Dozing Don’s Yawn

It’s Tuesday. There are 126 days until the midterm elections. A scary day at SCOTUS, ICE is arresting nuns and the president of the United States REALLY doesn’t care about you.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it never decorated the White House with nazi shit.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today we’re gonna blow your sexy fucking minds. We’re gonna do something so grotesque and outlandish that you’ll forget all about that newsletter we did about Mike Lee being born with a rat scrotum on his forehead. And if you’ve already healed from that one, we apologize for reopening the rat-balls wound. We will also go ahead and apologizing for what we’re doing today. Because it’s pretty fucked up. You ready? Ok. Here goes…

THANK YOU, DONALD TRUMP!

*Whoa, Adam and Sam, you are both so freaking hot but have you lost your gorgeous goddamn minds?!* Well thank you, but no, we promise we’re ok. And we still hate that festering pile of shit with every ounce of our being. But it can be hard coming up with funny shit to write to start this newsletter each day and this week the president of the United States has done us the kindness of putting on the dumbest, idiotic, most unintentionally hilarious national fair imaginable and it’s really doing the heavy lifting for us. Just look at this shit…

LOLOL!!! Happy birthday, America! Here’s some fake cowboy spewing pancakes all over the National Mall! Don’t get any on ya! You have to admit it’s pretty fucking funny. And infuriating. And embarrassing as all hell. Still, we admire Trump’s consistency for fucking up easy things and giving us shit to make fun of him about. It’s the silver lining of the shit sandwich. Thanks, Mr. President. And thank you, puking fake cowboy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some Tuesday therapy? Hell yeah! We need it too. Let’s try 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT. If we’re running a little late, just hang out.

Note three: Here’s another Trump Senate candidate who gave a free pass to a pedophile. What would it take for the mainstream media to see and report on this rather obvious and horrifying pattern? More: HuffPost

Note four: It’s Tuesday, so people are voting. The big ones are in Colorado. If you live there, you should vote, but please don’t vote for any assholes. More: NBC News

Note five: Here’s the best newspaper cover you’ll see today…

Note six: Trump posted a picture of a golden nazi eagle adorning the White House and said it was a gift. We didn’t think we would ever see anything tackier. Then we learned it was AI, and well, that’s just perfect. More: People

Note seven: The Obamas are making everyone horny. The Trumps are making everyone’s genitals dry up and fall off. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Tied in Texas! A new poll from the New York Times shows Ken Paxton and James Talarico tied at 47. Boy, conservative Christians sure are full of shit, ain’t they? More: New York Times

Note nine: Ukraine bombed Moscow again last night. LOL. Eat shit, Putin/Trump. More: NBC News

Note 10: Fox and the U.S. Attorney are very committed to Trump’s lies about the Reflecting Pool. These are the same fuckwads who lost to sandwich guy, btw.

Note 11: Are y’all as hooked on the World Cup as we are? Two penalty shootouts yesterday! We love the drama! More: NBC News

Note 12: Rep. Tom Kean has been missing for months. Today he’s coming back and telling everyone where he’s been. Our money is on either a sex cult or he disappeared all the way up Trump’s ass. More: AP

Note 13: One hundred Venezuelans who were deported by Trump are now missing or dead in the Venezuela earthquake aftermath. He sure does love killing poor innocent people. More: PBS

Note 14: Rep. Anna Paulina Luna, whose grandfather was an actual nazi soldier, brought an ethics complaint against Ruben Gallego. It was dismissed yesterday. So Luna and her dead nazi grandpa can go fuck herself. More: The Hill

Note 15: We’re sorry to beat a dead horse, but we just can’t stop laughing at this shit. And a dead horse would draw a bigger crowd!

Note 16: There is some serious heat coming for much of the country, so y’all please be safe. More: NBC News

Note 17: Kids are still dying in Gaza. Is this nightmare ever gonna stop? More: NBC News

Note 18: The Old Dominion is about to get a lot cooler. Virginia has figured out how to greenlight recreational weed sales. It’s about damn time. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, here’s more Fox fair coverage. We’re sorry. We just think it’s fucking hilarious, and we know it would be a huge scandal if Obama or Biden had fucked up our nation’s 250th like this.

Note 20: And on that redundant but satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. If you’re looking to get away from it all and spend some time alone, we suggest the national fair. You won’t see another person for days. Love y’all!

Scary SCOTUS

We had to write early today because of a scheduling issue, so we are publishing before we know just how fucked up our broken, corrupt and racist Supreme Court really is. Yesterday we saw gross decisions around Trump’s ability to fire anyone he wants. Today, is the big one about birthright citizenship. There are also some huge decisions about trans kids playing sports and campaign spending. We expect the court to be awful to trans kids and democracy, but they might actually let the 14th Amendment hang on. Brace yourselves.

More: AP

Hellbound

We already knew the scum at ICE are going to hell, but man they sure guaranteed it by arresting a nun. Sister Leticia Ugboaja was released from ICE custody yesterday. She was detained while wearing her habit and walking to mass. The chickenshit scum at ICE and DHS are refusing to comment on what they did. So we’ll comment for them — WHAT KIND OF PIG-FUCKING SCUMBAG ARRESTS A NUN?! Abolish ICE. It’s the only way.

More: NBC News

Yawn

Every single fucking day, the president of the United States makes clear he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Americans. Whether it’s him confessing he doesn’t worry about our financial situations or him fucking up our birthdays, Trump has made it obvious he is in this for himself. He did it again yesterday as he once again refused to sign a bipartisan housing bill, calling it a “yawn” and telling reporters he’s much more interested in his election cheating bill. It would be a massive gaffe if a Democrat did this, and CNN would be apoplectic. But it’s Trump so it gets ho-hum coverage when he admits he doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — The District of Columbia has agreed to pay $50,000 to settle a lawsuit filed by a resident who accused police officers of illegally detaining him for following an Ohio National Guard patrol while playing Darth Vader’s theme song from “Star Wars” on his cellphone, according to a document released Monday. More: NBC News

The Colorado Supreme Court on Monday rejected three proposed ballot measures supported by Democrats that were designed to pave the way for a new congressional map ahead of the 2028 election. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court refused to hear famed law professor and attorney Alan Dershowitz’s defamation claim against CNN on Monday, effectively upholding long-standing protections for the news media when reporting on public figures. More: NBC News

FRANKFORT, Ky. (AP) — Four people have died due to flooding from thunderstorms in Kentucky, Gov. Andy Beshear said Saturday, and he declared a state of emergency with additional rainfall expected. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — Pride Month celebrations peaked Sunday with big parades in New York, San Francisco and some other cities on the anniversary of the 1969 Stonewall uprising, which accelerated and transformed the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. More: AP