Eff the President Day

It’s Monday. There are 260 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s murderous friend murdered someone, Massie gets nasty and a real POTUS speaks.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So we can say fuck Presidents’ Day.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Happy Lunar New Year and belated Valentine’s Day! We hope you had a super sexy weekend. Since today is technically a holiday, we thought we’d keep it short. We need to get back to our yarn and tinfoil hats. Because we are deep down the rabbit hole.

Despite the cussing and poop jokes, we try to be a serious newsletter. We don’t share stories that seem made up or unverified. We try to stay away from conspiracy theories. And until recently, we figured the Epstein stuff was overhyped and he probably did kill himself. Why would we be so cynical or naive? Because we’ve both been around D.C. a long time, and we both know that big conspiracies require competence and discretion to pull off. And neither competence nor discretion are usually in abundance in Trump’s Washington. But that was the old us. The new us doesn’t know what to think. Just look at this crazy shit…

WTF?! Shit is getting weird, y’all. So we’re putting on our detective hats and getting out our ouija board. Why? Because today we’re interviewing the worm-infested corpse of Jeffrey Epstein…

Us: Hey you scum-sucking piece of shit. How’s Hell?

Jeffrey Epstein’s corpse: It’s really awful. But so am I.

Us: Yep. We hope you fucking rot. So did you kill yourself?

Epstein: No, I did not. Trump had me killed because I was about to spill the beans.

Us: Interesting. Did you die screaming and terrified and shitting yourself in a dirty cell?

Epstein: Yes. Yes, I did.

Us: Good.

Sometimes we write these just to give ourselves some cosmic satisfaction. And cussing out that gross dead motherfucker felt pretty good. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Other than Fuckhead Fetterman, Senate Democrats are holding the line. DHS has been shut down. ICE is still out there being scummy, but our people are doing what we demanded. Keep it going. More: NBC News, NBC News II

Note three: If you read this story, you might end up hating your own country. That’s ok. We’re pretty goddamn hateable right now. More: NBC News

Note four: Have you seen that amazing photo out of Minnesota of “Bathrobe Lady?” Well learn more about her here… More: MPR

Note five: This clip might make you get choked up. It did for us. But it also reminded us that we are going to win.

Note six: LOL. Republicans are now putting up candidates who don’t even vote. Though to be fair, we’re pretty sure Tommy Tuberville doesn’t know how to read either. More: Associated Press

Note seven: We freaking love ESPN’s Sarah Spain. Her Olympics coverage on Bluesky has been amazing. And we especially love the way she hates Jalopy Dickmouth (JD) Vance. More: HuffPost

Note eight: We’d like to take a quick moment today to tell Doogie Howser to eat shit and then go fuck himself. Fucking wimp.

Note nine: Trump spent the weekend threatening to Orbanize our elections with or without Congress. So yeah, he’s totally freaked about the midterms. He should be. More: NBC News

Note 10: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we’d like you to meet an American hero. The kids are alright, y’all.

Note 11: And on that badass note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have had a great weekend. We’ll get back to our full newsletter tomorrow. In the meantime, please enjoy this video of Marvin Gaye singing the National Anthem as our best non-corny tribute to Black History Month… More: YouTube

Remembering Navalny
Our European friends have determined that Russian opposition leader Alex Navalny was murdered by a rare frog toxin. While we always knew that Putin had Navalny killed, it’s nice to have some confirmation. And surely the United States is furious, right? Sorta. Liddle Marco Rubio called the report “troubling” and didn’t dispute it. We assume it’s only a matter of time before Trump tells us that Navalny was no angel. RIP. More: Reuters

Nasty Massie
We used to joke that things are so fucked up in Trumpland that we found ourselves hating Kanye and loving Liz Cheney. But honestly we never expected to love Thomas Massie’s crazy ass this much. But we have to give credit where it’s due. Massie has taken on his whole damn party to try and get justice for the Epstein survivors, and that is damn commendable. Plus, this weekend he went on Meet the Press and declared Trump’s White House to be “the Epstein administration.” Ouch. That’s brutal. And so accurate. More: HuffPost, NBC News

Real President’s Day
Barack Obama was all over the place this weekend, reminding us what it was like to have a president who didn’t suck. The president finally spoke about the racist video that Trump posted, and he talked to Brian Tyler Cohen about aliens and shit. But our favorite was seeing him hanging out at the NBA All-Star game. He and Michelle and Sasha looked so happy and stylish, and we briefly remembered what it was like when America seemed to be ascending instead of crapping itself to death. More: HuffPost, People

Today’s clips
U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio on Monday enthusiastically endorsed Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán’s bid to serve a fifth straight term after upcoming elections in April, emphasizing during a visit to Budapest the strong personal relationship between the nationalist leader and U.S. President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

U.S. figure skater Ilia Malinin appeared to address his subpar performance at the Olympics in a social media post Monday. More: NBC News

Steve Bannon, the MAGA media mogul who served as White House chief strategist at the outset of President Donald Trump’s first term, told Jeffrey Epstein, the late sex criminal whom he planned to make a friendly documentary about, that Trump should be removed from office via the 25th Amendment back in 2018. More: Mediaite

CBS News has quietly decided to retain contributor Peter Attia despite the release of emails showing extensive communications with Jeffrey Epstein, according to staffers at the network. More: Mediaite

The NAACP and other organizations are asking a judge to protect personal voter information that was seized by the FBI from an elections warehouse just outside Atlanta. More: Associated Press

Brandy performed a stunning rendition of the U.S. national anthem at the 2026 NBA All-Star Game. More: People

Federal immigration officials plan to spend $38.3 billion to boost detention capacity to 92,600 beds, a document released Friday shows, as U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement quietly purchases warehouses to turn into detention and processing facilities. More: Associated Press