Farewell to Free Speech (and Stephen)

It’s Thursday. There are 166 days until the midterm elections. Time for another Trump war, a telling endorsement in the Golden State and Jared Polis officially sucks.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it hates Mark Cuban now.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you today? Yeah, us too and it’s about to get way fucking worse. While we remain our usual sunny and optimistic selves, we must all reckon with the fact that tonight will represent a disgusting victory for Trump, a sad day for comedy and free speech and a giant shitstain on everything we all thought this country was about. We are of course talking about Stephen Colbert’s final show tonight.

Everything about this is bullshit. Colbert is even number one in late night, so you know it ain’t about ratings. It’s about corporate slime who bought CBS so they could fire a comedian who made fun of the president. And it’s about that president being such a thin-skinned limp weiner that he will gloat and cheer this obvious attack on free speech. Trump might not know this because he’s originally frum Dumfuckea, but in this country, we’re allowed to make fun of the president. Hell, we even let the racist scum ask for their birth certificates if they want to. But this is New America where you can’t ask the president about the rapists he’s pardoned and paid or about his weird orange skin, fucked up hair and crazy goddamn bruises.

Well here at TheAltMedia we say fuck that shit. There is no goddamn universe where we will ever stop mocking and laughing at that becankled shit-for-brains gameshow host piece of human garbage. Fuck him, fuck his limp weiner and fuck his ugly family and their limp weiners. And fuck this dark day for America. Goddamnit. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Associated Press

Note two: LOLOL!!! You know how we keep hearing about Trump’s iron grip on the GOP? Well they just tanked his ballroom because even they’re not that stupid. More: Politico

Note three: Trump sent some weirdo to Greenland to creep out their kids. Remember when America wasn’t embarrassing? More: HuffPost

Note four: It should be a bigger deal that some racist scum shot up a mosque in San Diego. And it sure as shit should be a bigger deal that the president’s friends were making horrifying comments as it was happening. More: NBC News

Note five: Want to be super ashamed to be an American? Oh we’re too late? Well check out this video anyway. We don’t know if it’s Trump asking the stupid questions, but we wouldn’t be surprised…

Note six: Looks like a former federal prosecutor was caught trying to get us all the truth. Kash Patel is throwing the book at this woman for emailing herself the Jack Smith volume that Aileen Cannon is hiding from us all. Seems like Cannon is the one who should go to jail. More: NBC News

Note seven: It has taken way too fucking long, but the msm have finally realized that Trump pardoned a child molester. It only took the prospect of Trump putting tax dollars in his pocket for people to give a shit. More: HuffPost

Note eight: A judge is ordering Trump to comply with the Presidential Records Act. We’re sure he’ll get right on that. More: MSNOW

Note nine: Vanessa Trump has breast cancer. And the only thing we hate more than the Trumps is cancer. So yeah, we’re rooting for her. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Whoa. This guy is describing a real shithole. Hey wait a minute…

Note 11: Thank you to Harry Dunn and Daniel Hodges for suing to keep our money out of the pockets of Jan. 6 scum. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Yiiiiikes. Trump’s approval is down to 34 percent, according to Quinnipiac. Voters hate him, they hate his cabinet and they hate everything he is doing. Other than that, he’s crushing it. More: CT Insider

Note 13: Just a reminder that Jon Ossoff is really, really good at this…

Note 14: Spanberger vetoed a bill that would have set up a cannabis retail market. So that fucking sucks. More: WTOP

Note 15: The fucking Proud Boys are gonna be millionaires for attacking our Capitol and assaulting some cops. What a fucked up country. More: HuffPost

Note 16: This one is pretty funny. It turns out nobody is naming their kid Vance anymore. And even fewer people are naming their kid Ass-Kissing Couchfucker. We think JD is the reason for both. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We’re gonna talk Cuba in the news section, but man even the right-wing freaks have had enough of Trump’s chaos.

Note 18: Google has sucked for a while now, and it’s about to get worse. Man, we sure do hate tech bro assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we were kinda stumped. So in honor of the NBA playoffs, here’s Marvin Gaye singing the National Anthem at the 1983 all-star game. We watch it because it reminds us there’s a lot of good in this country worth fighting for.

Note 20: And on that goosebumps note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are surviving the weekend ok. Be sure to tune in to Colbert tonight to really drive up his numbers and make clear what shit-eating dumbfucks are running CBS these days. Love y’all!

More War
Someone really needs to tell Trump that he can’t start his next war until he’s finished his last one. Or maybe he should just stop starting wars altogether because what the fuck? Yesterday, DOJ indicted 94-year-old Raul Castro for doing some shit that Pete Hegseth also does, and they hinted that the U.S. will go get his old ass if need be. So yeah, the chatter is picking up that Trump is going after Cuba next, and we are done wondering if anyone could truly be that stupid. We already know. So get ready for more chaos, death and stupidity courtesy of the spoiled rotten chode who thinks he’s playing video games. More: USA Today, More: The Hill

To Live and Die in L.A.
Los Angeles, it’s now crystal damn clear — a vote for Spencer Pratt is a vote for Donald Trump. Spread the word. While we’ve always known Pratt is a Trump dick, Trump confirmed it yesterday by calling Pratt “a big MAGA person” and wishing him well. So yeah, the Ghislaine Maxwell treatment. Pratt, or “the Crystal Daddy” as he is also known (we wish we were making that up), has become a hero to the very online right. That’s why we’re thrilled to support literally anyone else. And for what it’s worth, we think Karen has done great work in impossible circumstances, and we are quite intrigued by Nithya’s candidacy as well. So fuck Trump and fuck Pratt. More: LA Times

Censure for a Suck-ass
We would like to thank the Colorado Democratic Party for voting last night to censure Trump bitch Jared Polis. Polis commuted the sentence of election denier Tina Peters, lied about why she was in prison to begin with and then started patting himself on the back. Well now he’s not allowed to speak at Colorado Democratic events anymore and his own party hates his guts. This is what happens to people who start believing their own bullshit. Fuck you, Jared. More: NBC News

Today’s clips
Control of the House of Representatives could come down to four pivotal battleground races in Pennsylvania. More: NBC news

An Air France flight bound for Detroit was redirected to Canada after a passenger from Congo boarded “in error” amid the Ebola outbreak in central Africa, officials said Wednesday. More: NBC News

A Democratic outside group is unleashing an early attack on one of the contenders in the hotly contested Minnesota Senate primary, underscoring how the fight for the future of the party is reaching new heights. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The House is expected to vote on legislation Thursday to compel President Donald Trump to withdraw from the war with Iran, a significant test of lawmakers’ willingness to go along with a conflict the president launched over two months ago without congressional approval. More: Associated Press

WESTFIELD, N.J.— Rep. Tom Kean Jr. hasn’t been seen in Washington for more than 75 days. Speaker Mike Johnson says he hasn’t spoken to him recently, and his neighbors in suburban New Jersey say they haven’t seen him either. More: NOTUS

Bruce Springsteen delivered a blistering message aimed at Donald Trump on Wednesday during the penultimate episode of “The Late Show.” More: HuffPost