Diddlin’ Dennis Takes a Dirt Nap

It’s Monday. There are 29 days until the midterm elections. A warning from Brazil, the AI creeps tell us ‘bad things’ are going to happen and about that war we won.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it would never hire Karoline Leavitt’s lyin’ ass.

Note: Now that’s how you start a week, Sexy Patriots! We’re so used to waking up on Monday mornings and getting hit in the face with the latest shit pie Trump has served up that we honestly don’t know how to react to good news on a Monday morning. But when good things happen, it’s important to stop, acknowledge them and even celebrate them a little. So what has us so happy today? This gross motherfucker kicked the bucket…

Guess the reception area in Hell is busy today. Now y’all know we don’t celebrate or encourage violence. We think it’s beneath us. But we will sure as shit celebrate when a Republican pedophile bites the big one from natural causes. We hope he died screaming and afraid while shitting himself to death. Or is that too good for him? Oh well. Throw some dirt on that icky sonofabitch and let’s go get lunch.

It really is no wonder that Trump fit in so well with a Republican Party that had Hastert as a leader. We’re up against some truly evil fuckers, and they deserve every bad thing that’s coming their way. So we hope Hastert enjoys getting sodomized by a red hot pitchfork. We know it sure puts a smile on our faces. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Sam Alito opened that asshole of a mouth of his and spewed some bullshit this weekend. He was trying to act tough, but we saw a frightened and desperate man. You can read more here…

Note three: So Russia let the plague escape from one of their labs. Great. The fucking plague. At least our president has experience handling something like this. Oh shit. More: NBC News

Note four: Hey Florida people, do we really have a chance to win this gubernatorial race? Because Byron Donalds always seemed like a real fucking asshole to us. More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: Speaking of Florida, we love it so much when Angie Nixon makes fun of JD. We bet she makes him cry…

Note six: Karoline Leavitt is going to work for Fox News. Fuck her and fuck them. More: The Hill

Note seven: Jared Kushner hasn’t been negotiating an end to the Russian war on Ukraine. He has been negotiating an oil deal. If Democrats aren’t ready to go hard after this corruption, then they should just give up now. More: The Hill

Note eight: PLEASE CHECK YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION AND ENCOURAGE EVERYONE ELSE YOU KNOW TO DO THE SAME. AND THEN VOTE. VOTE LIKE THE WIND!

Note nine: Rahm Emanuel went on Meet the Press yesterday. He played bullshit games about whether he’s endorsing Abdul in Michigan and he said Democrats shouldn’t focus on impeachment. We want to be very clear how we feel about this guy — FUCK RAHM EMANUEL. More: NBC News

Note 10: So great to see Jack Smith at the Power to the People festival this weekend. Does that shirt say “No Kings?”

Note 11: Pete Hegseth and Trump have royally screwed over the soldiers who were injured in Iran. Impeaching Hegseth should be the easiest call a Democratic Congress makes. More: AP

Note 12: According to an NBC poll, Latino voters are moving away from Trump and the GOP big time. It’s probably because of all the racism and the masked thugs terrorizing grandmothers. More: NBC News

Note 13: Trump was embarrassed by some empty seats in Alabama this weekend. We want to say thank you to everyone who showed up to protest. It’s important to remember that our friends in Red States are doing their best to fight back against the bullshit.

Note 14: The whistleblower who revealed Nutlick’s Epstein ties committed suicide. Or so they’re saying. More: The Daily Beast

Note 15: Trump said this weekend that he’s going to win the midterms and shove it up our asses. He actually said that. We’re sure he meant to sound tough, but we just thought it sounded weird. More: The Hill

Note 16: Virginia Giuffre’s family is getting involved in the midterms. They took part in an ad to blast a GOP congressman for voting to cover up the Epstein files. We don’t have the words to thank them for this necessary tactic. But we sure are grateful. More: NBC News

Note 17: One of the only great things from the Trump era has been watching just how much Robert DeNiro hates that guy. And nobody cusses like DeNiro. Not even us.

Note 18: Trump posted Tom Cotton’s cell phone number this weekend. Remember he did that to Lindsey Graham? Well congrats to Cotton on being the new Lindsey. LOL. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Public Enemy. Chuck D and Flavor Flav have been keeping it real for decades now, and we are always so happy to be on the same side of the fight as they are.

Note 20: And on that badass note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing weekend. Unless you are Dennis Hastert, in which case you had exactly the weekend you deserved. Love y’all!

Brazilian Waxxed

So you know how we’ve spent the last few years being jealous of Brazil because they actually held Bolsonaro accountable for attempting a coup? Well it turns out they are just as dumb as us. In this weekend’s elections, the far right did very well and Bolsonaro’s son is leading Lula as the two head to a run-off later this month. Trump and Elon have done everything they can to interfere in this election, and it really sucks to see that Brazil might do the same stupid shit America did. But it’s also a great reminder to ignore the polls and focus on the work.

More: AP

Eat Shit, Sam

Not our Sam. Sam Altman. The head of OpenAI told Politico that he thinks “the world should accept some bad things” from AI because its benefits will be so great. We say fuck that and fuck him. There is going to be a huge opening for a party to run against these Silicon Valley assholes. We wonder if our party will have the stones to do it.

More: The Guardian

Victory?

Over the weekend, Trump scrambled to move all our bombers from a British base because we got intel they were gonna be attacked. Isn’t that weird? Because we’ve been hearing for months now that Iran has been defeated. And yet gas is still high and just this weekend Trump was telling Europeans they should go open the Strait of Hormuz. But isn’t it already open? Guess not. The scariest part is realizing that Trump is still planning to escalate this debacle after the midterms. We’re really gonna need a Democratic Congress, y’all.

More: AP

Today’s clips

TOKYO (AP) — The arrest of a U.S. Marine on suspicion of robbing and killing a local woman on Okinawa has drawn condemnation from Japan’s leaders and renewed protests against the heavy American military presence on the southern island. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is taking his Republican midterm rescue mission to Nebraska on Monday, campaigning alongside GOP Sen. Pete Ricketts, who is running against an independent candidate backed by national Democrats. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries said Sunday his party is on track to win back control of the House, confident Democrats can overcome a fundraising disadvantage and reach deep into conservative areas to flip congressional districts won by President Donald Trump just two years ago. More: AP

Christa Pike has remained unconscious and on a ventilator at a hospital in the four days since her failed execution in Tennessee, and her prognosis might not be known for days more, one of her lawyers said Sunday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A top cryptocurrency campaign organization is unveiling a bipartisan list of House members that it will support in the November midterms, as one of the biggest-spending interest groups looks to flex its muscles after a mixed legislative year in Congress. More: AP

Zach Bryan broke the Gillette Stadium attendance record while sporting a “Free Palestine” T-shirt for the second night in a row. More: US Magazine

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court kicks off a new term Monday, with the justices hearing an attempt by oil companies to throw out lawsuits brought by cities and counties alleging they should pay damages for the impacts of climate change. More: NBC News

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton’s estranged wife urged voters to stand behind the entire Republican midterm ticket in an ad released Saturday, though she neglected to name Paxton directly. More: NBC News