DOJoke

Happy Friday. There are 543 days until the midterm elections. Forget about FEMA, Trump’s DOJoke and crapping on (the) Constitution.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. What the hell is it supposed to do when Fox fucking News is running the country?

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And congratulations on making it through another week in stupid dumb-dumb country. We feel that is an achievement given the state of things and worth celebrating. And honestly, every goddamn minute we survive RFK Jr. is worth cheering over. Because this dumb motherfucker is going to kill a lot of people…

Chilling, ain’t it? We’ve mentioned this before, but it needs way more attention. The last thing this world needs is that dumb sonofabitch compiling a list of autistic people because holy shit is that a bad idea. That said, we are patriots and we wanted to be helpful. So here’s all of our information for RFK Jr….

Name: Fuck you

DOB: Fuck your brain worm.

Hometown: Kiss the ass of that dead bear you stashed in Central Park.

Medical history: Eat the shit of the deal whale you decapitated.

Social Security: Fuck your trashy New York Magazine sext buddy

Medicaid status: Fuck what you’ve done to the Kennedy name.

Did we forget anything? Oh yeah. Our smartwatch said he can go straight to hell. This is a dumb and dangerous man, and we must mock him to hell and back. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: RIP to former Supreme Court Justice David Souter. We’re sure Trump is working on a horribly offensive statement. More: CNBC

Note three: How much fun was it yesterday to watch the right lose their shit upon learning that the new pope actually cares about human beings? They really seem like a cool and healthy bunch, don’t they? More: Rolling Stone

Note four: Our idiot president said this morning that he’s ok with raising taxes on the rich, but Democrats would accuse him of hypocrisy if he did it. Yeah, we’re sure that’s the reason he’s not pushing it. More: The Hill

Note five: Americans hate what Trump is doing to higher education. We bet Putin freaking loves it though.

Note six: Columbia suspended student journalists for covering the protests at the school. So the free press is dead at the place where they hand out the Pulitzers. What a goddamn disgrace. More: Columbia Spectator

Note seven: The New York Times is reporting today that Trump is wrecking NYC tourism. We have an idea to fix it. Create a way people can piss on Trump Tower. The fucking line will go all the way to Jersey. More: New York Times

Note eight: Trump is already going limp in his negotiations with the Chinese. He announced on his social media site that the tariffs should be dropped to 80 percent but “it’s up to Scott B.” This dumb sonofabitch really has no idea what’s going on. More: NBC News

Note nine: Sorry to Cubs fans, but the new pope likes the Sox. And the new president just sucks. More: Huff Post

Note 10: Here’s some news that will make you want to punch a wall. Please don’t hurt your hand. Racist Trump the Racist has fired the first Black woman librarian at the Library of Congress. Why? Well that must not be a “Black job.”

Note 11: Justice Sotomayor says that lawyers have to be tougher and they need to “stand up” and “fight this fight.” Hell freaking yeah! More: NBC News

Note 12: Trump is destroying the National Science Foundation. He really does want Americans dumb, dying and in the dark. More: Science.org

Note 13: So brace yourselves before you click on this link. It’s a story about ICE roughing up a 16-year-old girl. What a fucking disgrace we have become. More: NBC Boston

Note 14: This is awesome. You know those law firms that rolled over and surrendered to Trump? Well they’re losing lawyers and clients. It turns out that people don’t want gutless chickenshits to represent them. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 15: We put this in the clips yesterday, but this shit really needs to be bigger news, right? World’s richest man goes on a killing spree seems like a big deal to us.

Note 16: The brain worm butthole got asked about the total lack of qualifications about the new Surgeon General pick. So he lied. More: The Hill

Note 17: We do not condone spitting on neo-nazi Jan. 6 allies. Even if we think it’s hilarious and probably deserved. More: Mediaite

Note 18: This is a funny one. George Santos is begging for a pardon. Keep begging, George. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, you just have to see this interview with one of the new pope’s brothers. They play Wordle together!

Note 20: And on that papal note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome weekend. Please don’t get sick. Idiots are in charge of our health now. Love y’all!

FEMA is fucked
Hurricane season is just around the corner, but the United States ain’t doing FEMA this year. Yeah, with parts of the country still trying to recover from the last hurricanes and floods and fires, Trump has decided that FEMA just won’t FEMA anymore. And when the head of FEMA said it was a mistake to kill the agency, Trump fired him. The guy replacing him has no experience managing disaster relief. Good luck, America! More: Associated Press

DOJoke
We knew better than to sigh with relief after Trump removed all-around asshead Ed Martin as his nominee to be D.C. U.S. Attorney. First because the replacement is almost as bad and second because he found another way for Martin to be a nazi monster. But we all need to take a moment to mock Jeanine Pirro as the pick. The alleged day-drinker and kisser of orange ass is a certified lunatic, and this is going to be a total fucking disaster. Oh and we still have to worry about Ed using the power of the law to attack Trump’s enemies. More: Associated Press, NBC News

Crapping on (the) Constitution
This dumb parade shit is actually happening. Axios got the parade route. And it’s honestly perfect because it’s going to go down Constitution Avenue. There will be country music. There’s also like no time for them to plan it, so it will almost definitely be a total clusterfuck. As disgusting as this is, we want the country to see it. We want Americans to see this spoiled dumbfuck draft dodger spending their money while telling them they can’t have Medicaid and Head Start. So go ahead, Trump. Have your parade. We can’t wait. More: Axios

Today’s clips
But that schedule has changed under FBI Director Kash Patel. Unlike his recent predecessors, Patel is receiving the “director’s brief” two days a week, according to two current officials with direct knowledge and two former FBI and Justice Department officials familiar with the matter. Patel has also stopped holding the weekly Wednesday-afternoon video teleconference with FBI leaders, one current and one former FBI official said. More: NBC News

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem on Thursday openly flouted a Supreme Court order to facilitate the return of Kilmar Abrego Garcia to the U.S., insisting during a Senate committee hearing that there is “no scenario” in which the Maryland man will be in the country again. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump claimed MSNBC’s coverage of his administration “should be considered a Major Campaign Violation,” just minutes after a Morning Joe segment ridiculed his controversial tariff policy. More: Mediaite

President Trump ripped former President Biden’s high-speed internet program on Thursday, vowing to end what he called a “racist” and “illegal” initiative. More: The Hill

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