Dolly and Some Dipsh*ts

It’s Wednesday. There are 69 (nice) days until the midterms. Hegseth broke the military, Republicans run from Trump and a few words about an American angel.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it will always love you.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today was supposed to be about being immature and laughing at the number of days until the election. We even had a funny joke about Trump 69ing with Satan and Satan getting grossed out and becoming a hardcore Christian only to 69 with Trump again. Unfortunately, we have more important matters to discuss. Y’all, we are nearing the homestretch of the most important election we’re ever gonna see and our party is coming apart. The intramural attacks are about as bad as we’ve seen, and that’s really saying something. We’ve been called names in the last few days that we had never been called before. The anger out there is real. And to top it off, Dolly Parton is dead. FUCK!

The bad news is we don’t have any idea how to fix any of it. Well, Adam has a couple ideas, but Sam grabbed a joint and a boom box and wandered off into a field and we ain’t seen him for a while. We may never see him again. Some of the divisions we’re seeing go back a long time, and it’s fair to wonder right now if we really are capable of being a big tent or if that was just a beautiful lie we’ve told ourselves for years. The divide in our party we’re seeing in Michigan is truly heartbreaking, and we don’t have any words of wisdom or obscenities that will make it better. We’re gonna hope like hell that we win that and every other fucking election and that’s about all we know to say.

Y’all know we try to keep shit light and find the funny in everything, and we will aim to do that the rest of this newsletter. But before we do, we wanted to share this video of Alex Pretti’s parents in a new interview. We know tempers are flaring, fears are high and trust is low. But we really need to come to-fucking-gether and stop this fascist shit. So can we please beat the assholes responsible for this nightmare before we destroy each other?

Sorry for the sermon. Let’s kick some ass. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Now for some good news! Donald Trump thinks the American people just don’t know how great he is, so he is going to do a bunch of ads for the midterms and try to shove himself down our throats. We think this is an excellent strategy, and we encourage him to talk a lot about his fucking ballroom. More: The Atlantic

Note three: The director of the CIA flew to Moscow yesterday. Trump is refusing to say why, but it’s being reported that they were basically begging Putin to stop helping Iran. Talk about loser shit. More: Kyiv Post

Note four: Congratulations to the state AGs who forced Mark Suckerberg into a $17 billion settlement over charges he makes addictive shit for teens. Let’s hope this is just the beginning of that asshole’s end. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re gonna talk Dolly in the news section, but we do want to share some tributes before then…

Note six: We have mostly stayed away from the Dan Sullivan and Dan Sullivan story because it confuses the shit out of us. More: NBC News

Note seven: A lot of our fellow Democrats were furious yesterday to see that Hakeem Jeffries made Jared Moskowitz the ranking member on the House Foreign Affairs Committee. Our hunch is this is Hakeem trying to give Moskowitz a way to keep his seat in a redrawn Trump +10 district. But man leadership is playing with fire by ignoring the people who are pissed at the Israeli government. How many people do we want staying home this November? More: Axios

Note eight: It’s so great to see Americans coming together to hate on data centers. We sure hope Trump keeps telling everyone how awesome they are. More: HuffPost

Note nine: The Chicago Sky have banned Asshole Enes Kanter. Unfortunately, there are reports that the WNBA won’t follow suit. Guess they’re not worried about protecting their fans from right-wing nutjobs who hate them. More: ESPN

Note 10: Trump’s stupid trade war with Canada is sure fun for Republican candidates on the border lolol…

Note 11: We were already boycotting Target, but now we plan to give their stores the finger when we drive by. We’d ask what were they thinking, but at this point it seems obvious. More: AP

Note 12: Are we like a thousand percent sure that Darlene Graham isn’t actually Lindsey? This might be the greatest comedic bit since Andy Kaufman. More: AP

Note 13: We know we say this a lot, but try to imagine how it would have been covered if Obama had done something like this…

Note 14: Trump is literally threatening to demolish the Kennedy Center if he doesn’t get to put his name on it. Go ahead, chump. We fucking dare you. More: AP

Note 15: Hey Ohio! Vivek Ramaswamy says he’s supporting alleged wife beater Max Miller. We didn’t think Vivek could get any scummier. We were wrong to doubt him. More: HuffPost

Note 16: LSU has really done something remarkable. All three of their major sports coaches are the biggest turds on the planet. We hope Kim Mulkey fucks all the way off after treating her Ukrainian superstar like shit. And Will Wade and Lane Kiffin can kiss our asses too. More: ESPN

Note 17: Try to imagine Eric Adams doing this. It’s so cool the way Zo actually loves the people he serves.

