Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s all fucking fired up for the midterms.
Note: We’re putting on our serious faces today, Sexy Patriots. So that means no dick jokes or elaborate interviews that end with a punchline about the president crapping himself. At least not in the opening note. No, today we are making a solemn promise. With early voting underway in many places and just 36 days until the midterms, we are promising today to not say a negative word about our fellow Democrats until the election is past us.
No matter how much some people piss us off or try to sell us out, we are staying focused on the Republican scum who need to be taught a lesson. So we will not talk shit about Democrats. Except for this sorry dumb sonofabitch…
Oops. Uncle Fester fucked up and told the truth. We don’t find it as funny as the nerds in the audience. In fact, we wish he would go eat shit and then fuck off. And that wasn’t his only admission. Here are some other gems from the interview…
* “I wear hoodies to cover up my spectacular boobs.”
* “People don’t know it but Trump tastes like an actual orange.”
* “I masturbate to pictures of Bibi. He’s so fucking hot right now.”
* “David McCormick has sex with my wife and me and then I go watch cartoons.”
* “I’ve had like 30 more strokes and that’s why I support Trump’s Middle East policies.”
* “Fox News gives me candy and tells me I’m pretty.”
Ok so we made those up. But would any of them really surprise you if they were true? Maybe we’re a little harsh, but that guy is a sellout fucking asshole and we hate him. If sucking were a sport, that dude would be in the Hall of Fame. Fuck Fetterman. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Since we’re getting close to Election Day and it’s totally Go Time, we thought we’d write some more and do some more therapy sessions. Yesterday we dropped a piece on the need to constrain Trump when it comes to Iran. You can read it here…
We Need a ‘National Restraining Order’
It was the late Mitch McConnell who said after the 2010 midterms that Americans had issued President Barack Obama a “national restraining order.”
Note three: What’s your plan to vote? This ain’t the year to wait until the last minute. Has early voting started where you are? Have you already voted? Are you ready to kick some serious ass?
Note four: One of the things we love about Bolts Mag is how they dig into elections that we might not otherwise hear about. And these are damn important races. So take a look and see if any of them are happening near you. More: Bolts Mag
Note five: We were gonna share a clip of Talarico calling Ken Paxton to challenge him to a debate, but we just think it’s so smart to be calling out the stupidity of the Iran War from a gas station. Are we really gonna do this, Texas? Let’s fucking go!
Note six: Maria Elvira Salazar tried to stand up to Trump after rubber-stamping his whole cruel agenda. And now he’s putting her through hell. Oh well. More: HuffPost
Note seven: Axios has a report today that says Democrats don’t want to campaign with AOC. What a shitty fucking story. We hope the Democratic aides who like to call Democrat-hating reporters and bash their fellow Dems get crotch rot and their genitals fall off and get eaten by a badger.
NO GODDAMN LINK
Note eight: We’d like to take a second to thank the brave American who called Trump a “fucking pedophile” at a golf tournament this weekend. This keeps happening, and the media keep ignoring it. Remember how many stories they did on “Let’s go Brandon?” More: Yahoo News
Note nine: A truly horrifying story of gang rape and getting away with gang rape has emerged at Cornell. The school’s administration failed to do their jobs and keep students safe. Thankfully, the student newspaper is calling them out. This is what a courageous news organization looks like. If only they could cover the White House. Brace yourself because this is a deeply upsetting story. More: Cornell Sun
Note 10: We promise we did not add a laugh track to this video of a Republican candidate giving the Iran War a thumbs up. The laughter is real.
