Dover Don

It’s Wednesday. There are 104 days until the midterm elections. A nuclear Saudi Arabia, NYC is rolling and Trump welcomes the soldiers he got killed.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it isn’t lying to you about Iran like some asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You’re looking extra sexy and patriotic today. We’d sure love to know what your secret is. Whatever it is, it’s working. You know what else is totally sexy? Winning back the goddamn Senate. And according to the polling unit at Fox News, that’s a real possibility…

YOWZER! It was just a year ago that retaking the Senate didn’t even seem possible. Then Trump spent a year shitting himself, starting wars, shitting himself, raising prices, shitting himself, invading American cities, shitting himself, lying to Americans, shitting himself, killing Americans and shitting himself. Now, America has been fully reminded of what a soggy sad-ass sack of crap our president really is, and we’re ready to change the diapers. (That didn’t sound as cool as we thought it would.) So today we are asking for your help.

Early voting starts soon, and we need everyone pitching in. We’re not gonna ask you to send money because we know there are a billion obnoxious text messages and emails already doing that. But we are gonna ask you to get involved. Pick a race. Pick a candidate. Go to their website and find ways to volunteer. They don’t have to live in your state. Hell, you don’t even have to like them. But Sam Alito and Clarence Thomas are getting old, and it would sure be nice to have control of the Senate when one or both of them dies from autoerotic asphyxiation.

We have a lot of forces aligned against us, SPs. From the media to the billionaires to Trump’s foreign dictator buddies, evil has lots of friends. But that’s also how hero stories start, and we know you’re the heroes who can win this shit. So let’s fucking do this thing. Thank you for your Sexy Patriotism. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We did a therapy session yesterday, and you can get caught up here if you missed it. By the way, when we email those out, it’s a recorded version. If you’d like to join the comments, you can join us live. Just check out this space for programming times.

Note three: We get pretty pissed at our Senate Dems sometimes, so we want to highlight some of the good shit they do. This week, we were really moved by Sen. Andy Kim’s plan to get health insurance for kids. We like this way better than sending them off to die in the Middle East. More: The Hill

Note four: And while we’re handing out flowers, we thought most of our people did a good job questioning Pete Hegseth yesterday. Especially this dude…

Note five: Man, Canada really hates us now. Do you have any idea how fucking awful you have to be to get Canadians to hate you? More: HuffPost

Note six: This is really funny. Don Jr. addressed questions about his obvious and alleged cocaine use and about why he “looks like shit.” He blamed foot surgery. Sure, bro. And Chevy Chase was just taking medicine for back pain. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Hey so we have our candidates in Arizona, and we’re gonna need a clean sweep. Gov. Katie Hobbs is leading the way, so let’s get her back. More: The Hill, NBC News

Note eight: Don’t worry, everybody. The guy who cuts off dead raccoon dicks says the shitting disease is under control. We know we sure feel better. More: NBC News

Note nine: Mamdani got real as fuck last night in a video in which he called out Bibi as a war criminal. He went on to say that he doesn’t have the authority to arrest Netanyahu at the UN, but he encouraged federal officials to. We know that ain’t gonna happen, but it sure is nice to see a Democrat who can eloquently and plainly call for the arrest of a corrupt right-wing scumbag. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Speaking of arresting heinous buttheads, Tom Cotton went and got us all excited this morning…

Note 11: Trump is back to threatening war crimes against Iran as the cost of a barrel of oil goes back up. So it’s Groundhog Day, but instead of Bill Murray it’s just a goddamn moron who keeps trying to fuck the groundhog. More: NBC News, AP

Note 12: Well this is fucking hilarious. Trump is suing the BBC, so the BBC is demanding his financial records. And a judge just agreed with the BBC. How long until dipshit drops his suit? More: Politico

Note 13: We heard the Texas Senate race is about masculinity. So why is Ken Paxton such a gutless chickenshit wuss?

Note 14: Susan Collins is a FOE (Friend of Epstein). Tell everyone. And maybe tell the MSM because they don’t seem to give a damn. More: MeidasNews

Note 15: Today we will get the results of the independent autopsy for Nolan Wells. We still don’t have a single fucking answer about what happened to him, and that is simply unacceptable. More: Fox32Chicago

Note 16: Trump endorsed former crack enthusiast Mike Lindell for Minnesota governor. But Mike ain’t even registered to vote in Minnesota. More: The Independent

Note 17: The president of the United States thinks Americans support his stupid war. Or he’s just straight up fucking lying about it. Yeah, it’s probably the second thing.

Note 18: Trump and his goons are still torturing Americans in California and Minnesota. It’s pretty fucking sickening how many Americans are ok with this. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are taking you to the future. And man it is bleak. And really fucking funny…

Note 20: And on that broken note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And we really hope that you’re ready to kick some fascist ass this November. But we know you stay ready just like you stay sexy. Love y’all!

What Could Go Wrong?

Donald Trump, in his finite wisdom, has decided that the same country that gave us the 9/11 hijackers and bonesawed a Washington Post journalist to pieces should become a nuclear power. We really wish we were kidding about this, but Trump is actually about to make a deal that would allow Saudi Arabia to go nuclear. Of all the dumb and destructive shit Trump has done, this is the latest. You really have to hand it to the Middle Eastern countries who are really getting their money’s worth for all of those bribes.

More: AP

Empire State of Mind

For all the whining and bellyaching from rich assholes, New York City is actually on a roll. Wall Street is even fueling a jobs boom in Gotham under Mayor Zohran Mamdani. Apparently the city added 40,000 jobs in the last six months. Not too shabby. We guess all those people who threatened to move if Zo won were just full of shit. Who could’ve guessed?

More: The City Paper

Dover Don

Today Trump is traveling to Dover Air Force Base to attend the dignified transfer of the soldiers he got killed in his war against Iran. We normally appreciate a president making this trip, but in this instance it’s just fucking gross. This asshole got these brave young people killed so he could distract from his Epstein scandal. It’s appalling. It’s a low point in American history. And that piece of shit should just stay in bed eating candy and eating shit.

More: ABC News

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth faced fiery questions and protests Tuesday over the U.S. war with Iran, which he estimated has cost $37.5 billion so far, as Republicans prepare a $95 billion package to fund the military, along with other White House priorities. More: AP

Democratic U.S. Rep. Cleo Fields said Tuesday he would not seek reelection to his redrawn Louisiana congressional district that was at the center of a major U.S. Supreme Court ruling on race and redistricting. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is set to rally in Michigan next week as early in-person voting begins in the battleground state’s primary, where voters will choose nominees for open Senate and governor’s races. More: AP

A third American service member believed to have been killed by an Iranian attack on an air base in Jordan has been identified by the United States military as Sgt. Angel S. Rampersad of New York. More: NBC News

A federal judge has barred the deportation of a witness in the fatal shooting of a Mexican homebuilder by federal immigration officers during a traffic stop in Houston. More: NBC News

NEW YORK — Nicolás Maduro returns to court with his lawyers Wednesday and is expected to continue objecting to the U.S. military action that snatched the Venezuelan president from power and deposited him in New York to face drug trafficking charges. More: NBC News

Canada has canceled a planned joint celebration with the U.S. to mark the opening of the Gordie Howe International Bridge ​between Windsor, Ontario, and Detroit, citing trade threats from President ‌Donald Trump. More: NBC News

Soccer star Ferran Torres — who scored the extra-time goal that secured Spain’s thrilling World Cup final victory over Argentina on Sunday — wore a red hat emblazoned with the slogan “Make Spain Great Again” during the team’s celebratory bus parade and party in Madrid on Monday. More: HuffPost