Note 18: We’d like to send a giant FUCK YOU to the cowardly Wisconsin prosecutor who is giving Elon Leon Musk a free pass for voter fraud. Maybe this chickenshit should get out of the way and let a real prosecutor have that job. More: Green Bay Press Gazette

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, it’s Dolly. Dolly and Kermit and the kind of goodness that makes you feel warm all over…

Note 20: And on that note that totally didn’t make us cry, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Don’t forget to chuckle about there being 69 days until the elections. Love y’all!

For Pete’s Sake

Welp, Pete Hegseth broke the military. You already knew he broke the Navy, but he has also fired so many generals that now we’re running low. And that’s where you wanna be during a stupid war that we’re losing. The New York Times reports that Hegseth fired one general for refusing to drop the investigation over the Kid Rock fly-by. And when Joni Ernst called Trump to complain about it, the cankles-in-chief said sorry but it was Pete’s decision. So the gameshow host president has turned over the world’s biggest and most advanced military to a Fox News weekend host who has no fucking idea what he’s doing. Thank goodness these assholes support the troops. Can you imagine what a nightmare it would be if they didn’t?

More: New York Times, New Republic

Run, Republicans, Run!

Ralph Alvarado is a hardcore right-winger. He was even buddies with disgraced Kentucky ex-governor Matt Bevin. And now Ralph is running scared. In the Kentucky 6th District, which includes the blue dot of Lexington, Alvarado has taken down photos of himself with Trump and removed some “pro-Trump messages” from his website, according to NBCNews. Democrat Zach Dembo clearly has Republicans scared, and the reason is Trump. Democrats haven’t won this seat since 2008. If Alvarado is this freaked out, then the whole party must be shitting itself.

More: NBC News, Yahoo News

Oh Dolly

Well we’re a goddamn mess. And we know it’s not just us. We loved Dolly Parton. And we mean that literally. Sam went to see Steel Magnolias in the theater with his mom. We remember watching 9 to 5 as kids and being blown away. We have Jolene on all of our playlists. Dolly was a ride-or-die ally for the LGBTQ+ community, a champion of literacy and a big reason why we got the Moderna covid vaccine. She was an actual angel on Earth, and we are going to miss her. Thank you, Dolly, for bringing us together again. This time it’s to mourn and celebrate you. There will never be another like you. Rest easy, ma’am.

More: YouTube

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — An inflation measure closely watched by the Federal Reserve stayed elevated last month in the latest sign that many Americans are still struggling with higher costs. More: AP

Three U.S. Secret Service officials were placed on administrative leave Tuesday, pending the outcome of an investigation by the agency’s professional standards office. More: AP

TORONTO (AP) — Canada struck back at the United States on Tuesday with retaliatory tariffs on about $20 billion worth of American goods, including steel, dairy products, appliances and farm equipment, as the trade war between the once-friendly neighborsescalated sharply. More: AP

James Talarico, the Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate in Texas, wants to reveal depositions involving Ken Paxton, his Republican opponent, as part of an ongoing effort to keep the focus on Paxton’s history of scandals. More: AP

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump’s rapidly escalating trade war with Canada could be a political disaster for Republican Senate candidates in a quartet of states bordering the country, a region particularly vulnerable to trade disruptions with the neighboring nation and one where undecided voters are more likely to blame the GOP for the economic pain. More: HuffPost

The president of the United States Cattlemen’s Association, Justin Tupper, slammed President Donald Trump’s recent decision to reduce tariffs on certain beef imports. More: HuffPost

National Nutrition Adviser Ben Carson went viral on Monday after making a suggestion about hot dogs that likely won’t cut the mustard with many nutritionists.

During an event that was meant to promote using food from local farmers for school lunches, Carson said it was important for kids to know where their food comes from and to taste vegetables right from the source. More: HuffPost

It’s safe to say that if the plot of “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” was going down today in real life, Megyn Kelly would tear Dolly Parton’s character to shreds on her podcast. More: HuffPost