Note 11: Right-wingers are trying to get the Capitol Hill pipe bomber freed. Because they are scumbags who love violence. More: NBC News
Note 12: LOL. They’re doing that tired caravan shit again. Trump must be super weak on immigration if this caravan of people think they can come here. Right? Isn’t that the way this works? More: Yahoo News
Note 13: Trump’s defense attorney/AG had a meltdown on the Sunday shows yesterday. This weasel thinks he gets to tell reporters which questions they can ask. It sucks that they probably agree. More: HuffPost
Note 14: SNL made fun of Natalie Harp this weekend. We hope she doesn’t have them killed. More: HuffPost
Note 15: Denmark is dunking on Trump. We are a little worried about what will happen if he sees this, but it brought us great joy…
Note 16: The New York Times ran yet another profile of Rahm Emanuel this weekend. It did not include the name “Laquan McDonald.” White political reporters might not give a shit what happened to that poor teenager, but Democratic voters will. NO GODDAMN LINK
Note 17: The big social media companies are refusing to run ads for Alex Gibney’s new documentary about Elon Musk. The free speech assholes sure love censorship. More: Hollywood Reporter
Note 18: The dumbest president in world history tried to sell arms to the Chinese. This motherfucker sure loves communist dictators. More: AP
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re running out of days to play Earth, Wind and Fire so let’s shake our asses to this as much as we can for the next few days… More: YouTube
Note 20: And on that groovin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend. Unless you’re John Fetterman. In that case, you can go eat a big bowl of shit. Love y’all!
What the Fuck?
We first mentioned these last week, but it is beyond insane that Trump is using our money to buy campaign ads that warn of a “final battle” between Americans. If you watched any football this weekend, then you probably saw the dark, black-and-white ad with Trump’s psycho stare and the tagline “paid for by the U.S. government.” The White House is claiming these are “public service” ads. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but we hope this shit backfires as more and more Americans see what a fascist fuck the president really is.
More: TIME
How Many More?
NBC broke the story this morning that eight more Marines were injured in Trump’s Iran War, and we weren’t told about it. Sadly, we can’t link to NBC because this is the kind of story they have decided to stick behind a paywall for some reason. Still, Americans should be demanding to know what the real casualty count is from Trump’s stupid fucking war and why he’s out going to football games and golf tournaments while our troops are dodging Iranian missiles. This kind of shit used to be considered pretty fucking scandalous.
More: Military.com
Begging
It turns out that the dude who approached Trump with tears in his eyes was Jake Tapper. Ok not really. Probably. But Jake did spend part of his Sunday show yesterday asking a Trump administration official to let CNN back in the White House pool after Trump refused to let them kiss his ass on the way to Tennessee for a football game. The rest of the television networks have decided to cave and resume coverage after a short and pointless boycott. We’ll find out if CNN is allowed back in the rotation later this week. Don’t cry, Jake. It’ll be ok.
More: The Guardian, New York Times
Today’s clips
VANDALIA, Ohio (AP) — President Donald Trump plans to visit Ohio on Saturday in support of Sen. Jon Husted as the Republican tries to fend off a competitive challenge from Democratic former Sen. Sherrod Brown. More: AP
GORHAM, Maine (AP) — For years, Planned Parenthood’s endorsement of Susan Collinswas enough to persuade Erin Evans to vote for Maine’s longtime U.S. senator, believing that the moderate Republican would protect abortion access.
Evans is now “just furious with myself” for those votes. The 56-year-old from Portland described Collins’ critical vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court, where President Donald Trump’s nominee eventually helped overturn the constitutional right to abortion, as a betrayal. More: AP
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — A Texas city council candidate was arrested Saturday morning on a misdemeanor charge for “riot participation” in connection with behavior authorities said they observed at a protest against the shooting of a Venezuelan man by a federal immigration officer. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — House Democrats are preparing a vast oversight agenda, with investigations of President Donald Trump, his family and his administration if the party sweeps control of the chamber from Republicans in the November elections. More: AP
Yet another conservative caller to SiriusXM’s “The Megyn Kelly Wrap-Up Show” has voiced her utter frustration with Donald Trump and his administration.
The 77-year-old woman, identified as Melanie from North Carolina, told host Emily Jashinsky she’s “always been very conservative” and had “never voted for a Democrat in my life.” More: HuffPost
White House deputy chief of staff Dan Scavino popped an artificial intelligence champagne bottle over the weekend, and social media users weren’t having it with the flex. More: HuffPost
Why worry about a caravan when there's a wall? Silly Republicans, you already took care of that problem.
I believe you nailed it Fetterman should just change parties. He's a disgrace