
Over the weekend, thousands of Americans marched in Selma and Montgomery, Alabama. Why? Because we need them to. With Jim Crow making a comeback thanks to John Roberts and his racist court, the civil rights movement is making a comeback too. While the msm largely ignored these massive marches, voters in those areas sure didn’t. While it really and truly sucks that we are back at this place in history, this weekend was a good reminder that we have gone up against these forces of evil before. And we beat their asses. More: Alabama Reflector, India Times

Wrong Nationalism
You see some really gross shit in Trump’s America. For example, a gross right-wing chode and his buddies spent the weekend unfurling a racist banner at a Washington Nationals game. Yeah, Jan. 6 scum Jake Lang rolled out his gross banner calling for 100 million deportations right before he was kicked out and banned from the stadium. We’re seeing a crazy uptick in the number of racist influencers, and we do not like it. At least now we know we can go to a ballgame without running into them. More: The Hill

Bluegrass reckoning
Shit is getting real in Kentucky this week. Voters there will decide tomorrow if it was a good thing that Thomas Massie forced the release of the Epstein files or if they want to cover up the child rape scandal on behalf of their orange god. Massie is a nutjob, and we wouldn’t normally piss on him if he was on fire. But he has done the right thing on this Epstein business, and it will really suck if he loses. Do the right thing, Kentucky. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
The judge overseeing the state murder trial of Luigi Mangione, the man accused of gunning down UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, ruled Monday that prosecutors can use a gun and a notebook as evidence. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — House Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., weighed in Friday on domestic abuse allegations Rep. Max Miller’s ex-wife has made against the Ohio Republican, saying “he’s got to work that out.” More: NBC News

BOISE, Idaho (AP) — All four crew members ejected safely after two Navy jets collided and crashed Sunday during an air show at the Mountain Home Air Force Base in western Idaho, officials said. More: Associated Press

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — An effort to reshape South Carolina’s congressional districts will get its first full airing Monday in the state House, as lawmakers launch a lengthy and potentially testy discussion on whether to accede to President Donald Trump’s desires for a U.S. House map that could yield a clean sweep for Republicans. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Thousands of people streamed onto the National Mall for a daylong prayer rally Sunday billed as a “rededication of our country as One Nation under God.”

Against the backdrop of the Washington Monument, worship music blared from a stage that made clear the event’s Christian focus. Arched stained-glass windows, set underneath grand columns resembling a federal building, depicted the nation’s founders alongside a white cross. More: HuffPost

“Last Week Tonight” host John Oliver paid tribute to late-night rival Stephen Colbert in the closing moments of his show that aired on Sunday. More: HuffPost