Down the poll hole
It’s Thursday. There are 348 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s unemployment rate rises, the brain worm butthead’s sick dreams come true and Americans really, really don’t like this stuff.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because shit is a mess.
Note: Hey Sexy Patriots! Ready to feel great about your life? Well we got you. Because no matter how shitty your week, no matter how fucked up your country and no matter how idiotic things get, at least your name isn’t JD Vance like this poor, dumb sonofabitch…
Yowzer. Now y’all know we here at AltMedia.com always condemn violence. We especially condemn political violence because that’s the opposite of what America is supposed to be and we wouldn’t want to sound like some deranged idiot calling for our opponents to be hanged. And hopefully it goes without saying that we wholeheartedly oppose and condemn this sick fuck who wanted to kill the president and the vp. There is absolutely no way to excuse or rationalize this depraved behavior. But if our names were JD Vance? Well, we’re not sure how we’d feel.
Can you imagine? Every single person you’ve ever known has made a couch joke. Your buddies are sending you eyeliner. Decent Americans recoil in horror at the sound of your name. And yeah seriously everyone wants to know if you fuck couches. We are definitely not condoning what this sicko did, but also, we kinda get it. If our names were JD Vance, we’d probably change it to Fuckhead D. Poopsmoker III because it sounds better. Or we’d just straight up snap and start threatening to murder people.
Thankfully, we’re not named JD Vance and we don’t have sex with furniture. So we can stay relatively sane and not end up in prison for threatening people. Because we can’t imagine that name is gonna win him many friends on the inside. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: We were trying to think of a couch joke about conjugal visits, but it never came together. Send us what you’ve got in the comments. And if you think of any more egg dick jokes, add those too. And if you have no idea what we’re talking about, then check out yesterday’s Therapy Session at this link.
Why we’re off eggs
Thank you Leah Anderson, Jeanne Elbe, Rachel Hendricks, Nancy B., ilibee, and many others for tuning into our live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.The Alt Media with Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Note three: Zohran Mamdani is meeting with Trump at the White House tomorrow. In announcing the meeting, Trump again called Mamdani a communist. So good luck, Zo. We don’t envy you, man. More: ABC7NY
Note four: Big congrats to Donald Trump for finally beating President Obama at something. Trump has now played more golf in five years than Obama did in eight. Well done, sir! More: PBump
Note five: Remember a few weeks ago when the press went along with Republican bullshit about turning down the rhetoric?
Note six: The story Trump is mad about has been making big rounds on the right. Fox News spent hours on it. So what’s the big sin they’re all freaking out about? Former military members who are now in Congress reminded soldiers not to follow illegal orders and to be true to their oath to the Constitution. So yeah, you can see why they’re so upset. More: HuffPost
Note seven: Trump said he signed the Epstein bill last night, and he was BIG mad about it, which is weird since he clearly has nothing to hide. Right? More: HuffPost
Note eight: Larry Summers is out of his teaching gig while Harvard investigates him. Dude. If you knew you were getting suspended, why would you humiliate yourself by reading that statement to your class? More: The Crimson
Note nine: Trump went after Kimmel last night. Does he not remember he already did this shit? More: HuffPost
Note 10: Let’s check in on how Great Again things are in the Heartland. Oh damn…
Note 11: How is it a ceasefire if Israel is still launching missiles? Do we just not know what that means? More: NBC News
Note 12: DOJ had a disaster of a day in court yesterday because their lawyer is a fucking idiot. We assume Jim Comey’s case will be dropped soon. Good. Then we can go back to hating his ass. More: NBC News
Note 13: This is some of the craziest shit we’ve ever seen. An aide to a Republican congressman said she was attacked and the attackers carved “Trump whore” into her body. The whole thing was a lie. What the fuck is wrong with people?! More: NBC News
Note 14: We thought we were the only ones who were pissed about Chuck Schumer and John Thune letting insurrectionist senators sue the American people for millions of dollars. Turns out every single member of the House felt the same way. More: ABC News
Note 15: We apologize. We feel really guilty for showing you this, but since we saw it, you have to too.
