Dodgers win (at life)

Happy Friday. There are 501 days until the midterm elections. The occupation of L.A. continues, the president is a racist a-hole and the Dodgers win (but not at baseball).

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t kill the Washington Post like a total dickhead.

Note: We have a question for you, Sexy Patriots — is it a good thing when the president of the United States is thinking about going to war and the whole world is laughing at him? Probably not, right? But that’s exactly where we are. Yeah, just days after Bone Spurs Bitchweasel ran away from the G7 because he was scared to see Zelensky (and after his lunatic Truth Social post telling the 10 million people of Tehran to evacuate the city at 2:30 a.m.), Trump has declared he will decide on war in… two weeks. And the entire globe is now drowning because so many people pissed themselves laughing at this dumb shit…

Well goddamn that sure is embarrassing. Why doesn’t his orange ass just claim the dog ate his war plans? Oh right. Because he’s a psycho who hates dogs and Hegseth leaks war plans. We just never imagined we would see a dumber version of the lead-up to the Iraq War when the same idiots were telling us about WMD and eating freedom fries. But we have made a decision and it’s going to shock you — we are fine with a new and unnecessary war. WHAT?! ADAM AND SAM, HOW COULD YOU? YOU’VE LOST YOUR GORGEOUS MINDS! We’re sorry, but it’s true. We have decided to support this war and wars with Canada, Greenland and possibly California, but only on one condition — Trump has to go fight himself.

It’s been a long time since he had bone spurs, so we’re sure he’s good to go. This feels like a good time to give the troops a vacation and let Agent Orange and his big mouth handle things. He’s allowed to take Don Jr. with him. Good luck, dumbass! Let us know how it goes. We’re kidding of course. We are opposed to another stupid fucking war and that’s not gonna change. Even in two weeks. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We weren’t kidding about Butthead Bezos killing the Washington Post. The paper that brought down Nixon has seen its circulation drop below 100,000 for the first time in 55 years, according to the Washington City Paper. They’re even having to get rid of the Metro section. Great work, Amazon guy. More: Washington City Paper

Note three: Thanks to everyone who blocked Jaundiced Dungmouth (JD) Vance on Bluesky. He quickly broke the record for most blocks of anyone on the platform. He should very much take that personally. More: Rolling Stone

Note four: Jim Clyburn has endorsed Andrew Cuomo, and we’re not sure we’ve ever felt more let down. Our hearts go out to the women Cuomo harassed. It must be a total nightmare watching Democratic leaders endorse his gross, corrupt ass. More: New York Times

Note five: Someone should tell this trash what a fact is. Also, this is seriously Iraq all over again.

Note six: It has been less than a week since a Democratic state rep, her husband and her dog were brutally killed by a Trump supporter. Trump has refused to visit the state, attend the funerals or even call the governor. Imagine what a scandal this would be if the victims were Republicans and Obama or Biden were acting like Trump.

Note seven: Well this is extremely fucked up and terrifying. The U.S. Army made four Big Tech execs Lt. Colonels. What the hell is happening?! More: Snopes

Note eight: Laura Loomer and Tucker Carlson are at war over war, and it is really ugly. Of course they are too so it makes sense. Again, Loomer can have her war, but she has to go fight it. Deal? More: Yahoo

Note nine: Want to know how the idiots keep winning? Well they cheat a lot. CNN is reporting that Republicans are trying to get rid of some Democratic seats in Ohio and Texas next year to avoid losing the House. What a cool country this is. More: CNN

Note 10: The Onion is a satirical news source. But you could be forgiven for thinking this is real.

Note 11: The two sweetest words in sports are Game Seven, and that’s what we’re getting after OKC shit the bed last night. More: NBA

Note 12: Remember how the New York Times made a big deal of saying they were done endorsing candidates and then this week they reversed that and endorsed Cuomo but in a chickenshit way? Well the NYT’s opinion editor says they were “imprecise” when they announced the no endorsements policy. If you need that translated, “imprecise” means full of shit. More: Columbia Journalism Review

Note 13: Carl Quintanilla points out on Bluesky that today is the 45th anniversary of the day The Blues Brothers came out. It is one of Sam’s all-time favorite movies, and we highly recommend it to help you through a Trump funk. The line “I hate Illinois Nazis” feels more relevant than ever.

