Dirty Money

Happy Friday. There are 221 days until the midterm elections. Trump wants his name on our money, Epstein survivors sue DOJ and the racists are every bit as racist as you thought.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Especially when it’s protesting.

Note: Do you believe in miracles, Sexy Patriots? Because holy freaking shit did one happen while you were asleep. Yeah, in fact, we thought we were hallucinating. Sam called Adam first thing this morning to verify the news and make sure this wasn’t another LSD flashback. But sure enough, Chuck Schumer actually did the fucking thing…

WELL HELL YEAH!!! Like we always say, Schumer is a badass motherfucker and the perfect guy to lead us at this moment. Ok so we’ve never actually said or thought that once in our lives, and we really think Chris Murphy would be better at this, but credit where credit is due. And we’re giving the credit to you.

Yeah, we’re impressed and appreciative that Schumer held his non-Fetterman caucus together and stared down Trump. But ain’t that what they’re supposed to be doing like every goddamn day? The reason they held on is because we all demanded it. So yeah, we did this. We saw Trump’s goons murder Americans and we said no fucking more. And we called and we cussed and we demanded that our senators start acting like our fucking senators. And they did. So congrats to you, Sexy Patriots. Thank you for holding their feet to the fire. Keep going! And as always, John Fetterman can go fuck himself and then eat all the shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Sam has a colonoscopy this morning so please send good thoughts and also maybe a pizza for later. Also, please make sure you stay on top of this shit. We’ve got a felcher with a brain worm running the nation’s healthcare so this is a good time to be preventative.

Note three: Oh wow. Missouri U.S. Rep. Sam Graves announced this morning he’s changed his mind and he’s not running for reelection. The polling must be a fucking nightmare for them. More: Wall Street Journal

Note four: While we’re linking to the Wall Street Journal, they’re reporting that Trump is looking to send another 10,000 troops to the Middle East. So yeah, this war is either ramping up or already over and we’re pretty sure that even Trump doesn’t know which it is. More: Wall Street Journal, Axios

Note five: It’s clips like this that really demonstrate what a spoiled rotten asshole this guy his. It’s ok for him to do it because he’s him. Fucking prick.

Note six: If you’re not sure where or how to protest this weekend, this link has got you. And if you live somewhere you don’t feel safe protesting, then join online. We know you’ll be with us in spirit. As for the rest of you, get LOUD!!! NoKings.org

Note seven: CPAC is also happening at the moment. It’s like our protests except they’re all nazi virgins and they can’t stop kissing king ass. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Man, we used to think Wikipedia was unreliable. Now we think it might be the most reliable site on the internet. And it just banned AI so we’re officially in love. More: 404 Media

Note nine: Even MAGA moms think Barron should enlist. Why does Tiffany get a pass? More: HuffPost

Note 10: We keep waiting for just one White House reporter to ask this demented sonofabitch why he has to take so many cognitive tests. Or better yet, ask him if he’ll take an IQ test with Jasmine Crockett and let America see the results. We all know who’s winning that one.

Note 11: There was almost another plane crash recently. Maybe the Road Rules Real World guy should spend less time on Fox News kissing orange ass and talking about how scared he is of the subway. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Savannah Guthrie is returning to the Today Show on April 6. Bless her heart. We can’t imagine. If only we had a competent FBI these days. More: NBC News

Note 13: Ok this is really funny. If Lindell walked around with a parking cone on his head, it would make him look smarter.

Note 14: Trump was so freaked out by the Fox News poll that he called into the Five. And because he’s an idiot, he let us all know just how much Jessica Tarlov lives in his head. And goddamn do we love her for that. More: TV Insider

Note 15: Trump spent five minutes talking about sharpies yesterday. We were gonna say something about if Biden had done this but instead we just screamed out the window for five full minutes. More: Associated Press

Note 16: When people say we can’t dismantle DHS or ICE, remind them what Trump is currently doing to the Department of Education. More: Associated Press

Note 17: We just freaking adore this guy. But we sure hope he ain’t trying to challenge Natasha Cloud to a game of one-on-one.

Note 18: We’re almost to a new month, which means a whole new set of elections to focus on. As always, the good folks at Bolts Mag have us covered. More: Bolts Mag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to get you in the mood for some protesting. Y’all have heard us talk over and over again about how great and relevant the show Andor is. Well today we thought we’d share one of the more moving speeches from the show. Listen to the words. And then go be ungovernable. Be safe out there, Sexy Patriots. And let ‘em hear you.

Note 20: And on that powerful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are ready to rock this weekend. Let’s make that orange asshole crap himself, shall we? Love y’all!

Not-so-funny money
Well this sure makes us want to spit fucking nails. They’re literally going to put Trump’s goddamn signature on our money. Sure, there are no jobs, healthcare costs are through the roof, the president is cover up a child rape ring and he just stared a stupid war, but hey, why not throw his fucking name on the dollar bill? No president has ever done this before because it’s obscene. Thank goodness we stopped using cash years ago. More: NBC News

Git ‘em
Remember when Pam Bondi and Todd Blanche told us they were breaking the law over releasing the Epstein files because they were protecting the victims? And then remember how they published victims’ names anyway and made it clear that the people they were actually protecting were the child rapists? Well Pepperidge Farm remembers. And so do the survivors. So they’re suing DOJ and Google and we hope they destroy both of them. That these women have had to constantly fight their own government on this shit is just beyond the goddamn pale. More: CNN

Racist scum
We woke up to an infuriating story in the New York Times today about how Pete Hegseth stopped four names from the promotion to one-star general. Two of them are Black and two of them are women. Pete Hegesth’s chief-of-staff even said that Trump “would not want to stand next to a Black female officer at military events.” Trump has been resegregating the federal government since he got back in office. Until today, the mainstream media have largely ignored it. We assume they’ll go back to ignoring it tomorrow. Everything is just so goddamn gross right now. More: NYT, Mediaite

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump got hammered with an embarrassing “community note” after his new rant about acing a cognitive test three times went viral. More: Mediaite

The House is considering whether to approve funds to pay Transportation Security Administration agents and most other agencies after the Senate unanimously passed the measure early Friday morning. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — The House Ethics Committee found Friday that Democratic Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick of Florida had committed numerous violations of House rules and ethics standards, a ruling that could add weight to Republicans’ push to expel her from Congress. More: Associated Press

STOWE, Vt. (AP) — Looking back, gubernatorial candidate Dean Roy says his political ambitions started in the eighth grade. And by that he means, last year.

After working as a legislative page at the Vermont Statehouse, the 14-year-old freshman at Stowe High School now has his sights set on the corner office. In November, he’ll be the first candidate for governor under age 18 to appear on the state’s general election ballot. More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — Singer-songwriter Darrell “Dash” Crofts, who teamed with childhood friend Jim Seals for such 1970s soft-rock hits as “Summer Breeze,” “Diamond Girl” and “Get Closer,” has died. He was 87. More: NBC News

A federal judge in California has blocked the Trump administration from designating Anthropic as a supply chain risk to national security and cutting off the AI company’s work with federal agencies. More: NBC News

Fox News published a new poll that is devastating to President Donald Trump — and is burying it on air. More: Mediaite

GENEVA, March 27 (Reuters) - The U.N. rights chief urged Washington to conclude its investigation into a fatal strike on a primary school in Iran at a U.N. Human Rights Council meeting on Friday, with some states voicing outrage over the incident. More: HuffPost