Note 16: Joe Rogan continues to be shocked that Trump went after migrants. So yeah, Joe Rogan is a fucking moron. More: HuffPost
Note 17: The House of Representatives is a wild place to be these days. They hate each other almost as much as we hate them. More: Associated Press
Note 18: We have to say, we are really going to miss Nancy Pelosi. More: Mediaite
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have to remind you again that we abhor violence. It has no place in this country or in our politics. But check out this video of a Jan. 6 asshole getting decked…
Note 20: And on that wrong but extremely satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if not, just remember that your name isn’t JD Vance. Love y’all!
Where’d the jobs go?
After telling us yesterday that there will be no October jobs report, the Trump administration dropped a September jobs report this morning. We are enormously skeptical about the validity of this thing, mostly because it shows the economy adding 119,000 jobs in September. Keep in mind that we don’t even have a head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics right now because Trump fired the last one after a bad report. The only reason we believe this shit even a little is because it shows the unemployment rate ticking up to 4.4 percent and manufacturing lost another 6,000 jobs. Real or not, the Trump economy sucks. More: NPR
Don’t get sick
The brain worm butthole’s dreams are coming true as the CDC website now tries to poke holes in the true statement that “vaccines don’t cause autism.” But they kept that sentence and told readers that they’re only keeping the sentence because of a deal RFK made with Sen. Cassidy. We have to imagine Cassidy is feeling very proud today. More: Reuters
Bad polls for the a-hole
We know a lot of folks have given up on polls, and boy do we get that. But we thought y’all might like this one from yesterday because it’s one of the worst polls Trump has ever seen. Fox News has his approval at 41/58 (he was up to 46/54 in September) and 45 percent “disapprove strongly.” A whopping 61 percent disapprove of him when it comes to the economy. Even Republicans are bailing on him, with 55 percent saying the economy is either “fair” or “poor.” And Fox wasn’t alone. The Marquette poll shows his approval on the economy at 36/64. Oh and he’s getting wrecked on Epstein, with even 57 percent of Republicans disagreeing with how he’s handled it. We’re always skeptical when we hear about cracks in Trump’s base, but this motherfucker is bleeding support. More: Fox News, Marquette
Today’s clips
Horrific scenes like this are unfolding in jails across the country, according to a yearlong investigation from Bloomberg Law and NBC News that reveals systemic failures. Pregnant women are locked up, often for petty crimes, and say their cries for help go ignored. They are miscarrying or giving birth in excruciating pain into cell toilets or on filthy jail floors. Newborns are suffering infections and long-lasting health issues, their mothers say. Some babies die. More: NBC News
A week before he voted to significantly cut Medicaid, Rep. Rob Bresnahan dumped six figures’ worth of stock in a quartet of companies that manage nearly half of all Medicaid enrollees in the country, according to public disclosure documents reviewed by NBC News. More: NBC News
Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick, D-Fla., was indicted Wednesday on charges she stole and laundered $5 million in federal relief funds and used the money for her congressional campaign, the Justice Department said. More: NBC News
The U.S. Border Patrol is monitoring millions of American drivers nationwide in a secretive program to identify and detain people whose travel patterns it deems suspicious, The Associated Press has found. More: Associated Press
Trump-picked interim U.S. Attorney Lindsey Halligan lashed out at the judge in the case against former FBI Director James Comey over a courtroom jab insinuating she is President Donald Trump’s “puppet.” More: Mediaite
President Donald Trump called Jeffrey Epstein to celebrate his 2016 presidential election victory, the disgraced financier’s brother told CNN Wednesday, despite the president’s 2019 denials that the pair hadn’t spoken in “15 years.” More: Mediaite
Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo drew swift backlash on social media after his meet-and-greet with President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost
Chaofeng Ge, a 32-year-old Chinese immigrant, died in ICE custody in Pennsylvania on August 5th.
The official story: suicide by hanging.
The autopsy: found hog-tied with bedsheets binding his hands and feet behind his back, cloth around his neck.
ICE must be stopped!
Yeah, that jobs report is bullshit. ADP showed the economy losing 33,000 jobs in September, and the last time that happened (I think it was May or June) the jobs report was later revised down to a loss of job for the month.