Note 14: You probably haven’t noticed because Senate Democrats aren’t making a big stink about it, but Trump is starting to push through even crazier judges than last time. Aileen Cannon is about to have a lot of company. Dick Durbin can’t retire soon enough. More: Balls and Strikes

Note 15: As people who always got a kick out of Hunter Thompson saying “Fuck the Pope,” we never thought we’d be enjoying His Holiness as much as we are now.

Note 16: In yet another illegal move, dog-killer Kristi Noem is barring Congress from visiting ICE facilities without 72 hours notice. That’s against the law as a motherfucker and we sure hope some brave members are ready to challenge it. More: The Guardian

Note 17: It turns out that we’re not the only ones who hate Mike Lee. Even his fellow members think he sucks. Or at least they feel that way about his plan to sell public lands. And we didn’t even mention that whole rat-scrotum-on-his-forehead thing. More: HuffPost

Note 18: This isn’t the Happy Ending, but it’s still pretty happy. Our friends at MeidasTouch just hit 5 million subscribers. With the mainstream media cowering and kissing fascist ass, we have never needed independent media more. Thanks to the Meiselas brothers and the Meidas Mighty for leading the way.

Note 19: For the actual Happy Ending, we’re going back to our hero E. Jean Carroll who is spilling all the tea as she does a victory lap. We remain in awe of this brave and hilarious woman.

Note 20: And on that amazing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. We also hope we don’t go to war. But we’re simple like that. Love y’all!

Note 21: BONUS HAPPY ENDING!!! Y’all, we can’t believe this, but living goddess Dolly Parton teamed up with Motley Crue to perform “Home Sweet Home” and Sam has the vapors. More: YouTube

Occupied L.A.
Last night a three-judge panel on the 9th Circuit (two Trump judges; one Biden) ruled that Trump can continue to deploy the National Guard in Los Angeles without the governor’s approval. This really sucks. Newsom has made clear he plans to appeal, but it made our blood boil watching Trump gloat over his victory last night. It also makes our blood boil to see U.S. troops patrolling an American city. Free L.A.! More: CalMatters

A Juneteenth Jackass
Donald Trump is a racist. We know the media are supposed to be too afraid to state that painfully obvious truth, but we’re not really media so fuck it. Adding to his long lifetime list of racist shit, Trump refused to honor Juneteenth yesterday, and then put out a passive-aggressive whine about how there are too many federal holidays and the workers don’t want them and we have to get rid of some of them if we want to make America great again. Gosh. We just can’t figure out what it is about this holiday that he doesn’t like. Anyway, we’ll never forget nor forgive all the white reporters who pretended like they just couldn’t tell if the birther asshole is a fucking racist. More: Associated Press

Dodgers win (kinda)
ICE fucked with the wrong people yesterday. After weeks of shameful silence (and a fucking trip to the White House), the Los Angeles Dodgers finally did the right thing yesterday. When ICE showed up and tried to get to Dodger Stadium in Chavez Ravine, the team said no. Our favorite part were the everyday heroes who heard what ICE was up to and showed up to tell them to get lost. DHS knows they fucked up because they lied about even being there. The Dodgers ended up losing to the Padres last night and the dirty sonsofbitches intentionally hit Shohei, but yesterday was bigger than baseball and we’re damn grateful to see some big name folks starting to push back against fascism. More: KTLA

Today’s clips
The Minnesota lawmaker who survived an attack by a gunman on his doorstep is still in a critical condition and has revealed details of the terrifying moment he and his wife were shot multiple times. More: NBC News

Conservative radio host Ben Ferguson revealed on CNN Thursday that he scolded his best friend’s wife at the dinner table for being an illegal immigrant. More: Mediaite

The Supreme Court made it easier for Big Tobacco companies to pick which judges hear their challenges to federal tobacco regulations on Friday in a 7-2 decision that will allow other companies affected by regulations to bring suit. More: HuffPost

U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team star Timothy Weah has opened up about what he described as the “weird” experience of standing behind Donald Trump in the Oval Office while the president fielded questions on the Iran-Israel war and attacked the idea of transgender women competing in women’s sports. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam