Epstein August!

It’s Tuesday. There are 469 (nice) days until the midterm elections. Cankles and Ghislaine team up (again?), the Big Fugly Bill is a trainwreck and House Republicans cover for Trump and his friend Eps

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Not as much as Hunter Biden but still quite a bit.

Reminder: Adam and Sam will be live today at 4 PM ET/1 PM PT for a weekly therapy session. Tune into the substack app then!

Note: Well that was a helluva way to start the week, Sexy Patriots. Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend is trying like hell to change the subject, and the bullshit is flying fast and furious. Just yesterday Trump released files on MLK Jr. and Hillary and shot a 30-second video of himself loudly fucking Jimmy Hoffa’s bones. We’re kidding. No way that dude could last 30 seconds, and the bones were just Melania.

Fortunately for all of us, only the dimmest dumbshits in Trumpland are falling for the distraction attempts, and a lot of Trump’s targets have been happy to remind everyone what the real story is right now. This got our vote for the best one…

Yesssssss. Drag. His. Ass. We were gonna do one of our hilarious fake interviews with Dr. King, but that seemed a little dicey coming from us. So instead we just figured we’d let the King family speak for themselves. Brava to them. And fuck you to Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend and his racist bullshit. Now release the goddamn files. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Accountability is sexy, right? So why don’t we kick things off today with a correction. Yesterday former Louisville police officer Brett Hankison was sentenced to 33 months in prison for using excessive force. We incorrectly wrote that he killed Breonna Taylor. He fired 10 shots through the wall, but none of them hit her. We apologize for the mistake. And we’re glad the judge gave Hankison more than the one day Trump’s DOJ was asking for. More: WDRB

Note three: Hallelujah! The Marines retreated from Los Angeles yesterday. It’s nice when an occupying force leaves an American city. Now if they’d only take those sick fucks at ICE with them when they leave. More: KTLA

Note four: The head of FEMA search and rescue has resigned. Why? Because FEMA fucked up big time and lots of people died. This kinda thing used to be a scandal. More: CNN

Note five: It was great to see the big names in late night comedy join Stephen Colbert last night. We also wholeheartedly approve Stephen’s response to Trump celebrating his firing…

Note six: Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend Donald Trump is so mad about the Wall Street Journal publishing his gross birthday card that he’s kicked them out of the White House press pool. This motherfucker is sooooooo guilty. More: The Hill

Note seven: Cankles and Tuslki Gabbard are trying to say Obama framed them for Russia-gate. Really? Obama made Don Jr. meet with Russians and Obama made Trump’s campaign manager share campaign data with Russians? That Obama must be magic! More: HuffPost

Note eight: The attacks on AOC have got to stop. We’re used to right-wing nazi scum putting good people in harm’s way, but watching it come from the left makes us want to hurl with rage. More: The Hill

Note nine: To make President Cankles happy, Coca-Cola is going to launch a product it already sells. Yeah, congrats on coming up with Mexican Coke, chickenshits. More: NBC News

Note 10: Hunter Biden went the fuck off in an interview, and we found ourselves applauding a lot of it just days after wishing he would go away. So now we’re not sure how we feel about it, but we do love the profanity.

Note 11: Rahm Emanuel joined Megyn Kelly’s show to trash trans people. This fucking asshole thinks if he just trashes liberals enough, then we’ll nominate him for president. We’d like to invite Rahm to fuck off, eat shit and kiss our hot asses. Mediaite

Note 12: Andy Beshear is in Vogue this month, and it’s a pretty fascinating look at the Kentucky governor. We also like that he pointed out that he “might be the first person in Vogue to wear Gap jeans.” Oh Andy. More: Vogue

Note 13: Remember when the New York Times ran a hit piece on Zohran Mamdani that came from a hacker? Well the hacker is a neo-nazi. Great work, everybody! More: The Verge

Note 14: It’s hard to put into words how much we don’t give a fuck what James Carville thinks about anything. We have zero idea why someone thawed him out and started asking him how to win elections in the year 2025. We will not be linking to his latest.

Note 15: Want to see just how much Morning Joe sucks Trump ass? Check out this pathetic interview with SS leader Tom Homan…

Note 16: Oh and the warm welcome from Homan comes as we’re getting reports about detainees in Miami being forced to eat like dogs. Maybe the Morning Joe crew should try that. More: The Guardian

Note 17: This clip of Trump refusing to say if he has an age limit for women he goes out with is so fucking gross. Congrats to all the Christians who chose this sick asshole over their god. More: Yahoo

Note 18: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! A new season of Ted Lasso is in production! And we could really use the positivity right about now. More: Variety

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate comedian Josh Johnson. Yesterday we shared his hilarious take on Trump and Rosie, and then a few hours later he was added to the Daily Show’s host rotation. The two things are not related. Congrats, Josh! More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 20: And on that congratulatory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Or at least a better week than Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend and his cankles. Love y’all!

Reunited
Some news this morning in the ongoing saga of Donald Trump and his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. Todd Blanche, Trump’s defense attorney who now works at DOJ, announced that he is going to meet with Epstein/Trump fixer Ghislaine Maxwell to pretend to interview her. What’s really going to happen? Trump is going to offer Maxwell a pardon or a commuted sentence if she’ll clear him and accuse some Democrats of the gross shit Trump probably did. We sure hope our party and the wimps in the media are ready to call this nasty shit out. More: NBC News

Big and Fugly
We got a new CBO score on the Big Fugly Bill that Republicans just passed, and it is both Big and Fugly. CBO says that Republicans just voted to kick 10 million people off their healthcare, cut food assistance by $200 billion and add $3.4 trillion to the debt. So basically it does everything Democrats and analysts said it does the whole goddamn time. We don’t know about y’all, but we’re damn eager to make the Epstein Party eat this shit. More: NBC News

Epstein August!
While Trump and Ghislaine team up to do some more gnarly shit, House Republicans are doing everything they can to protect their pedophile president. Yesterday House leadership announced that the rules committee wouldn’t be voting out any more rules this week. Why? Because they don’t want to have to vote on Thomas Massie’s bill to force the Epstein files release. So to cover up for Trump and Epstein, they are literally shutting down the U.S. House of Representatives for the next six weeks. Mike Little Johnson held a press conference this morning where he tried to talk tough about going after any Epstein associates, but he kept kissing Trump’s ass at the same time. Buddy, you can’t do both. Let’s make sure everyone in this country knows that Republicans shut down Congress to protect the Epstein pedo ring and Donald J. Trump. More: Axios

Today’s clips
Ford is recalling more than 694,000 Bronco Sport and Escape vehicles because the fuel injector may crack and leak, which may cause a fire. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Monday blasted the judge presiding over Harvard University’s case against the Trump administration, calling her “a TOTAL DISASTER.” More: HuffPost

A man who openly identified as a “fascist” during a political debate with Zeteo founder Mehdi Hasan has raised over $18,000 on GiveSendGo after claiming he was fired following his appearance for his political beliefs. More: Mediaite

General Motors (GM) said on Tuesday that President Trump’s tariffs cost the company $1.1 billion in the second quarter, contributing to an overall decline of 35 percent in profit. More: The Hill