Fight Club

It’s Tuesday. There are 343 days until the midterm elections. Trump messes with the wrong sailor, Lindsey Hallagan’s bad day and losing a witness to history.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So Pete Hegseth can eat shit and fuck off.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How is your holiday week going so far? You’re still dry-heaving after looking up felching yesterday? Yeah, sorry about that. Maybe we can make it up to you. For years, y’all have heard us bitch and moan about the weakness of elected Democrats who want to work across the aisle and show everyone just how fucking moderate they are. And while that was happening, democracy was getting kicked in the teeth.

Well we’re happy to report that those days are just about over…

Yessssss, Ruben. The f-bomb force is strong with this one. We feel like proud foul-mouthed parents watching our babies learn to cuss like some motherfuckers. So yeah, Hegseth is going after an actual war hero/astronaut while the administration coddles notorious child rapists and traffickers, and Democrats aren’t having it. And not only is Ruben pushing back like a badass, but the New York Times is reporting that Democratic senators Chris Van Hollen, Elizabeth Warren, Tina Smith, Bernie Sanders, Ed Markey, Chris Murphy and Martin Heinrich have formed a Senate “fight club” that was set up to fight instead of fold and push back against Schumer’s weakness. This is not to be confused with Jeanee Shaheen’s Fuck It We Surrender Club or John Fetterman’s Uncle Fester Club, which only has one member.

For too goddamn long, members of our own party have played footsie with fascism, and that shit needs to stop. We will remember the people who fought, and we will remember the people who told Pete Hegseth to shove his bullshit investigation up his fucking ass. The first rule of fight club is to fight. So let’s get it on. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NY Times

Note two: Anyone need some therapy this week? Yeah, us too. How about 5 p.m. ET/2 p.m. PT today? We’ll see you then. As for programming this week, we figured we’d take Thursday and Friday off to sleep in and eat too much. We’ll try to sneak in an extra therapy session too.

Note three: The scuttlebutt on Capitol Hill is that more Republicans are going to follow Marjorie Taylor Greene out the door and possibly give us control of the House before the midterms. We’re skeptical that’s true, but we like knowing that all these assholes are miserable. More: HuffPost

Note four: Trump is going to visit China next year. So goodbye, Taiwan! More: NBC

Note five: This is a member of Congress saying publicly that we’re going to war for oil. At least when we invaded Iraq, Dubya lied to us and told us it was about freedom and shit.

Note six: The Shamwow guy is running for Congress. He’s a Republican so he can shamwow deez nuts. More: NBC

Note seven: Four more people were arrested in the Louvre heist. But they still ain’t caught us. More: AP News

Note eight: You know how the White House was finally gonna roll out Trump’s health care plan? Well it’s been delayed. Yeah, we’re shocked too. More: CNN

Note nine: Erika Kirk has a message for people who were grossed out by her very friendly hug of VP Couchfuck. We have a message too — please stop grossing us out. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Maxine Waters doesn’t have time for bullshit, and neither do we. Get his ass, ma’am.

Note 11: Remember when the president pardoning turkeys was adorable? Well now we have to assume the turkeys assaulted some cops, possess child porn and wrote a big damn check to the Trump library. More: AP News

Note 12: Do y’all have favorite Thanksgiving movies and shows to watch? For us, it doesn’t get any better than the Thanksgiving episode of WKRP in Cincinnati. We also love the Friends Thanksgiving episodes. What are your favorites?

Note 13: Kevin McCarthy says he wants Nancy Mace to “get help.” We tend to agree, but unlike Kevin, Nancy at least has a job. More: Mediaite

Note 14: The Atlantic has a kiss-ass cover story about the brain worm felching guy. We can only wonder how many sexts author Michael Scherer sent. Regardless, we will not be linking to it. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 15: Don’t worry, everyone! The White House is discussing a new health care plan “robustly.” Whatever the fuck that means.

Note 16: Bill Maher was shocked that Lara Trump lied to his face about Trump calling a reporter “piggy.” We might consider the possibility that Bill Maher is a moron. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Democratic senators want to know why the hell a Trump official intervened to help accused rapists and traffickers Andrew Tate and his brother. We assume it was out of habit, but we still want answers. More: ProPublica

Note 18: RIP to Gramma, the 141-year old Galapagos tortoise. Her last words were “fuck Trump and fuck this shit.” She will be missed. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we were struggling. So let us all celebrate the success of Wicked even though we haven’t seen it yet. We’re sure hearing good things though.

Note 20: And on that desperate note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week and you’re joining us in cheering for the new and more vicious Democratic Party. They came here to chew gum and fuck up fascists, and they’re almost out of gum. Love y’all!

Wrong sailor

A draft-dodging pussy and his drunken tv host SecDef have decided to go after a real hero. Seems dumb to us. But sure enough, Passed Out Pete Hegseth has decided to launch an investigation into war hero and astronaut Sen. Mark Kelly. Trump and his drunken aide have brilliantly decided to make this American hero their public target, undoubtedly boosting Kelly’s 2028 chances and reminding us all that Trump and his goons are a bunch of bitches. We are damn happy to stand with Kelly and the other Democrats who served this country. And the other side can be happy to stand with the “suckers and losers” guy.

More: NPR

Loser Lindsey

Well that didn’t take long. Yesterday a judge said that Trump buttlick Lindsey Halligan was illegally appointed, so she couldn’t have indicted James Comey and Letitia James. Oopsie. We’re sure the Trump goons won’t rest, but we are reminded for the millionth time that we should all be thankful that all these fascist scumbags are also incompetent dumbshits. Great work, Lindsey!

More: NBC

RIP

We wanted to use this section today to say goodbye to a witness to one of the darkest chapters of American history. Viola Ford Fletcher has died at 111 years old. She was the oldest living survivor of the Tulsa race massacre. If you’re like us, you didn’t learn about Tulsa in school. There’s a reason for that. For so many years, the United States looked the other way and pretended that it didn’t happen. People like Miss Fletcher reminded us that it did. We’re proud to share the obituary of a life well-lived, a woman who fought for truth and justice. She was the best of America who survived the worst of America. RIP.

More: AP News

Today’s clips

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) hit back against President Donald Trump’s idea to give Americans $2,000. More: Mediaite

House Speaker Mike Johnson’s fealty to President Donald Trump perhaps isn’t embarrassing enough. More: HuffPost

More than 100 homes were damaged in the Houston area Monday after at least one tornado appeared to have touched down amid the powerful winds of a cold front, officials said. More: NBC

Russia launched a wave of attacks on Ukraine’s capital, Kyiv, overnight, with at least seven people killed in strikes that hit city buildings and energy infrastructure. A Ukrainian attack on southern Russia killed three people and damaged homes, authorities said. More: AP News