Epstein Eve

It’s Thursday. There are 320 days until the midterm elections. Jack Smith speaks, the president yells and Not-so-magic Mike makes a run for it.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never skipped town so it could screw over Americans.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we try. We try really hard to resist like the most resistancy sonsofbitches you can find. We wake up every day thinking of new ways to cuss and defy the fascist fuckhead who is wrecking our lives and our country. It’s important work, and we take it seriously. But goddamn there are just some people out there resisting in ways we never even thought of…

NOW WE’RE FUCKIN’ TALKIN’! We love our cussin’, but damn this is next level! Bet ICE didn’t count on some voodoo shit coming their way. Walking funny, Mr. Ice Man? That’s because a Bourbon Street Priestess just stuck a needle in your knee. Got a headache, Gestapo Guy? Yeah, that same priestess is doing a dance on your face. Got a little dick, Big Border Bro? Well, that’s just how you were made and voodoo had nothing to do with it.

Our favorite thing about living under Trumpism is the heroes it creates. And whomever made this voodoo doll, is one of those heroes. We continue to believe that Donald Trump doesn’t know and doesn’t understand America, and he royally fucked up when he started sending goons to our cities. We’d like to thank the anonymous voodoo priestess for making our point. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you need some therapy this week, we got you. It’s not real therapy, but it sure helps us feel better.

Note three: So did anyone turn on the television last night to get yelled at by a deluded old asshole? It looked and sounded like someone got into junior’s blow. More: Mediaite

Note four: Ok so we don’t really do conspiracy theories, but we’re starting to wonder if Susie Wiles is sabotaging Trump. First there was the Vanity Fair interview. And then we learned that last night’s airing of grievances was her idea. Is she the new Anonymous? More: HuffPost

Note five: We bought a used Audi from this motherfucker years ago. It immediately burst into flames, and we’ve been looking for this asshole ever since.

Note six: Tomorrow is the day. The Epstein files are set to be released. We’re expecting some kind of bullshit or a war before then, but we won’t stop demanding that shit. And on Epstein Eve, the New York Times has another blockbuster report about Trump and his best friend. More: Mediaite

Note seven: RIP to Peter Arnett. When Sam was first starting out as a journalist, someone gave him a book called Once Upon a Distant War. It was about the young war correspondents who were first into Vietnam. Arnett was one of them. They just don’t make reporters like that dude anymore. More: CNN

Note eight: Sigh. Do we even have to talk about the scummy, immature plaques Trump put under Obama and Biden’s portraits at the White House? We really, really fucking hate this guy. More: ABC

Note nine: We are in a golden age. For whooping cough. More: NBC

Note 10: It’s hard to hear, but the mayor of Evanston, Ill. told Greg “the Gasser” Bovino that he’s not welcome. This is the shit we love to see. Next time add some cussing and call his dad a murderer!

Note 11: DOJ keeps fucking with protesters. And DOJ keeps losing. Because they are fucking losers. More: AP News

Note 12: We’ve been kind of pissed at Jacky Rosen for a while now, but we’re happy to see her doing something about this crazy Coast Guard swastika shit. More: AP News

Note 13: Trump is nominating absolute freaks to the bench. This fucker makes Aileen Cannon look downright normal.

Note 14: Trump is selling his failed social media platform to a nuclear fusion company for $6 billion. We’re sure this is totally on the level and not brazen corruption at all. More: NBC

Note 15: The American Academy of Pediatrics criticized the brainworm felching guy, so he cut millions of their funding. Seems like he’s really focused on keeping kids healthy, don’t it? More: NBC

Note 16: After flopping big time, Bari Weiss canceled an employee townhall she was going to do. But she’s not letting it stop her from trying to cram right-wing bullshit down America’s throats. If Ericka Kirk didn’t draw ratings, why in the hell would Weiss think the couch fucker would?! More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 17: This is the energy we want to see from Democrats. Talk your shit, Sandy!

Note 18: Of all the crazy shit Trump said last night, the thing we’re most curious about is the $1,776 bonus checks for the troops. That adds up to a couple billion dollars. Where’s it coming from? And Trump said checks were on the way. How fucking wild is it gonna be if they never come?! More: Military Times

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to say we heart NYC.

Note 20: And on that festive ectoplasmic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week and getting ready for the holiday season and not doing the kind of shit that draws the wrath of Louisiana voodoo priestesses. Love y’all!

Tell ‘em, Jack

Jack Smith testified behind closed doors yesterday, defending his investigations from Trump and declaring that he has “proof beyond a reasonable doubt” that Trump attempted a coup and tried to prevent the peaceful transfer of power. He also made clear that Trump definitely and repeatedly broke the law by stealing and hiding stolen classified documents. Republicans were smart to do this behind closed doors because Americans would turn on Trump even more if they heard this damning shit. Let’s hope that someday we’ll actually hear what all he found.

More: NBC

He’s lost it

The president of the United States is not well. Last night, the networks gave him the airwaves (something they refused to do for Obama and Biden) so he could lie and rant and yell for 20 minutes, leaving everyone who watched confused and angry. Even for this guy, it was a desperate display. It was also another acknowledgement that cracks of reality are breaking through and this guy knows he’s eating shit. Keep yelling at us, orangey. That’ll make it better.

More: HuffPost

Run, Mikey, run

Do you have to go to work tomorrow? Well you must not be in the House of Representatives. Because they’re leaving town early. Again. Yeah, after taking an extra long August recess to avoid the Epstein files and prolonging a government shutdown vacation for a couple months to avoid the Epstein files, Mike Little Johson is sending his members home early, presumably so they don’t have to answer questions about the Epstein files. But it’s also a huge Fuck You to the millions of Americans who need these assholes to vote on the three-year Obamacare subsidies extension, which expire on Dec. 31. Sigh. These able-bodied shitheads really should be showing up for work. And if you need a chuckle, listen to Johnson tell everyone he hasn’t “lost control of the House.” Sure, champ.

More: The Hill, ABC

Today’s clips

Deputy FBI director Dan Bongino is stepping down soon from the job after eight months marked by clashes with his boss, Attorney General Pamela Bondi, and fighting off the conspiracies he once fueled. More: CNN

Christopher Anderson, the Vanity Fair photojournalist who took the pictures that accompanied the magazine’s bombshell report on key players in President Donald Trump’s administration, staunchly defended his work in several interviews on Wednesday. More: Mediaite

Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) pulled no punches on Wednesday in opposing President Donald Trump’s saber-rattling about ousting Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro.Massie took to the House floor and called for Trump to seek Congressional approval before taking direct military action against Venezuela, which some in the media have predicted Trump may announce in prime time Wednesday night. More: Mediaite

A Boston-area man was sentenced Thursday to life in prison for the grisly murder of his wife, who disappeared nearly three years ago and whose body has never been found. More: AP News

Ghislaine Maxwell is seeking to “vacate, set aside, or correct her conviction and sentence” on federal sex trafficking charges linked to a sexual exploitation scheme for Jeffrey Epstein, according to a petition filed Wednesday. More: NBC News

Tucker Carlson wrongly predicted President Donald Trump would declare war against Venezuela in his speech on Wednesday. More: HuffPost